16 Famous People — From Dolly Parton To Harrison Ford — Who Told Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes On Talk Shows
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Jokes! People don't tell them like they used to! Back in the day, just about everyone knew at least one good joke, and when people got together, they'd sit around telling them!
F*CK, THAT’S DELICIOUS / Via @fuckthatsdelicious
(Above is an image of how you're surely picturing me.)
The good news is that a lot of celebs still tell jokes, and often do it on late night talk shows! So, with no further ado, here are 16 celebs who told A+ jokes on national TV:
1.Harrison Ford was on the Late Show with David Letterman in 2015 when he told a joke — one that he said his wife Calista Flockhart would be none too happy about him telling. Here it is:
"So, this guy is working in the produce department at the grocery store when a lady walks up and says, 'Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't find the broccoli.' He says, 'Oh, I'm really sorry, ma'am, we ran out of broccoli; we will have some tomorrow morning.' So, he goes back to his work, and he's stacking the oranges when he hears behind him, 'Mister? Mister?' He turns around, and it's the same lady. She says, 'Where's the broccoli? You got any broccoli?' He says, 'No, ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning.' And he goes back to work."
"A couple minutes later, this same woman walks up right into his face and says, 'How come I can't find any broccoli? Where's the broccoli?' He says, 'Lady, do me a favor, will ya?' She says, 'What?' He says, 'Indulge me. How do you spell 'cat,' like in 'catastrophic?' She says 'C-A-T.'"
Watch Harrison telling his fucking funny joke below:
2.Chris Pratt was on Conan back in 2016 when it came up that he could speak a little German. He then proceeded to enthusiastically tell the following joke in German (translated to English below):
"Peter and his friend Dieter were sitting on top of a hill when Peter turned to Dieter and said, 'You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands! But do they call me Peter the House Builder? No.' Peter then pointed to a church by the houses. 'I built that church with my bare hands, too! But do they call me Peter the Church Builder? No.' Peter next pointed to a huge wall below them and said, 'And do you see that big wall? I built that wall stone by stone! But do they call me Peter the Wall Builder? No, they do not.' Peter paused, looked Dieter dead in the eyes, and said, 'But you fuck ONE pig...'"
Watch Chris tell the joke (in what I can only assume is spotless German, lol) below:
3.Natasha Lyonne was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno in the late '90s when she told a hilariously risque joke I STILL can't believe got on the air...and it caught a none-too-pleased Leno totally off guard.
NOW LISTEN... THIS JOKE — WAY MORE THAN THE OTHER ONES ON THIS LIST — IS ONE YOU GOTTA WATCH! It's a visual joke, and reading it just isn't the same. So, please skip over the text of the joke below and go straight to the video, m'kay?
Watch Natasha destroy Leno with her joke below:
4.Chris Hemsworth was on the BBC's The Graham Norton Show when he mentioned that people often come up to him and tell him Thor jokes. Norton asked him to tell one, so he said:
“Thor spends the night with this woman, and the next morning he says, ‘I have to tell you who I am. I’m Thor.’ She says, ‘You’re Thor? I can hardly walk.'"
Watch Chris tell his Thor joke below:
5.Last year, Dolly Parton appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and told what was supposed to be a true story from her childhood...but ended up being an elaborate setup to an A+ joke:
She started by talking about the reaction she got back home after her last appearance on The Tonight Show: “Everybody said, 'Well, did you tell Jimmy our famous story about our bear?' And I said, ‘No, I never got a chance to tell him.’ (Looks to Jimmy) 'Do you have time for it on the show? Well, this is a true story.'"
"Up in Pigeon Forge, many years ago, back when I was a kid, they had a bear in a cage. You know, we’re famous for the bears in the Smokies. And they had this bear in a big cage up there, and people would stop at this market and buy Cokes for this bear that was in the cage. And tourists would take pictures — for years, they would give it Cokes and peanuts."
"So anyway, this bear was just getting bigger and bigger. And they were selling all kinds of stuff at this market, and this poor bear was just drinking them all. One day, some redneck put gasoline in a Coke can. Can you believe that? How bad people are? The poor bear just went crazy, and it broke out of the pen and started toward Sevierville — because Pigeon Forge is about eight miles from Sevierville — and it was going all the way down there when all of a sudden, it just fell over."
Watch Dolly tell the joke in all of her Dolly-ness below:
6.And while we're on the subject of Dolly and jokes, I have to share this exchange she had on her short-lived TV show, Dolly, back in 1988. When a teenager in the crowd asked her what advice she had for the teenagers of the day, she replied, "I would say, 'Act like it's raining every day and wear your rubbers.'"
7.Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg appeared together on the YouTube show Dad Jokes, where celebs face off against each telling dad jokes.
Will started things off by asking Mark, "What do mermaids wash their fins with?" The answer? "Tide."
8.Mark replied by telling Will, "Did you know in King Arthur's time one of the knights of the round table collected taxes? His name was Sir Charge."
Watch Will and Mark tell their dad jokes here:
9.Gal Gadot was on The Late Late Show with James Corden when Corden challenged her to do a bunch of random things, including telling a joke in Hebrew that would make Hagar Ben Ari — an Israeli musician in the show’s house band — laugh. Here's what Gal said (translated to English below):
“A baby is like instant coffee, do you know why? It’s easy to make it, and it keeps you up all night.”
Watch Gal deliver her joke (in Hebrew!) below:
.@GalGadot tells a joke in Hebrew and turns out it's a Gal Ga-YES!