I spend more time than I'd like on Twitter. But now that Elon Musk is buying Twitter (well, maybe), there have been rumblings about people leaving the platform.
no one leaving twitter if elon musk buys it lol where y’all gonna go? facebook?? 💀
But where else will we get these absolutely hilarious, unhinged jokes that Twitter is known for?!? Just in case this is the beginning of the end for Twitter, I've compiled 100 of my absolute favorite tweets from the platform as a celebration of what it was.
Click through and give these users a follow if you like what you see!! (Ominous voice) Before it's too late...
i like big butts and i cannot lie, my brother likes small butts and cannot tell the truth, each of us guards a door, one leads to an anaconda that is sprung, the other to certain death
That’s how effective wearing a mask is https://t.co/2z9z6tj5oR
my wife and I saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly worn your Schindler’s List leggings.
Man, I am NOT cut out for LA. This girl at a party said “I’m a sub” and I said “oh that’s cool did you always wanna work with kids?” and she looked at me HORRIFIED.I THOUGHT SHE MEANT TEACHER. LIKE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.
The neighbours just put the house up for sale. Couldn't resist checking it out on Zoopla. That's our bloody cat.
I shit you not a woman is watching Shrek next me on the tube loudly from her phone and I looked over at it and she turned her phone so I could also watch Shrek
i was once seeing this guy and he kind of sucked so i was venting and texting my friend about it. i then accidentally sent HIM “peter kind of sucks tbh” instead of texting my friend, so i made a whole blown out meme to defend myself so it looked like a trend
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
you let the bedbugs bite????? after i specifically told you not to??
i played Juliet in high school and the morning after opening night, I came late to 2nd period and my teacher was like “ooh are you too big a star now to show up on time for American History?” and I got to be like “my grandma died this morning”
finally reading To Kill A Mockingbird. every page is blowing my mind
they should do a remake of west side story but place it in 1400s italy and have it be two warring families instead of gangs
i’m terms of dick riding this man is unmatched
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
how much more fun would the state of the union be if they had a kiss cam
You’re in her DMs. I’m in her DMs. We are both presenting her with the opportunity to be her own boss and make disposable income this is not a pyramid scheme
obsessed with hearing strange things men do on dates. my friend’s date last night ate her entire sushi roll while she was in the bathroom
I once went on a date with a man who explained what a plant is to me and I was like “I’m familiar” and he kept doing more plant explaining
fully thought this pic of bella hadid was ruth bader ginsburg
i got rejected from a job and google wants me to reply with, "bummer!"
me: how can I impress your dad?gf: he's really into carsme: ok[later]her dad: nice to meet youme: let's talk about pixar's finest movie
just got broken up with through a text sent with echo so my day’s going great
he listens to his WHO?
my bananas after two days
me: yes i’m sexually activethe dentist: i didn’t ask
ngl this took me OUT
Duolingo watching me do the wordle every day
Ill knock ur coffee off the counter when its ready for ya sweetie
going through my 5th grade diary
My son, each person has two rich white ladies inside of them…
me when the doordash person knocks instead of just leaving the food there
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Everyone’s going to date Pete Davidson at some point. Might as well stop living in fear and just let it happen, symptoms appear to be mild. Take your vitamins.
I just got served this ad on Facebook and now I must go walk into the sea
"paper straws r biodegradable tho" yeah i know they r biodegrading in my drink
we teach our spinach to shrink itself. to make itself smaller
dream blunt rotation
The dmv be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence
dutch is a funny language
this is a renaissance painting
last night i told a customer he looked like “if pete davidson drank water” and then asked him if he gets that a lot and he was like “obviously no one has ever said that to me in my life.”
credit card chip machines are like:- DO NOT remove your card- DO NOT - hey look at me - DO NOT remove your card- take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground
When you drop acid before a party that turns out to have more of an IPA vibe https://t.co/OKhP5C412X
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, "I can't have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children." I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
THIS HAS BEEN MAKING ME LOSE MY SHIT FOR DAYS. WHY DOES HE SAY PAPER TOWEL ROLL LIKE THAT???????
an evil Tom Holland doppelgänger named Bob Netherlands
My parents met at a party. They met at a party and fell in love. Meanwhile every time I go to a party I just meet a bunch of gay people who already have like 4 partners each. My life is so hard
All this stuff says "ask your doctor" like I keep a sexy little doctor in a penthouse apartment wrapped in furs waiting for my call
A girl I went to HS with responded to my story, “I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee. Living for your content girl!” It was a selfie
I want somebody to see the same possibilities in me that ocean spray saw in cranberries https://t.co/7UXLjVlD1G
mr.schue to the glee club: https://t.co/wyqA9n7YcH
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My cat telling me he loves me
My mom got this book to help me when I was getting bullied in middle school I’m dying
you’re in his dms, i’m in your head, in your head, zombie
Now what the hell
I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".
I hear you. I'm listening.
catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy
this is patrick star in balenciaga https://t.co/oLCouDGTP6
A cat sneaking into the Winter Garden Theatre in 1982:
me for the past 6 years https://t.co/lRc3YTf4j1
thinking about how scared the founding fathers would be if they saw a Furby
There is no one I have less in common with than the me who wrote my Facebook statuses circa 2008
the first person to ever throw up was probably like ok what the fuck
dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp
Craziest shirt I’ve seen this week
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
This is all you need to know about 2012
i have a pretty unique voice and at my first job the manager asked me to record an in-store commercial. one day some lady in my line told me it sounded like me and i was like ‘it is me’ and she said ‘oh honey, maybe someday’ and that’s the closest i’ve ever felt to tony hawk
we used to be a country. a proper country.
no fuckin’ way
Bra shopping is like:Prominently displayed bra in 32b: your breasts will look adorablely festooned in my delicate coloursSame bra in my size: YOUR VIKING ANCESTORS WOULD BE PROUD TO WEAR ME INTO BATTLE! AS A HELMET, IF NEED BE!
Last night I told a guy he looked like he listened to Fall Out Boy and he was like “what’s your name again?” and when I told him he leaned over and said “Megan, can you do me a favor? Can you fucking shoot me?”
insane banger filmography
it's super fucked up that you have to learn everything by your second rodeo
5 year old me confusing Micheal Myers with Mike Myers
what happened to leo in the first 13 seconds https://t.co/5JnQvLvMmU
whenever a frozen pizza says to put it directly on the rack i’m like you crazy son of a bitch. we might just pull this off
knowledge is the understanding that the rat’s name is remy. wisdom is the understanding that calling him ratatouille is simply funnier
there are two wolves inside me. they are failing the bechdel test
instructor: and what does the green light represent?me: the decadence and futility of the American dreaminstructor: this is a driver's exam
My neighbor passed me in the hallway and asked me if everything’s good. I said yea why. She said she heard me screaming at a man this morning for disrespecting me. So I had to explain to her than the large disrespectful man in question is actually a cat named Raheem
Look how the fuck I just tried to end this email
the lettuce in my fridge watching me have pizza for dinner
I yassed a yass in yass gone by
this was the closest we got to world peace
Damn...CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Gerbils are born into a world where an eight year old is their guardian
how did sling pull this off?
My phone will take the most triggering photos from the past year and throw them into a beautiful video collage and call it ‘fun in the sun ☀️’
got me snoring like HONK snusnusnusnu HONK snusnusnusnu https://t.co/MSiGMPpUkp