The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Me: What's the first rule of cooking?

4: Don't put your hands in your butt.

Me:

4:

Me: Correct.

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 13, 2019

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 13, 2019

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) November 15, 2019

*nobody in the kitchen*

*nobody in the living room*

*nobody to the left of me*

*nobody to the right of me*

4yo: *sneezes in my face*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 12, 2019

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 13, 2019

My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2019

5-year-old: I love you when you give me candy.

Me: So you don't love me when I don't give you candy?

5: Don't find out.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2019

I talk a lot of shit for someone who routinely struggles to open the same baby gate we've owned for years.

— Momtribevibe (@momtribevibe) November 13, 2019

Me: *spends time picking out stuffed animals I think my daughter will love and get attached to*

My daughter: *sleeps with and carries around a lemon*

— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) November 13, 2019

The most important milestone is when your child learns how to use the tv remote by themselves let’s not kid ourselves here

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 14, 2019

Doctor: So for this procedure, we're going to put your son to sleep.

Me: How long does that take?

Doctor: About 10 minutes. Any other questions?

Me: Can...can I have some to take home?

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 13, 2019

What’s it called when you do everything possible to make people happy but nobody’s happy? Ah yes, parenthood.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 13, 2019

TODDLERS: THE MUSICAL

Including hits like:

🎵 I Don’t Want That (Yes I Do)
🎵 NO NO NO NO NO
🎵 He’s Looking At Me,
She’s Breathing on Me
🎵 Cough in Your Mouth
🎵 Bedtime is The Time for
Questions

SHOWTIMES AT 4 AM, 5 AM, and DURING YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 14, 2019

Parent-Teacher Interviews for Calm Firstborn: Discuss reading schedule, extra learning tools, and optimal brain food to feed her at breakfast.

Parent-Teacher Interviews for Wrecking Ball Second Child: Ensure he hasn’t tried to light the classroom on fire, then go grab a beer.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) November 14, 2019

*Loud crash from another room*

Toddler: NOTHING!!

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 13, 2019

no one:

my 4yo: daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 12, 2019

[New “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Lyrics]

Mom: Baby it’s cold outside...

Preteen boy: UGH, I SAID I DON’T NEED A COAT! (door slam)

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 15, 2019