How Donald Trump Sees The Globe

Aaron Nemo
Updated
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(Photo: )

Over the centuries, countless cartographers have dedicated their lives to tirelessly assembling an accurate representation of our globe. Ignore those idiots: It's Trump time! Feast your eyes upon our estimation of the ultimate map as perceived by the lone presidential candidate ever to utter the phrase, "Somebody's doing the raping."

THE AMERICAS

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Trump, formerly the United States of America, is the world's largest and best country. It's downright huge (pronounced "yuge"). The country now known as Climate Change Is a Hoax, which is losing 90 miles of cubic ice each year, is named after The Donald's stance on global warming.

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Vacation is a great place to take a trip, but make sure to fly there as opposed to driving. You wouldn't want to get a flat tire in Rape.

Trump-Mark Cuban relations are improving. Cuban was recently removed from the State Sponsors of Terrorism list, on which it was placed because of a Twitter feud with the former host of "The Apprentice."

EUROPE, AFRICA, THE MIDDLE EAST

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(Photo: )
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Across the Atlantic from Trump is a continent called Obama Is From Here. It neighbors the Middle East, an area of the world that has been graced by the holiest of men: Bradley Cooper and Clint Eastwood. Oh, and don't forget Dumb Opinion About Muslims!

ASIA

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All eyes are on the young, hostile nation of North Korea. It can be found just South of South Korea. Wait --

Now onto arguably the most powerful dynasty in the world: The New England Patriots. This economic powerhouse received its name from Trump's recent comparison between Tom Brady's crew and Chinese leadership. The Patriots share a border with They Copied My Taj Mahal, a country that totally ripped off Trump's Atlantic City casino.

(Photo: Getty)
(Photo: Getty)

AUSTRALIA

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See for yourself ...

(Photo: Getty)
(Photo: Getty)

Nic Cage Resume

Even a diehard Nicolas Cage fan would be startled by that photo.
Even a diehard Nicolas Cage fan would be startled by that photo.

Martin Scoresissers?

Don't forget his important role as "Street Gosser" in "911."
Don't forget his important role as "Street Gosser" in "911."

Hello? Yes, This Is Chimp

"Awwww Nooooo!" - Employer
"Awwww Nooooo!" - Employer

Eric Knows What Is Up

What really sets him above the rest is that his "horse-like laugh" is optional.
What really sets him above the rest is that his "horse-like laugh" is optional.

What A Difference A Letter Makes

Spellcheck can't catch everything.
Spellcheck can't catch everything.

Roanald FTW

"Need my resume? Nope. Not when you got my FACTS!"
"Need my resume? Nope. Not when you got my FACTS!"

Hire My Smile

The italicizing of <em>to die for</em> was a <em>nice touch.</em>
The italicizing of to die for was a nice touch.

NSFW Cover Letter

Well, that's one way to make an impression.
Well, that's one way to make an impression.

Nefarious Dude

Sometimes you have to explain the holes in your career path.
Sometimes you have to explain the holes in your career path.

He Donated His Pulitzer Prize To Charity

To be fair, we are taught to embellish a little.
To be fair, we are taught to embellish a little.

"Professional Genious"

Forget about the job, but we are interested in hearing a punk band called The Bob Sagets.
Forget about the job, but we are interested in hearing a punk band called The Bob Sagets.

Proud Tim Hortian Employee

If he wasn't in high school we'd be more worried.
If he wasn't in high school we'd be more worried.

Charts!

This is for a restaurant job.
This is for a restaurant job.

NSFW Mike "Da-Bomb" Email

"You want 'E-learning?' I'll make a new category called 'E-takin'youtoschoolSON."
"You want 'E-learning?' I'll make a new category called 'E-takin'youtoschoolSON."

Caps Lock Fan

Was this written by that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me?
Was this written by that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me?

Childish Sense Of Wonder

This guy really knows how to sell himself.
This guy really knows how to sell himself.

Sounds Like A Really Great Guy

48 <em>hours</em>?
48 hours?

Redundant Much?

Looks like someone found a thesaurus.
Looks like someone found a thesaurus.

The Employer's Turn

We imagine the head of HR was not amused.
We imagine the head of HR was not amused.

Summer Job? K Thnx Bye

If eyebrow tweezing is one of your hobbies then you MIGHT have a problem.
If eyebrow tweezing is one of your hobbies then you MIGHT have a problem.

Minimalist Cover Letter

It is what it is.
It is what it is.

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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.