If These Surreal Moments From "The White Lotus" Premiere Caught You Off Guard, You're Not Alone

·5 min read

Steeped in warm, golden light, The White Lotus joins the ranks of HBO shows about the trials and tribulations of beautiful rich people — think Big Little Lies and The Undoing. It's been getting a ton of critical acclaim lately, but we have to admit...the premiere was weird as hell.

Jennifer Coolidge as Tanya McQuoid

Basically, the first episode is a hazy fever dream where we meet a bevy of insufferable rich folks and the people tending after their every whim at the White Lotus resort. Early in the premiere, we learn that someone was actually killed there the week that the guests arrived.

Armond and Lani looking at tourists
HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

That said, the first episode doesn't going into anything scandalous or murder-y. Instead, we get a character study of a bunch of ridiculously wealthy people who aren't exactly having the time of their lives, no matter how Insta-worthy their stay at the White Lotus looks.

Shane and Rachel on boat
HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

Billed as a social satire, the show has a sense of humor that's so dry and brutal that you might occasionally wonder, Did that really happen? Yeah, it did! If you found some parts totally off-kilter, you're not alone! Naturally, we've compiled the hands-down weirdest moments from the premiere of The White Lotus — enjoy!

1.The show opening with Shane telling nosy tourists to leave him the f**k alone.

Shane tells tourists to leave him alone

The show begins a week after the vacationers first arrive at the White Lotus, so we get the sense that something has gone terribly wrong. Shane's alone without his wife, and apparently someone was killed at the White Lotus too.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

2.Armond casually wiping the stain next to Lani's boob.

Armond looking at Lani's stain

It's just so weird and so wrong on so many levels, and it's not even the weirdest and most wrong thing going on in the first episode!

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

3.Shane getting super fixated on the fact that he and his wife are NOT in the honeymoon suite.

Shane says this isn't the honeymoon suite

Breaking his typical nice-guy character, Jake Lacy is *chef's kiss* as a poor little rich boy unnecessarily making things weird.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

4.Lani covering the stain near her chest with a tray per her boss's orders.

Lani covering stain with a tray

Nothing to see here, except that Jolene Purdy is the MVP of this episode.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

5.Tanya losing her mother's ashes and freaking out to Lani.

Lani finds Tanya's ashes

Assuming that Tanya's loaded, shouldn't she have a less precarious way to carry her mother's ashes?!

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

6.Quinn getting settled inside of the tiny kitchen of his family's huge suite because his sister bullied him into it.

Quinn inside of kitchen

According to his sister, he would get off to her friend Paula in the morning.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

7.Then there's the whole reveal that Lani is pregnant, and that her baby is probably coming early.

Lani tells Darrell that the baby is coming

Happy first day of work! Over the phone, Lani tells someone named Darrell, presumably her partner, that her baby's coming.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

8.Nicole checking out her husband's groin.

Nicole looking at Mark's groin

And yes, with HBO being HBO, we get a very clear close-up of Mark's privates. The context of the situation is actually kind of sad and scary — Mark is waiting to learn whether or not he has testicular cancer.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

9.Rachel, perhaps the only grounded person of all the rich and flighty tourists, getting shred to pieces by mean teenagers reading Freud and Nietzsche on vacay.

Rachel says hi to teens

Olivia and Paula ask Rachel if she met Shane on Raya (yeah, the one where Ben Affleck got unmatched), if her husband will pay off her debt, and other extremely personal questions. Very intimidating.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

10.Rachel straight-up taking off everything and going for a swim after getting steamrolled by judgmental teenagers.

Rachel takes everything off and goes for a swim.

She's hot, and she doesn't need to take *any* of this.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

11.Lani's water breaking in the lobby.

Lani's water breaks

Well, we knew it was coming, but it doesn't make us go WTF any less.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

12.Tanya somehow steering the conversation about grieving her mother to her love life being a ruin.

Belinda and Tanya talk

Jennifer Coolidge's ability to toggle between tragic and comic is virtually effortless.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

13.Belinda telling Tanya to repeat, "I'm my own phallic mother," and, "I'm my own vaginal father."

Tanya says she is her own vaginal father.

I'm not sure if people actually say this in a routine cleansing ritual. Needless to say, Jennifer Coolidge and Natasha Rothwell make for a *very* compelling onscreen duo!

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

14.Quinn asking his dad why he keeps looking at his dick during their father-son bonding time.

Quinn asks his dad why he keeps looking down

I commend Fred Hechinger and Steve Zahn for the very earnest delivery of this moment.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

15.Tanya tipping Belinda several $100 bills because of how much she enjoyed her consultation.

Tanya hands Belinda 100 dollar bills

Tanya might be giving off weird vibes with Belinda, but she's a generous tipper.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

16.Mark and Quinn exchanging I love yous.

Mark and Quinn say I love you to each other

Given Mark's worries about his health, it's a sweet moment, but it's definitely awkward.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

17.Armond realizing how unaware he's been after spending all of his time trying to accommodate the rich people...

Armond has a moment

It's still hard to get a good read on Armond, but this is definitely one of those moments that show just how hard the staffers try to appease the rich guests and just how much of a problem that's becoming.

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

18.Rachel and Shane hooking up and reassuring each other that their marriage is going to last.

Shane and Rachel cuddling

Given Shane's reaction to the tourists at the beginning and the listless, empty expression on Rachel's face, we don't think so!

HBO Max / Via play.hbomax.com

It's been weird! What are your favorite wacky moments from The White Lotus? Drop them in the comments below!