Miss America 2016 Was Crowned Wearing a Crop Top

(L-R) Miss Alabama, Meg McGuffin, Miss Louisiana, April Nelson, Sam Haskell III, Miss Georgia, Betty Cantrell, Miss Mississippi, Hannah Roberts, Miss Colorado, Kelley Johnson attend the 2016 Miss America Competition. Photo: Getty Images

From the very start of the 2016 Miss America competition I thought to myself, “Why am I watching this?” This question was even more confounding because I would’ve rather be watching the US Open Championship match. Throughout the broadcast, I continued to ask questions: yelling them to my family in the other room watching tennis, tweeting them out to my followers and the social media abyss, and even texting coworkers for some answers. So here’s the running commentary in my head from the first fake smile to the last tear shed.

The show this year, which aired live on Sunday night, took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey. To introduce themselves to the audience, the contestants danced to Demi Lovato’s “Cool for the Summer” and said something punny about their states. Miss Kentucky, from the state that has frequent earthquakes, said she was there to shake things up and Miss Wisconsin invited the audience to “come smell our dairy air.” Seriously. The girl from the cheesehead state either has the best sense of humor of all time or was forced to make a joke about flatulence by the writers and will forever be embarrassed because of them.

Miss Colorado in a Joseph Ribkoff dress. Photo: Getty Images

Following the pre-recorded introductions, all 52 women — Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands included — took to the stage in matching black dresses covered in glitter designed by Joseph Ribkoff Inc., who, according to the Internet, is the “leading Canadian women’s clothing designer since 1957.” Hosts Chris Harrison and Brooke Burke then introduced the judges: country singer Brett Eldredge, Taya Kyle, bestselling author and Chris Kyle’s widow, Danica McKellar who was Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years and is currently a mathematician, Paralympian Amy Purdy, Shark Tank’s Kevin O’Leary, Zendaya, and the first African American Miss America Vanessa Williams.

Back 31 years after being forced to resign her crown following nude photos of her published in Penthouse magazine, the Ugly Betty actress came out to a lot of applause wearing a one-shoulder gown with a single oversized sleeve. As soon as the claps died down, she sang “Oh How the Years Go By,” Williams’ chart-topping single in 1996. Images from her career and highlights from the 1984 show played on a screen in the background, including a shot of the People magazine cover. Maybe, at least as one Twitter user pointed out, that one should’ve been left out.

Following the rousing performance, Sam Haskell, Miss America Organization Chairman and CEO, apologized to Williams on behalf of the organization in the past. “So unexpected but so beautiful,” she said. “I’m so honored to be back.” And with that, the games began and 52 Miss America hopefuls were whittled down to 14. Thirteen were chosen by preliminary judges and one slot was selected by America through social media, with Miss Tennessee being crowd favorite or at least the one with the most friends on Twitter. The following to make it through the first round are below:

Miss Iowa Taylor Wiebers is first one in her family to go to college.

Miss West Virginia Chelsea Malone struggled with depression and attempted suicide, therefore her platform is mental health.

Miss South Carolina Daja Dial was a cheerleader at Clemson University and the token black girl.

Miss Florida Mary Katherine Fetchel is from the state where “if you’re not a gator, you’re gator bait.”

Miss Oklahoma Georgia Frazier nows how to throw a curveball and slider because her father was a pro baseball player.

Miss Virginia Savannah Lane has a twin sister in the air force academy and wants to be in the FBI so she is literally Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. Does Miss America run background checks?

Miss Alabama Meg McGuffin’s nickname is Egg McMuffin.

Miss Colorado Kelley Johnson lost her father to colon cancer and is a nurse.

Miss Louisiana April Nelson is an aspiring actress and would like to see herself on a sitcom or HBO series and “would be down to be Khaleesi any day.”

Miss Texas Shannon Sanderford is obsessed with Scandal and “would like to own every piece of Olivia Pope’s wardrobe.

Miss Nebraska Alyssa Howell tried skeet shooting one time.

Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell “likes to inspire people.”

Miss Mississippi Anna Roberts deferred medical school until next August.

Miss Arkansas Lauren McDaniel showed cattle when she was old enough and had a grand champion steer.

Contestants in bikinis of every color. Photo: Getty Images

After crushing the dreams of 38 women and taking them out of the running for a crown (or, more importantly, some of the $6.6 million in scholarships the organization awards), the remaining girls were shooed backstage to change into their bathing suits. Nick Jonas, who curated the playlist, chose Fifth Harmony’s “Worth It” to play as the girls paraded out in bikinis. One after the other, skinny women with six packs and impossibly perky breasts strutted out in high heels and very little fabric. What makes one stand out from the other to the judges is befuddling. Williams explained that she looks for confidence and can tell within the first four steps. “It’s not comfortable to be exposed like that,” she said, “nobody wants to do that but they pull it off.” Miss Florida was the first to make it through and sure I liked her white and gold-trimmed bikini but that’s not really enough to make someone a standout. Four girls were cut but I couldn’t say who, I still was more invested in the tennis match.

Miss Georgia in a crop top. Photo: Getty Images

For the evening gown round, the top 10 put on some dresses from Sherri Hill! She obviously could spare some prom-like gowns. The segment was assessed on poise, confidence, grace, and attitude, not their fashion sense, but if it was sartorially based Betty Cantrell, Miss Georgia, would win based on the fact that she was “breaking ground” by wearing a crop top and maxi satin skirt. Miss Oklahoma Georgia Fraser would be a close second because she thinks Kate Middleton (she neglected to use the proper Duchess of Cambridge) is the most inspiring and fittingly wore the most princess-y piece. For third, based on my discerning eye, would be Miss South Carolina Daja Dial who wanted to wear something “sassy” and give off “a little Beyoncé” and therefore wore a knockoff of the singer’s Grammys dress.

The talent part, my favorite for its fun fashion and funny dance moves, came next. Miss Florida danced to “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in a dress that I swear I saw Michelle Kwan wearing during the Olympics in like 1998. Zendaya was unimpressed with her handless cartwheels and air splits. So much cooler on ice. Miss Tennessee played a Liberace piece in a gown that reminds her of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. She wants to be a professor of organic chemistry, which I learned thanks to pop-up video alerts. Wearing a black jumpsuit with a sequin sash and flared pants, Miss Texas belted out Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man.” Also, she wants to be Editor-in-Chief at Vogue someday. Anna Wintour probably didn’t catch that because she was watching her boy Roger Federer. Miss Alabama likes to do performances that are a “little edgy” and so she danced to “Club to Death” from The Matrix soundtrack. Not sure Neo would approve of so many sequins.

Miss Colorado, a nurse, performed an original monologue honoring Joe, a patient of hers at the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. Unlike the other girls dolled up in fancy dresses or embellished leotards, she was wearing scrubs, sneakers, and a stethoscope around her neck. “I’m a lifesaver, I’m never going to be just a nurse,” she said. Brett Eldrege made a note about that one. Miss Mississippi played the violin. I think it was good? I dropped out of orchestra in elementary school. Miss Georgia should move to Italy and sing in the opera. But I’m tone deaf, if that wasn’t already clear, so I might not be the best judge. Zendaya and Brett Eldredge would know.

The last event was the question and answer portion. Each girl was paired up with a judge who asked hard-hitting culturally-relevant queries. Miss Colorado would put Ellen DeGeneres on the $10 bill because the comedienne is kind, intelligent, and funny without insulting anyone and that’s an incredible feat. My girl, Miss Tennessee, said Planned Parenthood funding shouldn’t be cut off because women would be out of health care for reproductive causes without it. Miss Georgia totally fumbled a question asking her to weigh in on deflategate. “I think I’d have to be there to see the ball and feel it,” she reasoned. But then changed her mind and said that if there was any question of his guilt then he should’ve been suspended.

McGuffin, 22, made the most noise during the Q&A segment. “According to a poll released this week, Donald Trump is leading Republican candidates by 32 percent of the votes,” Tara Kyle noted. “Why do you think he’s leading by such an overwhelming margin?” In response, Miss Alabama said she thinks the Celebrity Apprentice host is an entertainer. “And I think he says what’s on a lot of people’s minds but I think that the Republican party should be absolutely terrified of all the attention that he is taking from incredible candidates like Jeb Bush and Chris Christie who could absolutely do the job of president of the United States,” she said. “And if I were a Republican, I would absolutely be terrified of that. Thank you.”

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, following two hours of time in which I could’ve spent cheering on Federer (I wonder if I could’ve made a difference). A representative from Ernst & Young — how did the accounting company choose who got to bring the results? Was there an office pool? — brought the professionally tallied numbers to Chris Harrison and at that moment, when Federer lost to Novak Djokovic, I got really invested in the pageant, pulling for Miss Colorado, Miss Tennessee or Miss South Carolina. The girls all lined up, held each other’s arms, and then the names were read off. Miss Alabama got a $10,000 scholarship; Miss Louisiana April Nelson was the third runner up with $15,000; and Miss Colorado was robbed and I almost cried on her behalf because she had to smile through the loss like the beauty queen she is and won $20,000 in scholarship money. Miss Mississippi as the runner up can use the $25,000 for medical school next year.

So. Many. Emotions. Miss Georgia wins! Photo: Getty Images

There were left: Miss Georgia, Miss South Carolina, and Miss Tennessee. To attempt to ease the tension and mount suspension, Brooke Burke asked the three how they were feeling. Crop top girl said she was having bad luck with her earrings all night and had already lost one earlier in the night. At that moment it was clear to me that she lost. The other two thanked too many people to list. But I’ve never been more wrong about anything. Miss Georgia, the contestant who asked Brett Eldredge to repeat the question about deflategate and wore a crop top, won. I don’t understand, this is so embarrassing to the Miss America Organization. There’s no way Zendaya voted for her. She’s wearing a Sheri Hill crop top and matching skirt. I demand a recount. Danica McKellar probably would too but she didn’t move her face all night.

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