Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
"Sorry I don't make the rules" I say blatantly lying to my child about a rule I just made up.
— Avocado Mama (@HeatherStenwall) July 2, 2020
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2020
A surprising amount of parenting is bribing your kids with things you don’t want to do, then breathing a sigh of relief when they mess it up so you don’t have to deliver.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 28, 2020
After ten do you tell your child to go to sleep or do you scream it
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 2, 2020
“Hmmm, I guess I’ll have that”
- My 10yo after I told him what I was making for dinner like he’s got a choice in the matter
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 2, 2020
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 29, 2020
3-year-old: mama why do people get married?
Me: well, when two people love each other very much it can be a good thing to do for tax purposes.
— Felicia Day (@feliciaday) July 1, 2020
No one warned me how much of parenting is sitting quietly with your stomach in your throat, watching your toddler literally jump from new heights and try new risky things
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) July 2, 2020
A dark day for parents is when their child learns what "hypocrite" means.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 29, 2020
— Decker Ngongang (@Ngongang) July 1, 2020
my daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 2, 2020
I always thought I'd be a patient mom.
And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 1, 2020
Forget taking a yoga class. Once you’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion, you’ll know every position well enough to teach a yoga class.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 28, 2020
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: No *shaking head* I think they're all like that
— The Dad (@thedad) July 1, 2020
My daughter has been hoarding empty toilet paper rolls in her bedroom.
I don’t know what kind of elaborate craft she’s planning, but I already know I want to throw it out.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 2, 2020
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 29, 2020
I was celebrating the fact my kids were all playing together nicely.
Turns out my 8yo opened a Sharpie “tattoo shop” in his bedroom.
My 2yo has “tattoo” barbed wire across her chest and a skull with DEADLOCK scrolled down her arm.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 1, 2020
My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$... And this is the message he wrote... 😒😒😒 with full on instructions 🤦🏾♂️🙄🤣 pic.twitter.com/jiMm5y9UF9
— Chef Lauren (@ChefLaurenW) July 2, 2020
My kid shouts, farting while skating
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 2, 2020
By law, all dads who pick up a packed suitcase to load into the car have to say, “Jeez, what did you put in here, a dead body?”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 27, 2020
10-year-old: I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.
Me: Do you really have that much free time?
10: I don't have any free time. I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2020
My 4-year-old wanted to use talk-to-text to send a message to his aunt. This is what was sent. My 4-year-old is THE world's worst rapper. pic.twitter.com/Bq15aRcH1a
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 2, 2020
Me, to 8y.o: “Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?”
8: “Well, why do YOU watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself?”
Well played, kid.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 1, 2020
Also on HuffPost
'I Am Sorry Ben'
'Don't Tease People About Their Skin Color'
I Need Cash Now
Time For A New Pen
How To Cook A Turkey
Sister In My House
I Made A Blob
Dear So-Called Tooth Fairy
A Math Homework Mystery
You Can Be My NEXT Boyfriend
Can I Do Karaty?
Make It Rain Tacos
Cloudy With A Chance Of Kale
An Opinion Question
Macy's School Hairstyles
Stating The Obvious
Three Sentences That Mean The World
Goals For 3rd Grade
Dear Bill Clinton
One Track, His Mind Is
A Note From The Teacher
If The Shoe Fits...
'You Are A Superhero'
Fantasy vs. Reality
An iPad Note For Mom
"Dear Tooth Fairy..."
Three Little Words From A Boy With Autism
Happy Father's Day
Dad Is Really Cranky
The Daddy Trofy
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.