22 Horror Movies That I, Frankly, Can't Believe Ever Got Made
This week marks the theatrical release of Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey, with public domain law once again paying dividends for fans of absurd and over-the-top horror movies.
Jagged Edge Productions
While many are excited to see 100 Acre Woods turn into a killing field, others are simply baffled by the sheer existence of the movie; after all, who is really asking for a Winnie the Pooh slasher movie?
But, believe it or not, Blood & Honey is far from the most absurd or bizarre horror movie ever made, as there's been plenty of scare fare that left viewers scratching their heads when not screaming!
Jagged Edge Productions
So, with this in mind, I've assembled 22 macabre movies that you absolutely won't believe actually exist, but you can see for yourself (if you dare):
1.Nurse 3D
Cast: Paz de la Huerta, Katrina Bowden, Corbin Bleu, and Niecy NashDirector: Douglas AarniokoskiRuntime: 84 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Who is Nurse, and why is she in 3-D? If you guessed a hypersexual serial killer (Paz de la Huerta) who targets cheating men and has developed an unhealthy fascination with a coworker (30 Rock's Katrina Bowden), you guessed right. Featuring absolutely inconceivable uses of 3-D effects and some of the most absurdly sleazy soap opera melodrama ever put to screen, this contemporary camp classic is perhaps better known for behind-the-scene drama that could rival that featured on-screen, including de la Huerta being accidentally struck by a stunt ambulance on set and unsuccessfully suing the producers for $55 million for damaging her career.
2.Uninvited
Heritage Entertainment
Cast: George Kennedy, Clu Gulager, Toni Hudson, and Austin StokerDirector: Greydon ClarkRuntime: 92 MinutesRating: PG-13Rotten Tomatoes
In this bonkers creature feature, a pair of millionaire fugitives and their spring breaker companions find their Cayman Islands yachting expedition complicated by a stowaway: a genetically mutated cat that is hiding inside of an ordinary housecat. With gooey and gross practical effects, scenery-chewing performances, and a hilarious blend of ordinary cat footage and puppeteered mutant cat set pieces, Uninvited has become a cult classic in recent years thanks to the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
3.Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare
Cast: Lucy Hale, Tyler Posey, Landon Liboiron, and Aurora PerrineauDirector: Jeff WadlowRuntime: 100 MinutesRating: PG-13Rotten Tomatoes
Is there a reason why Smile has eaten the lunch of this fairly recent teeny-bopper, smile-centric horror offering? Well, perhaps it's Smile's more nightmarish imagery, their R-rating, their allegory for drama, or the fact that Blumhouse's Truth or Dare is a very silly affair in which a demon possesses people to play the game "Truth or Dare," with the consequences including drunken roof walking, hand breaking via hammer and...coming out of the closet to a potentially close-minded parent? Why is an ancient demon so obsessed with "Truth or Dare" anyways?
4.The Mangler
Allied Film / Distant Horizon / New Line Cinema
Cast: Robert Englund, Ted Levine, Vanessa Pike, and Jeremy CrutchleyDirector: Tobe HooperRuntime: 106 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
From the mind of Stephen King, The Mangler is absolutely the scariest film you're ever going to see about a possessed industrial washing machine. That's right: a bloodthirsty, bone-crunching washing machine. Believe it or not, even the director of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, the star of A Nightmare on Elm Street, and the breakout villain of Silence of the Lambs can't make this film work, but if you think you might appreciate a truly wild physical performance from Robert Englund and the absurdity of a sequence where a sentient washing machine is exorcised after chasing people down a narrow stairwell, then by all means, give The Mangler a shot.
5.Santa Jaws
Active Entertainment
Cast: Reid Miller, Jim Klock, Carrie Lazar, and Ritchie MontgomeryDirector: Misty TalleyRuntime: 88 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
It's a Christmas massacre...erm, miracle! Following a young comic book artist who is gifted a magical pen that can bring his artwork to life, the product of his wild imagination has a hunger for his family in a movie where the title says it all: Santa Jaws. So if you've got the patience for low-budget horror schlock, add Santa Jaws to your watchlist — and be sure to check it twice!
6.Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat
Vestron Pictures
Cast: David Carradine, Bruce Campbell, Deborah Foreman, and Dana AshbrookDirector: Anthony HickoxRuntime: 104 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Another cult classic from the director of Waxwork and Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat is a surprisingly fun yet totally strange film about the politics and petty gripes throughout a remote colony of vampires in the desert that brings in a human contractor to fix their artificial blood factory. Of course, horrifying hijinks ensue. With a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, Sundown also matches its gonzo concept with a really excellent cast, including Evil Dead stalwart Bruce Campbell, Kill Bill's David Carradine, Twin Peaks's Dana Ashbrook, Blood Simple's M. Emmet Walsh, and Dallas's Morgan Brittany — just to name a few.
7.Come to Daddy
Cast: Elijah Wood, Stephen McHattie, Martin Donovan, and Michael SmileyDirector: Ant TimpsonRuntime: 93 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Directed by the producer behind Turbo Kid, The Greasy Strangler, and Deathgasm, Come to Daddy follows an introverted musician who is invited by his estranged father to reconnect at a secluded cabin on the Oregon coast, only to undergo a series of unpredictable events that change everything he's ever known about himself. To dig into the wildly flabbergasting events of Come to Daddy would be criminally spoilerific, but trust me when I say Come to Daddy will take you on a rollercoaster ride of alternating gasps, gags, and guffaws once the other shoe drops.
8.Night of the Lepus
Cast: Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, Stuart Whitman, and Rory CalhounDirector: William F. ClaxtonRuntime: 88 MinutesRating: PGRotten Tomatoes
As a rabbit owner, this writer can personally attest that those animals all have a dark side, which propels their moments of rage and spitefulness despite being the cutest little weirdos you could ever imagine. Of course, the dark side of rabbits is fully exploited in Night of the Lepus where, you guessed it, killer mutated rabbits terrorize a small rural town, and it plays exactly as goofy as you might expect. If you thought your jaw couldn't drop further, factor in that the film is headlined by Janet Leigh, who previously made horror history with her iconic Golden Globe-winning role in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho only 12 years prior.
9.Butt Boy
Cast: Tyler Cornack, Tyler Rice, Angela Jones, and Shelby DashDirector: Tyler CornackRuntime: 99 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
It's a killer thriller unlike any other, as Butt Boy surrounds a detective and recovering alcoholic who believes his sponsor might be the main suspect in a missing child's case. Little does he know that the prime suspect has a hidden talent and dangerous obsession that threatens to consume everyone around him...from the title, you can probably guess what it is. Stylish and hilarious, Butt Boy is perfect for anyone looking for a cross between the straight-faced procedural of Prisoners and the chaotic energy of Everything Everywhere All At Once.
10.The Kindred (1987)
Cast: David Allen Brooks, Rod Steiger, Talia Balsam, and Kim HunterDirectors: Jeffrey Obrow and Stephen CarpenterRuntime: 92 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
It's a tale as old as time: a grieving son discovers on his mother's deathbed that he has a long-lost brother, who happens to be a tentacled monster in his mother's home laboratory. But when a mad scientist threatens to kidnap his baby "brother," the aforementioned son must rise up and protect his newfound sibling. A really wild monster movie that had virtually been lost for decades due to copyright issues, The Kindred will keep your head spinning long after the end credits have rolled. The film is sadly not streaming anywhere, but you can get the fantastic Blu-ray (remastered in 4K by Synapse Films) HERE.
11.Verotika
Cast: Ashley Wisdom, Rachel Alig, Kayden Kross, and Sean KananDirector: Glenn DanzigRuntime: MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
What's the worst movie you've ever seen? If you didn't respond by saying Verotika, then you haven't seen Verotika, the absolutely nonsensical horror anthology from the mind of Misfits lead singer, Glenn Danzig. I'm not going to lie to you: this one is a tough one to get through from start to finish, but if you're looking for a so-bad-it's-good movie with a murderous man-spider, a face-stealing stripper, and an Elizabeth Bathory rip-off with no real purpose whatsoever, this stinky fever dream has all that and absolutely nothing else.
12.Black Sheep
Cast: Nathan Meister, Danielle Mason, Peter Feeney, and Tammy DavisDirector: Jonathan KingRuntime: 86 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
While this title at least gets credit for being intentionally funny, this horror comedy from New Zealand gives us all that we've always really wanted: flesh-eating sheep! Bolstered by genuinely impressive special effects from Weta Workshop, the company that produced the effects behind The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Mad Max: Fury Road, District 9, and M3GAN, Black Sheep is an admittedly fun twist on werewolf and animal attack horror that you won't believe exists even as you watch it, though you may want to steer clear if you'd prefer not to be at risk of seeing the eerily realistic half-man, half-sheep creatures in your nightmares later in the night.
13.Slaxx
EMA Films
Cast: Romane Denis, Brett Donahue, Sehar Bhojani, and Stephen BogaertDirector: Elza KephartRuntime: 77 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
We've seen all sorts of objects take on a new life in the world of horror, from killer dolls in Child's Play to killer cars in Christine to a killer mirror in Oculus, so why did it take all the way until 2020 for the world to get a move about killer jeans? Released in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, Slaxx milks its premise for all that it's worth, but what more can you ask out of a movie about homicidal pants outside of some fun kill scenes and even some prescient social commentary?
14.Bad Biology
Cast: Charlee Danielson, Tom Kohut, Jude Angelini, and Jessie Jayne ClancyDirector: Frank HenenlotterRuntime: 85 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
Filmmaker Frank Henenlotter is renowned for high-concept horror-exploitation hybrids, such as Basket Case, Frankenhooker, and Brain Damage, but his splattery genre gems have never been as out-of-control as Bad Biology, a self-described "godawful love story" between a woman whose intense sex often kills her partners, and a man with a sentient, drug-addicted penis. Co-written and produced by rap legend R.A. "The Rugged Man," Bad Biology does not have a single F to give with the sole exception of the "WTF" you'll be muttering to yourself with each sordid set piece.
15.Brightburn
Cast: Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Jackson A. Dunn, and Meredith HagnerDirector: David YaroveskyRuntime: 91 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Produced by superhero film extraordinaire James Gunn, Brightburn was conceived on a simple yet surreal concept: what if Clark Kent became Halloween's Michael Myers? By embracing the inherently creepy concept and prioritizing intimacy in a genre so known for spectacle, the big moments feel all the more distinct and unsettling, making Brightburn the kind of off-beat horror hybrid that rarely comes along, especially not at the scale of a studio-backed production.
16.Bubba Ho-Tep
Cast: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis, Reggie Bannister, and Bob IvyDirector: Don CoscarelliRuntime: 92 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Adapted from a novella by Joe R. Lansdale, Bubba Ho-Tep shouldn't work, as the film follows an elderly Elvis Presley who must team with a man claiming to be John F. Kennedy to stop a soul-sucking mummy from laying ruin to their nursing home. But Bubba Ho-Tep, which is directed by Phantasm franchise head Don Coscarelli, lands on every conceivable level, from the absurd comedy to the nightmarish horror, and even the emotionally tangible drama. Coscarelli would later stay in the WTF horror arena with his adaptation of Jason Pargin's John Dies at the End one decade later.
17.Psycho Goreman
Raven Banner Entertainment
Cast: Nita-Josee Hanna, Owen Myre, Adam Brooks, and Matthew NinaberDirector: Steven KostanskiRuntime: 95 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
Canadian filmmaking collective Astron-6 has shaped their entire brand on horror that you simply cannot believe exists, from their masterpiece of repulsion, Father's Day, to their giallo parody The Editor. But their ambition collided with their penchant for questionably tasteful ridiculousness with Psycho Goreman, a horror comedy about two children who discover a gem that summons — and entitles them to control over — an all-powerful, species-destroying alien, who consistently threatens them with global annihilation despite being forced to play games and dress like Alan Grant from Jurassic Park for their entertainment.
18.The Manitou
Cast: Tony Curtis, Susan Strasberg, Michael Ansara, and Stella StevensDirector: William GirdlerRuntime: 105 MinutesRating: PGRotten Tomatoes
Often spoken about in the same rarified air as such cinematic mind-melters as The Visitor and Hausu, The Manitou surrounds a scam artist who learns that a strange lump on his girlfriend's back is the reincarnation of a vengeful, 400-year-old spirit. A legitimately surreal horror picture that bounces between high camp and inspired nightmare logic, The Manitou has been critically reevaluated in recent years even if it is more inaccessible than not to general audiences.
19.Derelicts
Cast: Les Best, David Lee Hess, Kelly Dealyn, and Sam PleasantDirector: BC GlassbergRuntime: 70 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
We've had horror movies about Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day, and New Year's Eve, but until Eli Roth finally wraps in the forever-gestating adaptation of his Grindhouse trailer, Thanksgiving horror belongs to Derelicts, a horror-thriller about a band of sadistic vagabonds that break into a family's Thanksgiving dinner and begins peeling away the layers of their "happy family" facade. Helmed by up-and-coming East Coast wunderkind, BC Glassberg, Derelicts pushes the envelope and will absolutely trigger some viewers, but if you've got the stomach for cringe-inducing humor, tension, and gore, Derelicts will have enough for you to go for seconds.
20.Body Parts
Cast: Jeff Fahey, Kim Delaney, Brad Dourif, and Paul Ben-VictorDirector: Eric RedRuntime: 88 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
One reason why I admire '90s horror is that so much of it was filmmakers just throwing whatever crazy concepts they could imagine at the wall just to see what stuck, and the ones that landed, such as Event Horizon, New Nightmare, and Body Parts, carried that manic, go-for-broke energy so well that they become accidentally unforgettable. In the case of the oddity that is Body Parts, a psychologist (Jeff Fahey) undergoes experimental arm transplant surgery, which soon comes with horrifying visions of murder and an unconventional connection to other limb donors who begin dying in bizarre fashions.
21.WolfCop
Cast: Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, Jonathan Cherry, and Sarah LindDirector: Lowell DeanRuntime: 79 MinutesRating: Not RatedRotten Tomatoes
I'll always admire an over-the-top horror movie that wears its silliness in its own name, from Snakes on a Plane to Cocaine Bear to WolfCop. Believe it or not, this Canadian genre offering surrounds an alcoholic police officer who is cursed with lycanthropy that turns him into a whole new breed of law enforcement. Part shoot-'em-up exploitation film, part neon-soaked horror film, WolfCop became a sensation in the genre upon its release, which meant the titular character would live to howl again in the 2017 sequel, aptly titled Another WolfCop.
22.Death Spa
Cast: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, and Ken ForeeDirector: Michael FischaRuntime: 88 MinutesRating: RRotten Tomatoes
Last but certainly not least, Death Spa is exactly what you think it is: a health spa becomes haunted by the spirit of the owner's wife, resulting in brutal murders via sauna, workout machines, and tanning beds. A former staple of late-night cable, Death Spa has found new life more than 30 years later as a bona fide cult classic with viewers eschewing all of its faults and plot holes for the promise of a really fun time. Death Spa hive, rise up in the comments below!
