Conan O'Brien Is Out Of A Job, So He's Sharing His Funniest Jokes On Twitter
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As you probably know, Conan O'Brien's long run as one of late night's top hosts (and definitely the best one ever fired from The Tonight Show after just seven months) came to an end this year.
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I know, I know. We're crying too, Conan!
Conan isn't gone for good, though — he still has his podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend; an HBO Max show in the works; and one of the funniest Twitter accounts around. How funny? See for yourself — here are some of his best tweets:
1.
Listen, if you don't want to know how to cleanly dismember a body, then don't ask what I'd do for a Klondike bar.
2.
I just learned that Tom Hiddleston initially auditioned to be Thor not Loki and that sounds exactly like something Loki would do.
3.
The “Nirvana Baby” lawsuit has inspired me to seek millions from my parents for this picture:
4.
Pick up something I just dropped, or step over it for three days first?
5.
If they don't call the "Cruella" sequel "Crueller," I'm not sure what we're all even doing here.
6.
Just read a fascinating New York Times piece that claimed I’ve reached my free article limit for the month.
7.
I just declined to “accept cookies” if you want to know what kind of mood I’m in today.
8.
Jeff Bezos is charging someone $28 million for 11 minutes in space, which sounds just about right for the owner of Whole Foods.
9.
I dream of a day when space travel is available not only to billionaires, but to any person with a net worth of over $500 million.
10.
Much respect to whoever decided the nail file used in pedicures should not be called a pedofile.
11.
I haven't had one Freudian slip in over a year, and I am trying hard penis to not mess this up!
12.
For their birthdays, both of my kids want the same thing: My word of honor that I’ll never do a TikTok dance.
13.
One thing I’m going to miss about the pandemic is that it finally felt normal to eat takeout in my car while crying.
14.
After Covid, people with soul patches should still have to wear a mask.
15.
Hey Pixar— Don’t know if you’ve paid attention for the past year, but I don’t need another reason to cry.
16.
Gaydar, but for tracking ships at sea and objects in the air.
17.
Not to brag, but in my 20's I was known for my ability to give women multiple fake orgasms.
18.
Shit, there's no iPhone footage of my selfless act.
19.
I just asked my wife why I walked into the living room, but she didn't even know why she was there, so we watched TV for six hours.
20.
Dear Fans: I promise never to use explosives or anything flammable when I reveal my gender to you.
21.
“What’s with all the statues?”--Future scuba divers
22.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
23.
God is looking down on humans right now thinking, “Damn. Maybe I should try dinosaurs again?”
24.
My kids have started saying "Leave Meeting" when they want me to stop talking.
25.
If there is a scandal involving Christina Applegate, what would they call it?
26.
Today, I overslept and completely missed my 2nd nap.
27.
Sometimes at night I look up at the stars and think... I should really get a roof for this house.
28.
I am packing on weight for a movie role I don’t have.
29.
Scientists have detected an unexplainable radio signal coming from space. In other words, now even God has a podcast.
30.
“If only these pancakes were more stressful to eat” -the Inventor of Waffles
31.
To my credit, I’ve never gotten “buy a ukulele” drunk.
32.
Dear @people magazine: I've noticed that your “Sexiest Man Alive” is always a man who is sexy. Why not switch it up? Thanks in advance, Conan O’Brien
33.
Doughnuts’ ring-shape was originally invented in 1847, by an American baker who was looking for a better way to have sex with cake.
34.
Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district.
35.
I don’t mean to be a conspiracy theorist but the Nobel Prize for chemistry always seems to go to a scientist.
36.
I have a very specific kind of OCD where I like to buy a dozen donuts and a dozen donut holes and then reunite them.
37.
People say I’m an “out of touch” celebrity but my butler puts on my pants one leg at a time just like everyone else.
Keep the funnies coming, Conan!
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