I've Compiled 100 Of My Favorite-Ever Tweets, And It's Worth A Bookmark If You Ever Feel You Need A Laugh
I spend more time than I'd like on Twitter. But now that Elon Musk is buying Twitter (well, maybe), there have been rumblings about people leaving the platform.
no one leaving twitter if elon musk buys it lol where y’all gonna go? facebook?? 💀
But where else will we get these absolutely hilarious, unhinged jokes that Twitter is known for?!? Just in case this is the beginning of the end for Twitter, I've compiled 100 of my absolute favorite tweets from the platform as a celebration of what it was.
The CW
Click through and give these users a follow if you like what you see!! (Ominous voice) Before it's too late...
1.
i like big butts and i cannot lie, my brother likes small butts and cannot tell the truth, each of us guards a door, one leads to an anaconda that is sprung, the other to certain death
2.
That’s how effective wearing a mask is https://t.co/2z9z6tj5oR
3.
my wife and I saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe
4.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly worn your Schindler’s List leggings.
5.
Man, I am NOT cut out for LA. This girl at a party said “I’m a sub” and I said “oh that’s cool did you always wanna work with kids?” and she looked at me HORRIFIED.I THOUGHT SHE MEANT TEACHER. LIKE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.
6.
The neighbours just put the house up for sale. Couldn't resist checking it out on Zoopla. That's our bloody cat.
7.
I shit you not a woman is watching Shrek next me on the tube loudly from her phone and I looked over at it and she turned her phone so I could also watch Shrek
8.
i was once seeing this guy and he kind of sucked so i was venting and texting my friend about it. i then accidentally sent HIM “peter kind of sucks tbh” instead of texting my friend, so i made a whole blown out meme to defend myself so it looked like a trend
9.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
10.
you let the bedbugs bite????? after i specifically told you not to??
11.
i played Juliet in high school and the morning after opening night, I came late to 2nd period and my teacher was like “ooh are you too big a star now to show up on time for American History?” and I got to be like “my grandma died this morning”
12.
finally reading To Kill A Mockingbird. every page is blowing my mind
13.
they should do a remake of west side story but place it in 1400s italy and have it be two warring families instead of gangs
14.
i’m terms of dick riding this man is unmatched
15.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
16.
how much more fun would the state of the union be if they had a kiss cam
17.
You’re in her DMs. I’m in her DMs. We are both presenting her with the opportunity to be her own boss and make disposable income this is not a pyramid scheme
18.
obsessed with hearing strange things men do on dates. my friend’s date last night ate her entire sushi roll while she was in the bathroom
19.
I once went on a date with a man who explained what a plant is to me and I was like “I’m familiar” and he kept doing more plant explaining
20.
fully thought this pic of bella hadid was ruth bader ginsburg
21.
i got rejected from a job and google wants me to reply with, "bummer!"
22.
me: how can I impress your dad?gf: he's really into carsme: ok[later]her dad: nice to meet youme: let's talk about pixar's finest movie
23.
just got broken up with through a text sent with echo so my day’s going great
24.
he listens to his WHO?
25.
my bananas after two days
26.
me: yes i’m sexually activethe dentist: i didn’t ask
27.
ngl this took me OUT
28.
Duolingo watching me do the wordle every day
29.
Ill knock ur coffee off the counter when its ready for ya sweetie
30.
going through my 5th grade diary
31.
My son, each person has two rich white ladies inside of them…
32.
me when the doordash person knocks instead of just leaving the food there
33.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
34.
Everyone’s going to date Pete Davidson at some point. Might as well stop living in fear and just let it happen, symptoms appear to be mild. Take your vitamins.
35.
I just got served this ad on Facebook and now I must go walk into the sea
36.
"paper straws r biodegradable tho" yeah i know they r biodegrading in my drink
37.
we teach our spinach to shrink itself. to make itself smaller
38.
dream blunt rotation
39.
The dmv be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence
40.
dutch is a funny language
41.
this is a renaissance painting
42.
last night i told a customer he looked like “if pete davidson drank water” and then asked him if he gets that a lot and he was like “obviously no one has ever said that to me in my life.”
43.
credit card chip machines are like:- DO NOT remove your card- DO NOT - hey look at me - DO NOT remove your card- take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground
44.
Yeah 😭
45.
When you drop acid before a party that turns out to have more of an IPA vibe https://t.co/OKhP5C412X
46.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, "I can't have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children." I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
47.
THIS HAS BEEN MAKING ME LOSE MY SHIT FOR DAYS. WHY DOES HE SAY PAPER TOWEL ROLL LIKE THAT???????
48.
an evil Tom Holland doppelgänger named Bob Netherlands
49.
My parents met at a party. They met at a party and fell in love. Meanwhile every time I go to a party I just meet a bunch of gay people who already have like 4 partners each. My life is so hard
50.
All this stuff says "ask your doctor" like I keep a sexy little doctor in a penthouse apartment wrapped in furs waiting for my call
51.
A girl I went to HS with responded to my story, “I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee. Living for your content girl!” It was a selfie
52.
I want somebody to see the same possibilities in me that ocean spray saw in cranberries https://t.co/7UXLjVlD1G
53.
mr.schue to the glee club: https://t.co/wyqA9n7YcH
54.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
55.
My cat telling me he loves me
56.
My mom got this book to help me when I was getting bullied in middle school I’m dying
57.
you’re in his dms, i’m in your head, in your head, zombie
58.
Now what the hell
59.
I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".
60.
I hear you. I'm listening.
61.
catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy
62.
this is patrick star in balenciaga https://t.co/oLCouDGTP6
63.
64.
A cat sneaking into the Winter Garden Theatre in 1982:
65.
me for the past 6 years https://t.co/lRc3YTf4j1
66.
thinking about how scared the founding fathers would be if they saw a Furby
67.
There is no one I have less in common with than the me who wrote my Facebook statuses circa 2008
68.
the first person to ever throw up was probably like ok what the fuck
69.
dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp
70.
Craziest shirt I’ve seen this week
71.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
72.
This is all you need to know about 2012
73.
i have a pretty unique voice and at my first job the manager asked me to record an in-store commercial. one day some lady in my line told me it sounded like me and i was like ‘it is me’ and she said ‘oh honey, maybe someday’ and that’s the closest i’ve ever felt to tony hawk
74.
👀 https://t.co/whTxXXbIot
75.
we used to be a country. a proper country.
76.
no fuckin’ way
77.
smells like
78.
Bra shopping is like:Prominently displayed bra in 32b: your breasts will look adorablely festooned in my delicate coloursSame bra in my size: YOUR VIKING ANCESTORS WOULD BE PROUD TO WEAR ME INTO BATTLE! AS A HELMET, IF NEED BE!
79.
Last night I told a guy he looked like he listened to Fall Out Boy and he was like “what’s your name again?” and when I told him he leaned over and said “Megan, can you do me a favor? Can you fucking shoot me?”
80.
insane banger filmography
81.
it's super fucked up that you have to learn everything by your second rodeo
82.
5 year old me confusing Micheal Myers with Mike Myers
83.
what happened to leo in the first 13 seconds https://t.co/5JnQvLvMmU
84.
https://t.co/DIbBD27xoq
85.
whenever a frozen pizza says to put it directly on the rack i’m like you crazy son of a bitch. we might just pull this off
86.
knowledge is the understanding that the rat’s name is remy. wisdom is the understanding that calling him ratatouille is simply funnier
87.
there are two wolves inside me. they are failing the bechdel test
88.
instructor: and what does the green light represent?me: the decadence and futility of the American dreaminstructor: this is a driver's exam
89.
My neighbor passed me in the hallway and asked me if everything’s good. I said yea why. She said she heard me screaming at a man this morning for disrespecting me. So I had to explain to her than the large disrespectful man in question is actually a cat named Raheem
90.
Look how the fuck I just tried to end this email
91.
the lettuce in my fridge watching me have pizza for dinner
92.
I yassed a yass in yass gone by
93.
94.
this was the closest we got to world peace
95.
Damn...CAPTCHAs getting hard.
96.
97.
Gerbils are born into a world where an eight year old is their guardian
98.
how did sling pull this off?
99.
My phone will take the most triggering photos from the past year and throw them into a beautiful video collage and call it ‘fun in the sun ☀️’
100.
got me snoring like HONK snusnusnusnu HONK snusnusnusnu https://t.co/MSiGMPpUkp
