The PG movies were made for families. But, I can safely say I wish I didn't have "parental guidance" while I experienced my first sexual awakening watching Catherine Zeta-Jones or Tom Cruise on screen.
Here are PG movies that are so titillating they need to put their tongue back in their mouth and RELAX:
1.Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery isn't a feature film more than it was a long-running gag about sexual intercourse. All of Austin Powers' (Mike Myers) lines revolved around trying to take every woman to bed. He literally asked his spy partner Vanessa Kessington (Elizabeth Hurley) if she was DTF every five seconds.
2.Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) was arguably one the most popular examples of a horny PG-13 movie toeing the line. The minute the curvy Jessica Rabbit appeared on screen, you knew what was up with her "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" image, her sultry voice, and lustful proximity to the film's horniest characters.
3.I've had plenty of haircuts in my lifetime, and I never made the noises these suburban women in Edward Scissorhands (1990) did when Ed (Johnny Depp) took his knife fingers to their scalps. He had desperate housewives' toes curling and their eyes rolling back. This confused me as a kid, and I avoided touching people's hair for months.
4.James Gunn's Scooby Doo (2002) was a movie for kids (from the '70s) who have now grown into adults with dirty minds. Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby always had "something sexy" on their minds. Remember the time when Fred entered Daphne's body and took it as an opportunity to really check out her curves?
5.In Tim Burton's Batman Returns (1992), the PG-13 rating barely hung on by a single thread. Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer) playfully used her wits and sex appeal at every turn as an anti-hero in a chaotically stitched, skin-tight catsuit. Batman, Penguin, and every character she interacted with needed to take a cold shower after a conversation with Selina Kyle.
6.The entire plot of Weird Science (1985) was centered around two sweaty teenage boys, Gary and Wyatt, who created a real-life woman out of a half-naked Barbie doll and some Playboy magazines. The science was completely far-fetched, but the chemistry between Lisa (Kelly LeBrock) and every teenage boy's libido was palpable.
7.The Mask of Zorro (1998) tried to hide everything but the fact that Elena Montero (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and Zorro (Antonio Banderas) were hot for each other throughout the entire movie. The fact that her biological father taught the new Zorro how to be a masked mack daddy to woo his baby girl was enough for me to question the PG-13 rating.
8.The minute Tina Carlyle (Cameron Diaz) walked into the bank in The Mask (1994), everybody knew what time it was. She was a soaking wet, blonde bombshell (it was raining outside, y'all) who almost made the nerdy Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey) pass out at work from her fiery advances.
9.The Addams Family (1991) had Morticia (Anjelica Huston) and Gomez Addams (Raul Julia), giving us the '90s macabre relationship goals. Every time Morticia spoke a word of French, her husband slobbered her down with kisses. There was so much sexual tension the movie literally ended with Morticia becoming pregnant.
10.In Mr. And Mrs. Smith (2005), every moment, from the opening credits to the end, was too sexy for its own good. Looking back now at this film's plot of the married couple, Jane (Angelina Jolie) and John (Brad Pitt) dangerously lusting over each other while leaving deadly chaos in their wake was a telling sign of the real passion happening off-screen between the actors.
11.You can't tell me that "I feel the need for speed" flyboys like Maverick (Tom Cruise) and Iceman (Val Kilmer) walking around shirtless and talking about their "Great Balls of Fire" was not peak hornball energy. If it weren't for the fighter jets in Top Gun (1986), this movie would need to be rated R because every other element was just a really long Las Vegas stripper performance.
12.Splash (1984) might not be as overtly horny as the others on this list, but something about mermaid Madison (Daryl Hannah) trying to avoid getting wet around Allen Bauer (Tom Hanks) for the entire movie, always made me feel there were some questionable innuendos. Come on, the movie is literally called Splash.
13.Look. I was never a master thief sneaking into high-security buildings before, but I imagine it's not that sexy when you're scooting across the floor like a slug trying to avoid infrared lasers. Entrapment (1999) was enough evidence to prove that if your '90s PG-13 film had Catherine Zeta-Jones, it was about to be a hit for horny teenagers.
14.There's something about spies and sex that go together like peanut butter and jelly. In Mission: Impossible II (2000), Impossible Missions Force agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and professional thief Nyah Nordoff-Hall (Thandwie Netwon) spent the better half of the movie seconds away from jumping each other bones. She even "injected" herself to save the world.
What horny PG-13 movies did you watch that made you question if this rating system actually matters? Share your favorite movies and the scenes in the comments.
I called my mom and asked for her help. I asked if she could buy the crème de menthe for our grasshopper pie and make the pie with us. I desperately wanted to stay sober and I couldn't risk being alone with alcohol.