Being emotionally explosive is certainly no way to maintain a healthy relationship, but that doesn’t mean bottling up those feelings is any better. We know you want to keep your relationship stable, but you don’t have to suppress your own wants and needs to do so.

“People always think that once they achieve their goals, they will be happy,” says life coach Stacy Caprio. “They see happiness as a final result once they pay off their debt, graduate school, get that promotion, or find a husband.” But, according to Caprio, accomplishing these goals will only provide short-term happiness that’s likely to fade in the face of your next obstacle. For that reason, she urges clients to base their happiness on something other than a long- or short-term goal. “Enjoying the process is where true happiness can be found,” she explains.

“That personal strength, independence or—worse—self-sufficiency are essential ingredients for or are synonymous with happiness is a pervasive and pernicious myth in our culture,” says psychoanalyst Mark Borg, co-author of Irrelationship. Not only are these almost impossible feats to achieve for social animals like a humans, but focusing on independence tends to “cut us off from awareness of our emotional state,” he explains. Plus, according to Borg, it’s counterproductive to attempt to be self-sufficient at times when you are incapable. In fact, he says, doing so is like “committing ourselves to an emotional straitjacket from which we fear to escape.”

“Society teaches us that having more will make you happy, and that having more is the measure of success,” says stress therapist Dee Doanes, owner of the Shanti Atlanta Ayurveda Stress Clinic. But that isn’t the case. “Having more increases your level of stress because of the amount of energy it takes to maintain things,” she explains. So, “a lot of times when people get more things, the more they are unhappy.”

“Happiness is often viewed as a future destination or something off in the horizon,” says life coach Dannie De Novo, author of Get in a Good Mood & Stay There. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. “If you cannot be happy right now, in the present, no matter what your circumstances, then you will never be happy ‘one day,’” she explains.

“One of the pervasive myths about happiness is that it is linear,” says psychologist Rachel Tomlinson, founder of Toward Wellbeing. This is the idea that if you just continue on the right path, you will become happier and happier over time. But, Tomlinson urges, “This isn’t the case!” There’s no sure path to finding happiness, and certainly none based on some idea of “doing the ‘right thing,’” she explains.

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“There are no ‘happy people,’” says Paul DePompo, a clinical psychologist at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute of Southern California. Despite others’ best efforts to convince you of this fact through their Instagram selfies, the fact is, “We all have good and bad parts of our day,” he says. The more you focus on this fictional dichotomy between happiness and a lack thereof, the more unhappy you will become, DePompo urges.

It’s tempting to imagine that there’s just one thing missing in your life that’s the key to your happiness. But that’s not the case, says Samantha Waldman, MHC-LP, a therapist based in New York City who specializes in life transitions. “While having a satisfying relationship or career may contribute to a person’s overall sense of contentment, not any one external thing can serve as the key to unlocking happiness in a person’s life,” she says.

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, and other times it’s a sign that something is amiss with your health. Researchers from University College London recently discovered that older individuals whose sense of humor becomes darker—i.e. laughing at a funeral—are more likely to have a form of frontotermporal dementia or Alzheimer’s. This symptom actually appeared in subjects years before the onset of the actual disease. So paying attention to what you and your loved ones find funny might help you detect dementia early on.

Even if you don’t have kids of your own, you can at least empathize with those who do—caring for young children can certainly leave one with little to no free time. So, if you notice that a parent in your life seems more exhausted than usual, and could really use some alone time, volunteer your babysitting services. Not only will it give you a night off from your usual routine, but it could turn that parent’s week completely around and improve their mental health at that moment. Further, this act will communicate to your friend, coworker, or family member that you’re dependable—which can only work to strengthen your existing relationship.

When you’re in a relationship, you can’t just accept a dream job across the country or even across the world without first consulting your partner about it. Sure, your significant other might be willing to make it happen, but none of that even matters when you’re single, because you only have yourself to worry about. ”Many people turn down or put opportunities on hold for relationships and then regret it later when they don’t have a new opportunity or their life just doesn’t allow for it anymore,” explains Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator.

It’s common to brush rejection to the side to get over it, but a 2015 study published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science showed that it’s best to deal with it head-on. Instead of pretending like your negative emotions don’t exist, make sure you really think about why you’re feeling the way you are and work through the pain. Otherwise, the negativity might reemerge later on.

“People believe once they retire, they will be able to do all of the things they truly enjoy because they won’t have to work anymore,” says Jakobsen. While this might true for a select group, “most people need a purpose in life to feel happy,” she warns. Instead of waiting for retirement to live your best life, she recommends doing so now.

King is definitely one of the most successful authors in the world—but he’s not in it for the money, he says. On his website, King answers why he became a writer: “The answer to that is fairly simple—there was nothing else I was made to do. I was made to write stories and I love to write stories. That’s why I do it. I really can’t imagine doing anything else and I can’t imagine not doing what I do.” To learn more about the world’s richest self-made men, check out How the World’s 15 Richest Men Got That Way.

Being happy with oneself is, of course, important. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy in literal seclusion. Research performed at the University of Oxford in the 1990s found that extraverts are generally happier than their peers, due to their “greater participation in social activities.” Therefore, the researches concluded that “happiness correlates strongly with extraversion.”

While coming to terms with reality is certainly a part of happiness, it isn’t the whole story. In fact, happiness might come from bringing about a change in your circumstances, as well. If you’re unhappy, “no matter what your situation, trying out a change in very small ways initially is usually a good idea,” writes clinical psychologist Nick Wignall.

An immature person will all too often blame external circumstances for their own unhappiness. However, even after 40, many people hold on to this tactic to absolve themselves of looking at their own flaws, says Matthezing. Take weight gain, for example. It’s easy to blame your age and slowed metabolism for your expanding waistline. “However, is there real proven science to say it’s your hormones and not also your poor choices of lifestyle and food?” Matthezing asks. The point is, while some circumstances will always be out of your control, there are also always the ones that aren’t. And opting to focus on the latter puts you back in the driver’s seat. “Blame absolves ourselves of taking responsibility, and if we would just take responsibility and know that we are important, we would stay committed,” Matthezing explains.

While you may have a special bond with your grandkids, it’s important to remember that you’re not their actual parent. Though it may be difficult, taking a backseat to your grandchild’s actual parents when it comes to writing the rules about how they live and behave will keep everyone happier in the long run.