26 Questions I Had While Watching Cats

The Cats movie is finally out, after months of anticipation, and believe me when I say it more than lives up to the hype. One thing I must admit, though, is that Cats is...confusing.

Below, find an in-no-way-exhaustive list of the questions that Cats raised for me, in real time.

1. Did everyone else in the theater also turn to their movie companion and whisper "Those are the cats" when the cats first came onscreen? Because I did.

2. Why did this British woman put a cat in a pillowcase and throw it in an alley? Are there no no-kill shelters in London? This seems like a less-than-ideal method of cat removal.

3. Is it normal that I find some of the cats hot? Jason Derulo, a.k.a. Rum Tum Tugger, and his hip thrusts in particular, stand out to me.

1. If the cats can speak, then why can they also hiss? What does hissing connote to a cat blessed with the faculty of language?

2. Why in God's name is Rebel Wilson, a.k.a. Jennyanydots, splaying her legs in that borderline-perverse manner? This is not cat behavior, nor is it appropriate human behavior, and it's raising a whole lot more questions for me about cat anatomy that I'd prefer not to think about.

3. Did Jennyanydots just...eat an anthropomorphized, sentient cockroach?

4. Why are mice and cockroaches roughly the same size in the Cats universe? Shouldn't the mice be bigger than the cats? I feel like the scale is off.

5. So Jennifer Hudson, a.k.a. Grizabella, has a tattered shawl on, and James Corden, a.k.a. Bustopher Jones, wears a full suit. How exactly do cats acquire or earn clothes?

1. Why can the Cats cats cry? I never wanted to see a cat cry, particularly not a cat played by Jennifer Hudson.

2. Why can Idris Elba, a.k.a. Macavity, "disappear" other cats? Is anyone going to explain the nature of his magical powers?

3. Why are these cats always eating whole shrimp from the trash? Why are the good people of London throwing away so many crustaceans?

4. Should I discontinue friendship with my movie companion Maya for turning to me during a scene where the cats drink Prosecco and whispering "Cats can have little a Prosecco"?

5. Why do cats keep disappearing at the hands of Macavity? Does he want to be...the only cat? But then the movie would be just called Cat?

1. I wonder how the horde of feral cats that infested my garage in L.A. is doing.

2. What time is it in this movie? It's dark out, implying it's nighttime, but the cats keep breaking into unoccupied houses, implying the owners are gone.

3. Is it weird for cats to be petting other cats? I think it's weird.

4. What kind of fur is Judi Dench, a.k.a. Old Deuteronomy, a.k.a. the Cat Boss's coat made out of? You'd think cats would understand the ethical importance of going fur-free, but I guess not.

1. Who is the cat location scout tasked with finding perfectly cat-sized environments for the cats to dance in?

2. Is that Timothée Chalamet? No, wait, it's Mr. Mistoffelees (played by Laurie Davidson).

3. Why didn't I notice before that the song "Beautiful Ghosts" ultimately comes down to a contest of unexamined cat privilege between Grizabella and Victoria (played by Francesca Hayward)?

4. Why do the cats have human hands and feet? Why? Why?

5. Why does a cat in overalls with no shirt on somehow look more naked than a fully nude cat? It's a real puzzler.

6. How did the cats find cat-sized tap shoes and trombones? Is there a cat musical theater store in London? Did the cats special-order them online?

7. Is catnip a controlled substance in the Cats universe?

8. Why is Macavity suddenly nude, when previously he was wearing clothes?

9. Will the memory of this film ever stop flashing before my eyes when I try to go to sleep at night?

Originally Appeared on Vogue