Let's face it — we all have that one embarrassing story that still haunts us. And, for some of us, that story comes with some serious baggage — i.e., not being able to return to a certain store or restaurant because of the lingering shame. Yeah, it happens.
NBC / Via media.giphy.com
Reddit user u/valerian217 posed the question, "What is your 'guess I can't go into that store ever again' story?" And people bravely took to the comments to share their most humiliating and cringeworthy stories. Here are the ones that made me laugh the hardest:
1."I went to a pet store to play with some of the birds. One liked sitting on my head, and I thought that was cute until I realized he was stuck in my hair. I hid from the store's employees while trying to untangle it myself until I realized I couldn't. One of the employees had to cut the bird out of my hair."
2."It was the morning after a night of drinking lots of cheap beer. For me, this usually means a hefty helping of 'Bud mud' the next morning, and I was planning on making it back to the old home bowl to unleash. I was with my friend, and we still had to drive about 20 minutes back to my place. About halfway home, I felt some simmering in the crock-pot, if you know what I mean, and suddenly my anus gave my stomach the green light that it was time for evacuation. I flew down the next exit to find a bathroom, and I saw a Joann Fabrics. Never had I been inside of a Joann Fabrics in my life, but that poor store was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did an ass-clenching run to the bathroom, admired how clean it was (guess not a lot of men go there to shit), and then destroyed the poor fucker. It was a horrible mess. I cleaned up, bought some crochet needles because I felt bad, and left. I haven't been to a Joann Fabrics since."
3."My family had been shopping at IKEA, so we decided to have dinner there. Afterward, my wife and I were discussing our purchases while our kids (4 and 6) were playing in the toy kitchen area they have in the restaurant. We were about 15 feet away from them the entire time. After a little while, another customer said to us, 'I think your kids just started a fire!' I jumped up and ran over to the play kitchen area, which I then discovered had a REAL, WORKING MICROWAVE in it. Apparently one of my kids had discovered an abandoned cell phone and put it inside the oven. Then, the other pressed 'start.' I saw the smoke leaking out of the oven and hit the 'stop' button, which of course opened the door. A huge cloud of acrid smoke poured out, and I could see the burning phone. I slammed the door shut again. My kids were terrified. At this point, two managers had come over to see what was going on."
4."My kid projectile-vomited all over an aisle at a grocery store, and someone came flying around the corner, slipped and fell, flipped their full shopping cart, and a bunch of their items broke, adding to the mess. Then, my darling little boy looked at them and said, 'You should have been more careful.'"
5."One time I was pretty backed up, so I took laxatives in the morning and forgot about it. Six hours later, I found myself in a Dollar Tree running like hell for the exit so I could get to the bathroom at the grocery store next door. As I was running out, a worker stopped me, thinking I was stealing. I had no time to explain, so I just shoved my purse into his hands and kept running. I luckily made it to the bathroom, then went back to the Dollar Tree and had to explain everything. Such a disaster. I can never return; he laughed way too hard."
6."I moved from Chicago to a TINY town in Oklahoma when I was 10 only a week before starting school there. We decided to go into the only department store in town to see if they had any back-to-school clothes. We had eaten at a cute, little country cafe across the street, and I was holding the to-go box. I had horrible allergies, and suddenly felt a sneeze coming on. When I released the sneeze, a huge glob of snot landed on top of the to-go box in my hands. My 14-year-old sister laughed so hard upon seeing this that she accidentally ripped a huge fart that could be heard throughout the entire store. My mother was in shock at the both of us and laughed harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh in her life, which led to her immediately peeing her pants. The three of us ran out of the store and resolved that we would have to find a way to move again, because we couldn’t handle the shame."
7."A few years ago, I got drunk for the first time in my life with a few of my friends. I ran into a Harvey's and told them I felt like an octopus, belly-flopped on the ground, and proceeded to swim on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant. My friends promptly picked me up and carried me out to the parking lot. A few minutes later, I managed to break free from them and ran back into the Harvey's, screamed, 'THE OCTOPUS IS BACK,' and proceeded to swim on the floor again. I haven't been back since. My friend who started working there said they now have a 'code octopus' for whenever they need to remove drunk people from the restaurant. So, yeah."
8."Not me, but when my wife was probably around 10, she and her family went to a Red Lobster. After the meal, while her parents were paying, she felt bad for all the lobsters in the tank, so she took a chair and smashed the tank to free them. It worked, and they were all told never to come back to Red Lobster again."
9."While at the till at the convenience store paying for my lunch, the girl behind the counter asked if I wanted to go for a drink. Being married, I made my apologies, hastily pointing to the ring on my finger, to which she replied, 'Your lunch was a meal deal and would be cheaper with a drink.'"
10."My mom tried to steal a cardboard cutout of the Dos Equis guy from a pizza restaurant. We had it out in the parking lot when a few employees came out and said we have to put it back."
11."When I was a kid, my family went to a Pizzeria Uno, and I made a trip to the bathroom before the food came. They had those sinks where you press down on the knob and the water flows out for about 20 seconds while the knob slowly raises back up. I used my fist to hit the top of the knob, and the thing just popped off! A huge geyser of water began erupting from the sink. Another kid was also in the bathroom, so we looked at each other and bolted. I got back to my seat and sat there in silence. Then my mom went to use the bathroom, and when she came back she told us that there was a pool in the bathroom hallway and the manager and an employee were in the men's room slipping and sliding trying to shut off the water. My whole family was laughing at the story, but I just sat there quietly. They asked me what was wrong, and I told them I had done it."
12."This happened at a Mexican restaurant. I went to use the bathroom, and it was one of those single occupancy rooms with a locking door. Well, the door wasn't locked, and due to what I can only describe as the worst timing ever, I saw my waiter's dick. I was kind of shocked, so I looked up, and we made eye contact for a second. I just went back to my table and didn't say anything for the rest of the meal, even when my friends asked what happened."
13."I was at a coffee shop and had a cup of coffee sitting in front of me that was completely filled to the top. I raised my hand to get the waitress's attention because I wanted to order something else, and I accidentally whacked the shit out of the glass, which sent it flying across the room. It then proceeded to hit the waitress on the thigh and spill coffee everywhere. I felt bad, so I left and never went back."
14."Back when I was getting married, I was sick as a dog, and my soon-to-be bride insisted we go shopping for the wedding invites. We went into this pretty high-end shop, and I started to really feel ill. I asked one of the workers if they had a restroom I could use. Long story short, I took a massive, smelly, diarrhea dump, clogged the toilet, and they had no plunger to fix it. Even though I only flushed once, the toilet kept running and it started to overflow. I rushed out, closed the door, grabbed my bride by the arm and just said, 'We gotta go.'"
15."I used to go to the same haircut place from kindergarten until high school. One day, there was a new, fairly attractive woman working. As she started on my hair, I began to sweat. Sometimes when I was younger, my head would get really hot and sweaty when I was put on the spot or anxious. It would usually only consist of a few drops of sweat rolling down my face, but not this time. It was like someone was standing over me, slowly pouring a bottle of water over my head. It just kept coming and coming. Eventually, the girl said, 'Wow, you must be really hot.' I was already very nervous, so I just blurted out, 'Yeah, it must be because you're pretty. I'm not sure why it's happening. You're pretty, but it's not like you're that pretty.'"
16."My grandma took me to an Arby's for lunch, and then we went to Walmart to do some shopping. I was only about 5 years old at this point. Something with the beef sandwich didn't sit right with me, and my body began unleashing putrid liquid from my behind. I just remember crying hysterically in the stall as my grandma rinsed out my underwear in the sink. It took me 15 years to go back to an Arby's."
17."When I was 10, my mother and I were at Kmart doing some school shopping. I was trying on clothes in the changing room when I suddenly had to fart, so I left the room. While walking away, I decided to let the fart rip. Well, I didn't realize there was an employee bent down doing something right behind me, and my fart hit her right in the face. When I realized, I ran out of the store and was scared to go back for years."
18."About nine years ago, when my eldest son was about a year old, I took him in his pram for a long walk and ended up at a cafe. I took a seat, ordered a coffee, and took my son out to put him on my lap while we waited. A minute later, I felt a weird warmth on my leg. My son's penis was pointing sideways out of the edge of his nappy (into his pants). He did a huge wee out the side of his nappy that just flowed into my lap, then dropped between my thighs and onto the floor. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, and by then, it was too late. I was wet, my son was wet, and there was a puddle of wee under my seat. I panicked, asked them to make my coffee to-go, walked to the register carrying my son in front of me to hide my wet jeans, paid, and never went back. I still laugh to myself occasionally thinking about it, but at the time I was so embarrassed!"
19."I was with a group of friends in a very quiet store. We were slowly leaving one by one through the double glass doors. One of the doors was closed, and the other stayed opened. I somehow thought the closed door was the open one and vice versa, so I walked smack into the closed glass door. My face left an imprint on it, I guess because it was oily. My friends and the shopkeeper came rushing to see if I was alright. Then, they all marveled at my face imprint. I left quickly. Every time I walk past that shop, I make sure I am looking down or on the other side of the road in case any of the staff recognize my face."
20."In college, some friends and I had been drinking heavily and decided to hit up Wendy's for some drunk food. I was absolutely polluted. They probably only brought me along because I was in such bad shape and they thought I needed food and supervision. Two bites into my burger, I knew that eating was a bad idea. My stomach was ANGRY. As I stumbled to the door to head outside, the contents of my stomach emptied all over the inside of the glass door. My friends immediately jumped up, tossed my vomit-covered drunk ass into the bed of the pickup truck (on a sub-zero temperature night), and tore out of there. I heard the manager screaming at us as we pulled out of the parking lot. Our pictures were in the restaurant window for months, making it pretty clear that we weren't welcome back."
21."You know how in department stores when they have one of those display bathrooms, they have that piece of plexiglass across the toilet that says something along the lines of 'Not a real toilet'? Those barriers didn't exist in the '80s when I was a young kid. My mom looked up and saw me with my panties off, holding my dress above my waist, and sprinting for the toilet. She did not catch me in time."
22."My girlfriend fist-bumped the clerk when he was actually reaching to grab a paper we had just signed. Anyway, we don't go to that Tire Kingdom anymore."
23."I recently got a gym membership for the first time. A lot of the machines are pretty self-explanatory, but I’ve never used most of them, so I had no idea what I was doing. A few weeks ago, I was on the stair machine and noticed the guy in front of me working out his arms by making these circular, pedaling motions. I thought, 'Huh, I could do my arms too,' so I took the machine next to his, set the timer for 10 minutes, and started circling away. I finished my 10 minutes and looked down by the seat to see handles. It was a leg machine. I sat there for 10 minutes in front of the entire gym, God, and everybody, circling my arms. I’m not going to look anyone in the eye there ever again."
24.Finally: "I went into a Spencer's at my local mall because I knew they carried deep-throat spray and I wanted to get some for my boyfriend's birthday. I went into the back 'restricted' area, found what I wanted, and brought it up to the register. Lo and behold, the cashier was a girl I went to high school with. I didn't recognize her until I got right up to the counter. I hoped she wouldn't remember me, but of course she did. We chatted for a minute (I hadn't put the spray on the counter yet) and then she asked, 'So what did you find today?' I just slapped that shit on the counter and wished for death. I've never seen someone's facial expression change as fast as hers did. She tried to laugh it off by asking if I wanted any condoms to go with, but I was in the ninth circle of hell by then and could barely even reply. She completed the purchase in silence. I'm glad she was nice about it, but I'm never going in there again."
Alright, I'm dying to know how you've royally embarrassed yourself in public. What's your story? Have you returned to the "scene of the crime" since the incident? Tell us all about it in the comments!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.