100 of the Funniest Valentine's Day Quotes to Make Your Honey LOL

While romance and roses make for a lovely Valentine's Day gesture, filling your February 14 with both love and laughter is often the best gift of all. From Valentine's Day quotes that playfully poke fun at this Hallmark holiday to LOL-worthy commentary about marriage and relationships, this big list of funny Valentine's Day quotes speaks to the lighter side of love.

To give your valentine lots of laughs this year, share one of these hilarious sayings with them over Instagram or write one of these funny quotes in their Valentine's Day card.

And whatever you do, don't forget the chocolates!

Related: 365 Reasons Why I Love You—Ideas for a Sentimental Note To Share Every Day of the Year

100 Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

1. “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” ― Charles M. Schulz

2. "I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV." — Tracy Smith

3. "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." —Lewis Black

4. "To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." — H. L. Mencken

5. "Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is." —Anonymous

6. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

7. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office

8. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan

9. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman

10. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan

Related: ‘Why I Use the Most Romantic Day of the Year to Virtually Stalk My Exes'



11. “If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

12. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” — Melanie White

13. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton

14. “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” — Jenny Han

Related: Hilarious Valentine's Day Memes

15. “You know how people say, 'You can’t live without love'? Well, oxygen is even more important.” – Dr. Gregory Houser

16. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris

17. “You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.” — Mike Primavera

18. “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

19. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” — Lucille Ball

20. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen

Related: Cupid's Calling! Here are 100 of the Best Instagram Caption Ideas to Post on Valentine's Day

21. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard

22. “Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” — Bridget Jones's Diary

23. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

24. "It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do." — Unknown

25. "Love is being stupid together." — Paul Valery

26. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

27. "Love is a grave mental illness." — Plato

Related: Valentine's Day Quotes for People Who Are Single

28. "Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly

29. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” — Mindy Kaling

30. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner



31. "One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry." — Oscar Wilde

32. "Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species." — W. Somerset Maugham

33. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan

34. "Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." — Jimmy Fallon

35. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” – Melanie White

36. I have no Valentine's date! Anyway, it’s okay, food is love, food is life.
37. "Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." - Oscar Wilde

38. "Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life." - Unknown

39. “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” — Pretty Woman

40. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

41. "If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

Related: 61 Valentine's Day Gifts That Will Steal Your Daughter's Heart 

42. ”Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” — Albert Einstein

43. “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

44. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” — Cher

45."My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." - Garry Shandling

46."So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." — King Jaffe Joffer

Related: Valentine's Day Quotes for Friends

47. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen

48.” A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

49. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schulz

50.“I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito



51. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

52. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler

53. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

54. "Love is hiding who you are at all times. It's wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop." — 30 Rock

55. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — The Office

56. “Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason

57. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Related: Create The Ultimate Valentine's Day For Your Kids' Classroom With 43 Fun Valentine's Ideas 

58. ”If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.” — Fran Lebowitz

59. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” — Jerry Seinfeld

60. "You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah

61. ”Never sign a Valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens

62. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

63. "The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, 'What does a woman want?' — Freud

64. "Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass." — English Proverb

65. "Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from." — Nora Ephron

66. "Love is what you’ve been through with somebody." — James Thurber

67. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie

68. "You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better." — Unknown

69. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown

70. "Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

71. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason

72."I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

73. "So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." — King Jaffe Joffer

74. "A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he’s not very bright." — Lucille Ball

75. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."— Ray Romano

76. "Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists." — James Garner

Related: These 54 Valentine's Day Gifts for Kids Will Make 'Em Go Heart-Eyed

77. "I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met." — Steven Wright

78. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield

79. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl Bailey

80. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher

81. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal

82. "My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays." — Jacques Torres

83. “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” – Melanie Griffith

Related: Funny Valentine's Day Puns

84. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland

85. "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." — Carroll Bryant

86 "I reallyyy like you, even if my resting bitch face says otherwise!" — Unknown

87. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

88. Yay! We still like each other. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.

89. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

90. “I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” — Dwight Schrute



91. "Look, there's no metaphysics on earth like chocolates." — Fernando Pessoa

92. "Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch." — Cathy Carlyle

93. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" — Unknown

94. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken

95. “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” — Sixteen Candles

96. I’d be the first to stomp on your lovely zombie head. Happy Valentine’s Day!

97. "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

98. “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May

99. "Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock." — Jewish Proverb

100. "Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We're married." — Unknown

Making a homemade card for your valentine? Check out these adorable DIY Valentine's Day card ideas for inspiration.