The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: What's the first rule of cooking?
4: Don't put your hands in your butt.
Me:
4:
Me: Correct.— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 13, 2019
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 13, 2019
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.
[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) November 15, 2019
*nobody in the kitchen*
*nobody in the living room*
*nobody to the left of me*
*nobody to the right of me*
4yo: *sneezes in my face*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 12, 2019
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 13, 2019
My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2019
5-year-old: I love you when you give me candy.
Me: So you don't love me when I don't give you candy?
5: Don't find out.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2019
I talk a lot of shit for someone who routinely struggles to open the same baby gate we've owned for years.
— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 13, 2019
Me: *spends time picking out stuffed animals I think my daughter will love and get attached to*
My daughter: *sleeps with and carries around a lemon*— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) November 13, 2019
The most important milestone is when your child learns how to use the tv remote by themselves let’s not kid ourselves here
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 14, 2019
Doctor: So for this procedure, we're going to put your son to sleep.
Me: How long does that take?
Doctor: About 10 minutes. Any other questions?
Me: Can...can I have some to take home?— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 13, 2019
What’s it called when you do everything possible to make people happy but nobody’s happy? Ah yes, parenthood.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 13, 2019
TODDLERS: THE MUSICAL
Including hits like:
🎵 I Don’t Want That (Yes I Do)
🎵 NO NO NO NO NO
🎵 He’s Looking At Me,
She’s Breathing on Me
🎵 Cough in Your Mouth
🎵 Bedtime is The Time for
Questions
SHOWTIMES AT 4 AM, 5 AM, and DURING YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 14, 2019
Parent-Teacher Interviews for Calm Firstborn: Discuss reading schedule, extra learning tools, and optimal brain food to feed her at breakfast.
Parent-Teacher Interviews for Wrecking Ball Second Child: Ensure he hasn’t tried to light the classroom on fire, then go grab a beer.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) November 14, 2019
*Loud crash from another room*
Toddler: NOTHING!!— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 13, 2019
no one:
my 4yo: daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 12, 2019
[New “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Lyrics]
Mom: Baby it’s cold outside...
Preteen boy: UGH, I SAID I DON’T NEED A COAT! (door slam)— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 15, 2019
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.