The following was brought to you by Breeders, home to the best parent rants on television. Breeders premieres Tonight at 10 pm on FX & streaming next day, FX on Hulu.
To celebrate Breeders, the hilariously honest comedy that celebrates parenthood without sugarcoating it, we’ve collected prime examples of great parent rants. They may make you laugh, they may make you cry, and they’ll definitely remind you that we parents are all in the same crowded, germ-infested, sleepless boat. Here’s to enjoying the breeze.
The Dad Who Hates Elaborate Birthday Parties
What used to be a simple afternoon of controlled chaos — a bunch of kids bouncing off of each other, pausing only for cake and presents — is now an elaborate production that’s more about the parents’ egos than the kids’ enjoyment. Jimmy J. Tran, a dad of soon-to-be 8-, 6-, and 4-year-old kids offers up a rant that perfectly captures how strange the whole affair has become:
I’m not sure when the whole birthday scene escalated to epic proportions, but it is currently insane. Birthdays used to be about the birthday kids, but now it appears to be a quasi-wedding complete with deposits, contracts, decor, strict instructions and my favorite — party favors! Parents get stressed, spend lots of money and don’t want more toys, so they employ “no gift” policies. So, we go through all this effort and our kids end up upset because they didn’t get any gifts!
Pain Only a Parent Knows:
“I would die for those kids, Ally, but I want to kill them.” “Yeah it’s a conundrum, isn’t it? Trying to work out which duvet to suffocate them with.” “Well, the tiger one’s thicker.” – Paul and Ally, mom and dad on Breeders.
The Mom Who Had It With Slow School Drop-Offs
Sometimes it’s the little annoyances that inspire the biggest rants. Case in point: One mom who could not sit idly by while other parents wasted her time every single morning. She posted this pitch-perfect rant to Facebook:
I’m only going to say this once. If you have to bathe and dress your kid, comb their hair, scramble them an egg, and write them a send-off letter before they can exit the car, YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THE SCHOOL DROP-OFF LINE. Only people who raised their kids to jump out of the car with backpacks loaded like they are storming the beaches of Normandy while the car is at a slow roll are allowed in the drop-off line. I will be giving stink eye warnings today, but tomorrow I’m issuing citations.
The Stay-at-Home Dad Fed Up With Being Judged
There are millions of stay-at-home dads in the United States, but the stigma persists. People assume that SAHDs are bumbling idiots, in need of help with basic parenting tasks even when they don’t ask for it. One stay-at-home dad living in Brooklyn got so fed up that he wrote this exasperated screed.
I couldn’t possibly count the number of concerned looks I’ve drawn, to say nothing of the unsolicited advice: She should have a hat on. Open her coat — she’s probably overheating. She’s fussy because she’s hungry. Do you need help folding that stroller for the bus? They don’t like it when you do that. Try it this way. Didn’t your wife explain this to you?… I never did respond the way I wanted to, by saying, “I spend virtually every non-school, non-sleep hour with these kids, and I know what they like; what they don’t; whether they’re hot, cold, or hungry; and why they’re cranky better than I know my own moods and feelings.”
The Mom Who Wants the Last (Half) Day of School Cancelled
In many districts, the last day of school is a half-day spent hanging out, eating candy, and saying goodbye. It sounds like a pretty good time for the kids, but it can be a tough day for parents forced to endure the stress of an early morning and afternoon trying to corral kids amped up on sugar. This mom took to her blog to voice her frustration:
What’s the point of the end half-day? That just means I half to get up at 6:30, drag these kids out of bed, send them to school for three hours to get hyped up on sugar, high fructose corn syrup, Pixy Stix, donuts, and cupcakes. And then I half to go get ’em before the sugar high has even worn off! They didn’t even have time to nap it off!… I half to go get ’em, and they get in the car like dope fiends, like crazy nuts, hyped up on sugar for three and a half hours…No, no, no, no, no!
Pain Only a Parent Knows:
“Mommy, mommy!” “Mommy isn’t here. Try next door.” – Ally, the mom on Breeders.
The Mom Abolishing Her Kid’s Homework
A heavy load of homework turned one mom’s daughter from an enthusiastic learner into a kid who had chest pains and dreaded going to school. She decided enough was enough and sent an email to the school letting them know they would be “drastically reducing” her workload and concurrently posted a long rant to Facebook.
Is family time not important? Is time spent just being a child relaxing at home not important? Or should she become some kind of junior workaholic at 10 years old?… Did you know that in Finland homework is banned? And that they have the highest rate of college-bound students in all of Europe? Children do not need hours of homework time to succeed yet we act like sitting at a kitchen table after a full day at school somehow makes sense. It does not. IT DOES NOT. IT. DOES. NOT.
Pain Only a Parent Knows:
“Pulling hair is wrong, mate. I mean all violence is wrong, but at least punching’s a sport… Boxing’s in the Olympics, hair-pulling isn’t.” – Paul, the dad on Breeders.
Breeders premieres Tonight at 10 pm on FX & streaming next day, FX on Hulu.
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