25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 18-31)

I can hear my husband in the next room singing an original song that seems to be directed at me. The lyrics: “I’m so very cold. This house is oppressively freezing. No one cares about my needs.”

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 24, 2021

Every married couple has a favorite car cup holder that their spouse knows to respect.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 30, 2021

Dates are great or whatever, but I love texting my husband Zillow listings from another room in the house and having him react to them with a thumbs up, thumbs down, or “looks haunted.”

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) May 22, 2021

My wife and I like to play games in the bedroom like "Guess which muscle is cramping up right now?"

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 19, 2021

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do pic.twitter.com/TF9tNXZZuV

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 29, 2021

My wife now says I’m “aggravating” instead of “annoying” and it’s nice to see I’ve perfected my craft

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 30, 2021

Life in your 30s is high-fiving your wife when the old coffee table you left by the road in front of your house gets taken home by some passerby and now you don't have to drive it to the dump.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 18, 2021

Apparently, being married is just saying the same thing over & over, just for your spouse to say, “you never told me that” even though it’s been said verbally & is documented in written form.

Love that journey for me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2021

I wish I had the confidence of my husband who just threw his socks on the floor after I finished vacuuming

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) May 25, 2021

My husband has leveled up from falling asleep as soon as the movie starts to falling asleep as soon as the opening credits start.

— yelisaSwizzy (@motherplaylist) May 19, 2021

Wife on speaker phone: PHARMACIST!
Me: that's literally the next option.
Wife: WHEN I YELL AT THE PHONE IT WORKS.

*hope they have her drugs*

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) May 19, 2021

Life advice:

Get married and have kids so you can wanna have sex at the most inopportune times and not wanna have sex when you actually could.

— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 22, 2021

My wife finished our puzzle while I was in therapy and now I need another hour to process that betrayal

— lucy bexley 🛼🪐🦔 (@bexley_lucy) May 21, 2021

My husband just said his stomach was only bothering him a little, but that he was going to take something because “I don’t have time for diarrhea,” and if that isn’t a perfect description of adulthood I dunno what is.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 20, 2021

My wife described something as "puce."

I thought it was a word she made up.

Turns out it's a color.

Women are living life on a whole different level than the rest of us.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 30, 2021

Husband and I went for a walk this morning and we passed an old woman who shouted to us “are you guys twins?” and husband yelled back “nope! Just narcissists!”

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 19, 2021

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 21, 2021

ME: *sits down on couch holding a drink* awww yeah friday night, let’s get this party started

WIFE: just go to bed you’re going to fall asleep in 5 seconds anyway

ME: [already asleep]

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 22, 2021

My husband and I have been married for 30 years because he lacks the ability to schedule his own dental appointments.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 22, 2021

You look like someone who stops and reads every sign about the wildlife, insects and plants that are native to the area when driving in any national park wait ARE YOU MY HUSBAND

— Cathryn 💚🏳️‍🌈💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) May 21, 2021

In an effort to nag less, instead of complaining of my husband not flushing the toilet AGAIN, I just walked right up to him and said, “Your poop looks really normal today, you back on your probiotic?”

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 18, 2021

I sneezed my wife awake so if you had "5:47 AM" in the office pool of what time my wife would start being angry with me please come to the lobby to collect your prize

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 29, 2021

When I was single and had all the time in the world I was living off minute rice & hungry man dinners, but now that I'm married, have two kids and ZERO time to spare I'm cooking barley in a crockpot for six hours & making meatballs from scratch. This shit doesn't make any sense.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 20, 2021

My husband woke me up with coffee & said, “Let’s go to Lowe’s.”

And that’s romance after 25 years.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 22, 2021

My husband just asked if I’m going to be “involved with lunch” today and I can only assume he means romantically and so the answer is yes

— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) May 28, 2021