20 Songs You Should Never Play During Sex
Setting the mood for sexy time involves a little effort: Slipping on some lingerie instead of the raggedy old tees you usually wear. Getting the lighting just right. And of course, putting on a little mood music.
A few months back, we delved into what makes a good sex playlist: Lots of Sade, obviously; tracks tailored to your significant other’s musical tastes; and plenty of slow jams.
But what about songs you’d never, ever want streaming mid-screw? Below, comedians and other funny people share the songs they’d hate to hear while doing the deed as well as some hilarious firsthand experiences.
1. “Star Wars” theme by John Williams
“Definitely the theme from ‘Star Wars’ being played on the tuba by your neighbor. Just as I got my girl’s pants off those iconic first few notes blared throughout my apartment building and we both exploded in laughter. The timing could not have been worse, or was the timing actually perfect? Anyway, we could not be less in the mood for sex, but for some reason we had a real hankering to watch ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’” ― Bryan Yang, a comedian and co-host of the “What’s Eating You?” podcast
2. “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman
“I’d have to say that the ONE song you should for sure never play during sex is the ‘Toy Story’ song ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me.’ Although, what a way to friend zone someone in a fun and easy way!” ― Allyson Sandler, a comedian in Miami
3. “Your Body Is a Wonderland” by John Mayer
“This song, by original soft-boy heartthrob John Mayer, was reportedly written about Jennifer Love Hewitt (look it up!), and it’s my favorite song to masturbate to! Unfortunately, doesn’t translate well to a sex playlist. One time this song came on shuffle just as I was about to go down on a guy and he told me to stop.” ― Jesse Roth, a comedian in New York City
4. “Chop Suey” by System of a Down
“It’s an absolute mood killer, unless you’re hooking up with someone who’s goth. On top of that, it’s physically impossible not to scream along ... which I’ve been told more than once is a deal breaker.” ― Max Emerson, a writer in Los Angeles
5. “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong
“I’m at the age where a lot of my friends have kids but we all still think we are young enough to party like we are in college. One morning after an all night party, my husband and I woke up feeling kinky. We were in the privacy of my friend’s guestroom. We thought it was a perfectly safe room for getting down and dirty. Just as we hit our stride on the lumpy guestroom twin bed, we heard the song ‘Baby Shark’ blaring from her child’s bedroom upstairs. We thought it would stop after the first playing so we continued. Unfortunately, it became clear after 15 straight minutes, ‘Baby Shark’ was going to be the soundtrack to our now nightmarish sex.” ― Nonye Brown-West, a comedian in New York
6. Anything by Tom Waits
“At the time, my partner and I were both young and hip and in love. The playlist was an excuse to stop talking and just be alone together. Our bodies became lost in one another until Tom Waits started barking about a sailor’s pocketwatch or something. It was like he was standing in the room, oblivious to what was happening and needing someone to call him a cab.” ― Ben Harkins, a comedian in Portland, Oregon
7. Justin Timberlake’s “The 20/20 Experience” album in its entirety
“He’s sexy and his music is sexy but the unedited cuts on that album are like 9 minutes long. Nothing is more demoralizing than finishing sex and you haven’t even got to song number two. Trust me.” ― Jack Comstock, a comedian in Brooklyn, New York
8. “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton
“Trust me, if you trying to set a laidback and tender vibe with a date, do NOT put on the James Taylor Spotify station. It starts well, and things could be going great, but nothing grinds a sensual seduction to a halt like an acoustic slow jam about the tragic death of a child. Now I only hook up in silence.” ― Brian Rodriguez-McGovern, a comedian and writer in Los Angeles
9. “If I Had $1,000,000” by the Barenaked Ladies
“Nothing says, ‘Please do not attempt to have sex with me’ like four jubilant Canadians softly crooning call-and-response dad jokes about how poor they are. And what if it does come on? Does one stop boning during the comedic banter for a chuckle? Stop to ponder if you have always really wanted a monkey? How about a nice Elephant Man reference just in time for your climax (02m18s)? No, thank you.” ― Alyssa Al-Dookhi, a comedian and writer in Philadelphia
10. “ME!” by Taylor Swift
“Having sex to a Taylor Swift song is like having sex in a grocery store: it’s the weirdest, whitest thing you can do. But having sex to ‘ME!’ Is on a whole other level. It’s the Kidz Bop version of Patrick Bateman in ‘American Psycho’ and that’s a hard thought to shake in bed.” ― Kathleen Buckley, a comedian in Portland, Oregon
11. “Yakety Sax” by Boots Randolph
“Some genius on the internet a few years ago discovered that this old song from ‘The Benny Hill Show’ makes anything funny. I was dating a fellow comedian and we decided to test this theory, and ourselves by putting the song randomly on our sex playlist. (OK, MY sex playlist: ‘R&B Slam Jams.’)
Unfortunately, not even a powerful HBO-level lust is enough to withstand pulling your erection out of your pants just as a saxophone lets out a brassy ‘BWWWAAAAAGGGGHH’” ― Nariko Ott, a comedian in Portland, Oregon and the host of the “What’s More Metal?” podcast
12. “Leave (Get Out)” by JoJo
“It accidentally came on when I was in the throws of passion with my ex. She thought I was trying to give her a hint and broke up with me! Whoops. Make sure you get all break up songs off your phone if it’s on shuffle and you’re naked with someone you care about.” ― Harper-Rose Drummond, a comedian in Los Angeles
13. “Who Let the Dogs Out” by Baha Men
“Easy. The worst song that could come on during sex is obviously ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ by the Baha Men.” ― Courtney Maginnis, a comedian in Brooklyn, New York
14. “The Star-Spangled Banner”
“No matter how horny you are for America, playing the national anthem during sex is simply not the move. ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ is only appropriate during foreplay, and should ideally be performed live by a professional singer, as at a baseball game.” ― Sarah Lazarus, a comedian in Brooklyn, New York
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15. “Amazing Grace”
“My wife and I are Christians. We went through a really holy phase and wanted to honor God in the bedroom. Christian gospel music seemed like the most logical thing to do ... it wasn’t. You ever tried doggystyle to ‘Amazing Grace’? Kirk Franklin’s ‘Stomp’ song I couldn’t keep up with. So I would stay away from gospel and Christian rock music while doing the nasty.” ― Michael Brooks, a comedian in Philadelphia
16. “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus
“The chorus is about riding a horse?! I’m still not sure if it’s a literal meaning or what. If someone put that on during sex, it would be like, why are we listening to this? Am I the horse in this scenario? Or is he the horse?! Also, why is this guy so into his horse? What kind of ‘riding’ is this guy doing to his horse?! Now I’m all concerned about this poor horse and out of the game. I probably have a really confusing look on my face, maybe queefed without paying attention. IT’S ALL BAD.” ― Mara Marek, a comedian and host of “The Happy Never After Podcast”
17. “MMMBop” by Hanson
“While ‘MMMBop’ is a certified banger, under no circumstances should you put it on while you’re banging. At first glance, you’d think sure, it’s upbeat, it’s fun, it could definitely hold its own in the bone-zone playlist rotation. Maybe you even put it on as a joke and laugh together in a truly intimate moment. This is a trap.
If you actually listen to the lyrics, you’ll quickly realize that ‘MMMBop’ is nothing more than a list of humanity’s failings and how true love in any of its forms is a lie. The first lyrics of ‘MMMBop’ are ‘You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last.’ One or two. Out of the dozens, hundreds, or thousands of people you will connect with throughout your entire life, one or two will stick by you. Having said that, I do fully endorse yelling ‘MMMBOP BA DU BA DOP!!’ when you orgasm. That’s objectively funny.” — Samantha Berkman, producer & creator of “CAMP: A Comedy Show”
18. “As Long As You’re Mine” from Wicked
“Anything from a Broadway musical is bad. In an effort to be my *true* self, I once added a song from Wicked to my slow jams playlist. It came on while hooking up with someone, and *I* was very into it, but their confused reaction told me I should pretend it was an accident. I guess I’m the only one who gets off on that Elphaba/Fiyero heat.” ― Tessa Orzech, a comedian in Chicago
19. “Greensleeves”
“I recently had relations with a gooorgeous guy who wanted to give me a sensual massage, for which he had chosen a 50-minute piano version of ‘Greensleeves’ as soundtrack. The choice, we’ll all agree, revealed him to be an absolute psychopath, and while I had this thought in real time, I persevered because he was gorgeous and so I was fine with him killing me. He did not kill me (YAY).” ― Neil D’Astolfo, an actor-writer in New York City
20. “Love on Top” by Beyoncé
“Not gonna lie, I hate being on top. I have bad knees (I’m 27, I don’t get it either) and I never know if I’m doing the bounce thing right, so I always get in my own head. Am I alone in this? Sound off in the comments. No ‘Love on Top’ for me, but I would have sex to the song ‘Love in Missionary, Lights Off, T-Shirts On, Done in 7 Minutes.’” ― Maddy Smith, a comedian in Brooklyn, New York
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
