The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
When my daughter gets to be old enough to drive, I’m not going to tell her what to do from the passenger seat like all the other anxious parents.
I’m going to sit in the backseat and kick the back of the chair the whole time because it’s payback time.— The Dad (@thedad) December 1, 2018
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 6, 2018
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 3, 2018
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 6, 2018
Every child ever pic.twitter.com/cWuu4QYQMA
— ✨pretty young thing✨ (@blowticious) December 3, 2018
Have children so that one day they will sit on your lap, stroke your face, and tell you that your chin feels like a stale muffin.
— 🔳your mom🔳 (@eff_yeah_steph) December 6, 2018
If you're the kind of person who tries lame parenting tricks like using a stupid elf to get your kids to behave during the holidays, then we have something in common.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) December 3, 2018
Don’t get me wrong, I adore Christmas, but now that I’m an adult I can understand why the Grinch wanted to live on an isolated mountain with only his dog.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) December 2, 2018
The fastest way to get your family to leave you alone is to say, “Time to decorate the Christmas tree!” & then watch as your teens & spouse run & hide. You sit & relax with a glass of wine.
You’re welcome.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 7, 2018
I can’t tell if I have narcolepsy or two kids.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 1, 2018
I told Luna to “stop it” ONCE, months ago and now when she’s doing something she knows is wrong she screams DONT TELL ME TO STOP IT before I even say a word. As soon as it came out of my mouth I knew it would end me.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 3, 2018
Me: Let's go to the bathroom before the movie starts
9yo: I don't have to go.
I don't have to go.
I don't have to go.
I don't have to go.
I don't have to go.
Me: Fine
*movie starts*
9yo: Dad, I have to go to the bathroom— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 2, 2018
All I want for Christmas is my two kids to have bus service so I don’t have to stand in the cold and make small talk with other parents at school pickup.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 3, 2018
“A baby will eat an estimated 15 pounds of cereal per year”
Me: pffft..amateurs— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) December 7, 2018
My 3yo just jumped on my back and it cracked so loud, the insurance company heard it and billed me for an out of network chiropractor visit.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 7, 2018
My son just yelled, “COME TO ME, COOKIES!”
And then sat on the couch with his mouth open for a good while.
I guess it was worth a try.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 7, 2018
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy's beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don't like to share?
Me: Because I don't like to share.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 6, 2018
oh it’s gonna be 15 degrees tomorrow? my son better locate his very warmest t-shirt and mesh basketball shorts
— Valerie 🎄🤶🏻 (@ValeeGrrl) December 2, 2018
Dear Santa,
All we want for Christmas is a silent night.
Love,
Parents— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) December 6, 2018
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.