31 Honest Tweets About Married Life That Are Straight-Up Hilarious
With the right spouse and the right attitude, marriage can very much be a laughing matter.
Sure, you could get all pissed off when your partner’s hair clogs up the vacuum yet again, or when they can’t decide what to do for dinner, or when they accidentally use your loofah to scrub the bathroom. Or you could find the humor in it all, throw your hands up and just laugh.
Below, we’ve rounded up 31 hilariously relatable marriage tweets for couples who don’t take themselves too seriously:
“Now what?”
- Me and my wife at 7:46pm on date night after we’ve already been to Target, Costco and Home Depot.— dADDisms (@Beagz) November 17, 2019
My husband and I have this rule that whoever opens the clean dishwasher has to unload it. It’s been full since 1995.
— Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 7, 2019
Husband: Could you have said that with a little less attitude?
Me: I could have but then I wouldn’t be the woman you married.— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 17, 2019
Every husband's fantasy: Hopping in the shower with his wife and gettin' it on.
Every husband's reality: Hopping in the shower with his wife and getting second-degree burns.— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) October 25, 2019
I just want my wife to love me the way she loves reality television.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 7, 2019
[wife in the kitchen] youre not bringing that to my parents house for thanksgiving
[me making the zombie brain dip I made for our halloween party] people went wild for this— brent (@murrman5) November 4, 2019
Pray for my husband who I just caught tearing up one of my Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Like, who did I marry OMG
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) July 22, 2018
Me: *knees crack as I’m bending down to twerk*
Husband: You’re doing great so far.— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) November 10, 2019
Me singing Prince: 🎶 I would die for you 🎶
My wife: That’s so nice. Did you take out the trash?— Eman El-husseini (@emanifique) October 1, 2019
Due to personal reasons I’ll be eating crunchy foods in my husband’s ear this week.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) October 28, 2019
Me: Bathroom is cleaned.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?
Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: The puffy thing with the handle.
Wife: MY LOOFAH?!
Me: You named the toilet brush?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 12, 2019
Me: KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME
My husband: You just killed a spider calm down— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 4, 2019
My wife is eating raw cookie dough with my candy ass because she's ride or die.
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) October 24, 2019
Me: *Accidentally saws my own leg off
My wife: Just take an allergy pill— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) November 12, 2019
Me: We are leaving in 10 minutes, is everyone ready?!
Kids:
Husband: Ya, I just need to cut the grass, take a shit and have a quick shower.— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 17, 2019
WIFE: hey wanna try some role play?
ME: [unaware she just completed a 10 hr hallmark christmas movie bender] wow, sure
WIFE: ok i’ll be the big city executive visiting my rural hometown and you be the old bff who is still single and grew up hot— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 10, 2019
Husband: *grumbling, cutting my hair out of vaccum roller brush*
Me: All’s hair in love and war.
Husband: *grumbling intensifies*— Mummy Dear 🇨🇦🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) November 18, 2019
Marriage is spending years carefully learning your spouse’s likes and dislikes so you can order things they hate and won’t steal off your plate.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) November 7, 2019
You can do it, put your back into it
-me to my husband getting the Christmas decorations down— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 13, 2019
Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked.
— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 10, 2019
I've been home for 2 hours and my wife has rolled her eyes at me at least 9 times. I gotta land on an even number so wish me luck!
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 14, 2019
Husband: Hey I think you made a mistake in this email. You spelled husband as husbad
Me: I meant what I said— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 18, 2019
just watched my wife shovel the snow from our front walk via our doorbell camera and it was better than porn
— Josh the Alwrighty (@Tryptofantastic) November 11, 2019
My husband stopped and got himself a slice of pizza without getting me one and I guess I’m celibate now.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) November 9, 2019
Writing a 7-part mini-series about asking my wife where she wants to go for dinner
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 15, 2019
My husband just strung together the most nonsensical combination of curse words while screaming at football on the tv and instead of pointing out that none of those words go together I just nodded and said, “That’s what I’m talking about” and that’s how you make marriage work.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 16, 2019
Me: Officer trust me it wasn’t me someone planted...
Wife: *pulling out bags of Doritos and cookies from my blanket* STOP calling me officer
Me: ...these right here— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 19, 2019
“I’m sorry for what I said 10 years ago.”
~marriage— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2019
My wife punched me in the middle of the night, but in her defense, I totally deserved it after doing what I did in her dream
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) November 16, 2019
Me: We have to leave by 9
Husband: Cool
[8:58]
Husband: Hey kids, who wants to learn how to play Battleship!— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 15, 2019
Me: Pretty sure I married the most difficult man to please on the planet
Also me: I want you to read my mind about what I want for birthdays, the towels must be folded my way, and I need 1% milk for my tea and 2% for coffee— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 8, 2019
