19 TV And Film Vacations From No Way To Yes, Please
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There are many important takeaways from The White Lotus. It makes us examine how we treat each other. How money and power corrupt. Existentially, do we ever really know our friends and partners?
HBO / Via giphy.com
And of course, what to do if your husband's best friend casually drops trou in your hotel room.
Yet, while I understand the importance intellectually of breaking down those critical questions and quandaries at the end of every episode, I find myself thinking one thing: Man, I want to be on vacation at the White Lotus Sicily.
HBO / Via giphy.com
So, with that in mind, I went on a quest* to find the best and worst Yelp reviews of other TV and film vacation hotspots. Some made me want to rip up my passport and never leave my home. Some made me want to book a one-way ticket to paradise.
*There was no quest. I wrote them all.
Here is my ranking of fictional vacation spots from worst to best.
19.Barbarian — Airbnb
0/5 Stars:
"Airbnb should take this house off their site!!! It's irresponsible to rent it! Bad, creepy, sick things happen here in the basement! Plus they double booked it and the owner is an asshole. If you like being so scared you might die, it's okay, but it is not for the faint of heart!"
18.Old — The Beach
.5/5 Stars:
"AVOID THIS BEACH! It will make you feel so old. So awful. My skin will never recover."
17.Don't Worry Darling — Victory
.5/5 Stars:
"It's a good news/bad news situation here. Palm Springs is a perfect vacation getaway, but steer clear of Victory! DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU WITH BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES! Everyone who goes has insane stories. I heard a rumor about a plane and dancing and an egg, but no one could tell me what it meant. Plus there is a spitter on the loose."
16.Into the Woods — The Woods
1/5 Stars:
"TURN AROUND! I know it's a shortcut to the ball, but DO NOT ENTER! It was cool that I saw a prince! And a witch! And a precious cow — I hope he's okay! And there was a little girl who was obsessed with a wolf. But there was also a GIANT. It's not worth it! No one believed me, but I saw it! DO NOT ENTER!"
15.Big Mouth — Hormone Monster World
1/5 Stars:
"I know, I know! I wasn't supposed to go through the portal, but I couldn't help it. I was curious! I didn't know about the Department of Puberty, and even though it's exciting, don't be fooled because you can get stuck in puberty forever! I can't have these braces for eternity! So, I followed the Depression Kitty to the Depression Ward. Everything was comfortable and padded, so I thought it was nice for a second, but try not to get stuck here! I know it's tempting, but stay away!"
14.Death on the Nile — S. S. Karnak
1.5/5 Stars:
"This one lady kept saying, "[We have] enough champagne to fill the Nile," and then tossed the champagne into the Nile. And sure, we had a lot of champagne, but lady, we won't have enough if you keep wasting it. I loved the boat and the accommodations, but someone died, which really brought the mood down. I'd go again if no one was murdered."
13.Shrek — Duloc
2/5 Stars:
"Based on photos, I thought Duloc would be perfect, and it was...kind of. Everything looked good, but no one was happy to be there. The Lord is pretty weird. The vibes could be better. Skip it. I'd instead go to the swamp."
12.The Office — Niagara Falls
2/5 Stars:
"The falls are breathtaking! Did you know the falls are three different waterfalls? I learned that on the tour. I saw a couple getting married. The groom's tie was cut halfway down. I'd love to know what that was about. The town was okay. The hotel was adequate. A man was in the room where the ice machine was. I thought that was strange, but everyone else seemed to think it was fine. Maybe check out the Canadian side?"
11.Enchanted — Andalasia
3/5 Stars:
"I don't normally write reviews, but I had to for Andalasia. First, it's hard to get there. They should have told me that. Then, to get home, a woman pushed me down a well. It worked, but it was odd. The animals are so cute! And my hair! My hair never looked better. I don't know if it was the water or the air, but the curls were curling!"
10.The Resort — Bahia del Paraiso
3/5 Stars:
"I usually only stay at White Lotus resorts, but since they don't have one near the Riviera Maya, I stayed at Bahia del Paraiso. I highly recommend the resort. It had topnotch service and spectacular beaches and pools. The food was also delicious. Unfortunately, there were a few murders on the property 15 years ago, and this couple was trying to figure out what happened. So, if you can stand some light murder and mystery, definitely give this place a visit. I wonder if they solved the murder. I should probably look into that."
9.Parks and Recreation — London
3.5/5 Stars:
"Don't let snobs fool you from doing some touristy things — the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, and Kew Gardens, they're destinations for a reason! Americans seem really into them, too. Like, really into them. The Americans talked a lot and so quickly, but they were funny."
8.Glee — New York City
3.5/5 Stars:
"I love New York City! And as someone who goes to New York a lot, I'm used to seeing some strange things, but this last trip was a little odd. The city was hosting the National Show Choir Competition, so there were groups of teenagers everywhere, and they just kept singing. Everywhere I went, these kids — One Direction or Same Direction, maybe New Direction — were singing. In fairness to them, these kids could sing, like Broadway level. They should audition for Broadway. They were that good. It was just bizarre that they sang in the middle of Times Square."
7.The White Lotus - White Lotus Sicily
4/5 Stars:
"The hotel is frankly world-class! The rooms are big and gorgeously decorated. If you stay with friends or family, some of the rooms connect for convenience. The pool and patio look out over the clear blue sea, and the food is delicious. During dinnertime, they have a lovely man playing piano and sometimes a young woman. I couldn't tell if she worked for the hotel, but she was good! That said, someone was murdered or died. I'm still trying to figure out how. It's annoying because the beach was so majestic and the drinks expertly made, and then boom, dead body in the water. It's a shame because it would have been five stars before that. La vita è fatta così."
6.Gilmore Girls — Stars Hallow
4/5 Stars:
"I'm from Hartford, and everyone talks about the magic of Stars Hallow. It's a quaint and lovely town with an excellent antique shop. However, it is eerie how much the town is obsessed with this one mother and daughter. I felt like I was back in Genovia, and they were the princess and queen. While getting a coffee, I heard the mayor yelling about the mother's love life. So, I asked this strange man named Kirk if the mother worked for the town. He said she didn't, so I don't see why the mayor is entitled to an opinion. But once you get past that, the town is worth the stop!"
5.Succession — Val d'Orcia, Tuscany
4/5 Stars:
"The estate in Val d'Orcia in Tuscany is the perfect mix of old-world opulence and new-world glamour. As I was checking out, a family was checking in for a wedding. The family took over the whole town. The town is stunning, and this family was also gorgeous, but let me tell you, their vibes were off. They were there for a wedding, but everyone was stressed out and angry! Seems like a shame for such a beautiful space. Apparently, they're worth billions. I think I saw the daughter make her husband cry. I'm not 100% he was her husband; he might have been her brother. Again, the vibes. I recommend the estate to anyone, but maybe call ahead to check what other guests will be there."
4.Falling for Christmas — Northstar Lodge
4.5/5 Stars:
"The Northstar is the perfect rustic cabin in a charming ski town. The owner is so handsome, and his daughter is adorable. There was a girl with amnesia, and everyone was chill about it. They didn't think to post her picture somewhere, maybe a reverse Google image search? I kept wanting to help, but she seemed happy, so who am I to judge? I hope it worked out for her. Her hair was amazing! She said she did it with a normal hairdryer, but I'm suspicious of that. The town had a "Santa Claus," and I was wary of him, too. Stay at the Northstar over the Belmont!!!"
3.The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part I — Isle Esme
5/5 Stars:
"The most beautiful house I've ever seen! Private and secluded, with white sand beaches and a waterfall nearby. Picture-perfect palm trees and stunning mountains surrounded the villa. It truly feels like your own oasis. The only odd thing was that the bed was broken. But other than that, it was a 10/10!"
2.Downton Abbey: A New Era — Marquis de Montmirail Villa in the South of France
5/5 Stars:
"The Marquis de Montmirail's Villa in the South of France is one of the most beautiful properties I've ever seen. A large house, with a veranda and garden, big enough for a party of 200! I went to a ball they were throwing for the family of an English Earl (one of the daughters is a marquess). I eavesdropped on the Earl, and he talked a lot about everything he's done to save his family's home, Downton something. He is exceptionally loyal to his house but now seems to be taking the Montmirail's place for his granddaughter, who's English and Irish. It seemed a little hypocritical. Nevertheless, the property is stunning. I would want it, too."
1.The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement — Genovia
5+/5 Stars:
"Wow! What a country! I wasn't sure what to expect. I only knew about the princess, or should I say the new queen. The monarchy is delightful; they sincerely care about the people and the chickens they put on their table, which seems to be a big thing, although I'm not entirely sure why. The main town is adorable, like a fairytale, and the anthem is so catchy I keep humming it. An A+ European treat not to be missed!"
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