What Divorce Lawyers Really Think About The Concept Of Soulmates

Kelsey Borresen
You can believe in soulmates without believing that there is only one "perfect" person out there for each of us. (Photo: erhui1979 via Getty Images)
You can believe in soulmates without believing that there is only one "perfect" person out there for each of us. (Photo: erhui1979 via Getty Images)

You might think divorce lawyers would be rather cynical when it comes to love in general — and certainly when it comes to something as romantic as the idea of soulmates.

But just because attorneys may be pragmatic in their approach to marriage doesn’t mean they’ve lost all faith in true love.

“I’ve handled hundreds of divorces in my lifetime and I’m divorced myself. If anyone is a candidate to tell you that a ‘soulmate’ is a hokey, out-of-date concept, it would be me,” Morghan Richardson, matrimonial partner at Davidoff Hutcher & Citron in New York City, told HuffPost. “But as soon as I pledged to never get married again, I met my current husband. And as soon as I saw him, I knew that this was something special and something worth taking a risk on.”

We asked divorce attorneys if they believe in the concept of soulmates, how they define the term, and how their personal and professional lives have influenced those beliefs. Here’s what they told us:

People can have multiple soulmates throughout their lives.

“I do not think soulmates are preordained or that there’s only one soulmate per person. But I do think there are people that are absolutely perfect for each other. I just don’t think everyone finds that person or any of the few that may be their perfect soulmate.

Being a divorce lawyer could make me very cynical. It has done the opposite. It gives me faith in humanity and faith that people can go through terrible situations and still rebound and find love and happiness. I am an eternal optimist. Given what I do, it is a job requirement.” — Randy Kessler, founding partner at Kessler and Solomiany in Atlanta

Soulmate relationships aren’t effortless. They still require lots of TLC.

“It may seem strange that a divorce attorney would believe in the idea of soulmates, but I absolutely do. And I’m lucky enough to have found mine! But my profession has taught me that even if you’ve found your soulmate, you still need to consistently put time, effort and love into your relationship, or it won’t last.

Everyone wants to find their soulmate — the one person who they love and connect with more than anyone else on the planet. But what’s even more important than finding that person is being that person for the one that you love. When you can do that with your whole heart and soul, that’s when you experience the relationship of your dreams.” — Karen Covy, attorney, divorce coach and author of When Happily Ever After Ends, based in Chicago

A soulmate will challenge you and push you to mature.

“Infatuation, the way you feel in the honeymoon phase of relationships and the overall euphoria associated with new love, often make people mistakenly feel like they’ve found their soulmate. It’s such a subjective term, it’s hard to even know what people think is the true basis of this revelation. You feel like you’ve known him or her all of your life? You finish each other’s sentences? You want the same things out of life? You feel fate brought you together? Your life was empty until he or she came along? Yeah, OK.

I believe we need to redefine the term. A soulmate should be a person who challenges you to be the best version of yourself, encourages you to live your dreams, tells you when you’re wrong, holds you accountable and reminds you who you are when you’ve forgotten. A true soulmate loves you unconditionally and is the person with whom you feel a sense of emotional security. A soulmate should not have to be a romantic partner.” — Lauren Lake, attorney and judge on “Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court”

Soulmates exist, but they don’t necessarily stay in your life forever.

“It is possible to find and marry a soulmate. But it may be that a having a ‘soulmate’ is a temporal thing. Shared values and common interests are what bring a couple together. But people evolve. Needs, wants and desires all change over time. Without nurturing the relationship and communicating, instead of evolving together, couples grow apart and yesteryear’s soulmate becomes a resented stranger.” — Daniel E. Clement, a divorce and family law attorney in New York City

Bad relationships help prepare you for when you eventually connect with a soulmate.

“When dealing with matters of love and the heart, I think it is important to recognize that bad experiences can be used for their silver linings: The good that comes from a failed relationship is in the lessons you learn about yourself — what did you expect from that relationship and what was your role in not sustaining that team effort? Figuring out who you are and what you want from your life and your relationships is never a waste of time.

That said, I would expect it is much harder to find a soulmate on the first try. I would be much less of a developed person had I not experienced divorce myself. Divorce can make you strong and can inspire such growth.

To me, then, a soulmate is really discovering someone who is worth investing in the time and effort that it takes to support a relationship through all the good and the bad. My husband makes love feel easy. I hope everyone can experience that sort of love.” — Morghan Richardson

If you expect your soulmate to “complete you,” then you still have a lot of work to do.

“A soulmate is someone who is ideally suited to be your life partner. What a lovely — and flawed — idea. Certainly, the “Jerry Maguire” idea that someone else completes you is not only false but destructive both to personal development and to relationships. The choosing of a life partner is serious business, and to be successful requires compatibility on many levels. Keeping the connection alive and vibrant doesn’t just happen because of some ethereal connection. Relationships take work and commitment and require flexibility and compassion from both people. Marriages break down when people lose the ability and desire to freely communicate their innermost thoughts and feelings.” ― Katherine Eisold Miller, founder of the Miller Law Group located in New York City and Westchester County

True soulmates are able to grow and change together over time.

“I do believe in soulmates. To me, a soulmate is someone who shares your ideals, values and vision for life. True soulmates grow together and learn to effectively communicate with each other and can manage any conflict between them so it doesn’t ruin the relationship. Soulmates empathize and truly want the best for their partner. It’s kismet!” — Jason B. Levoy, attorney and divorce coach in New Jersey

Some people misuse the term “soulmate” to justify their deceitful behavior in a relationship.

“In my professional life, I’ve only ever seen the term used by people who are having an affair, and it feels to me they are really just trying to rationalize their actions (both to themselves and others) by suggesting that a particular individual is their soulmate. I think they do this because ‘soulmate’ presupposes that they had no choice in the decision to cheat, no agency, and so they are without blame. The reality is that they made a conscious decision to act destructively. Further, most people who cheat rapidly lose the fire for a particular ‘soulmate’ and move on to others.

I do not believe there is only one right person, one soulmate, for everyone out there, and so I do not generally believe in the term. I have seen countless people, in my professional and personal life, who believe that after their divorce there will be no one else (thinking that the universe only provided them one true love) and they are all proven wrong. They all find happiness, even if that means redefining the word. They all find that there are many exciting and worthy people to connect with, that in fact the universe provides countless wonderful choices.” ― Carolyn “CiCi” Van Tine, partner at Burns Levinson in Boston

Related...

10 Signs You've Met Your Soulmate, According To People Who Found Theirs

This Is What It Feels Like When You Connect With A Soulmate

If You Want A Happy Relationship, These Are The Qualities To Look For

Also on HuffPost

1. Keep up the PDA

"I've never seen a photo of my grandparents where they weren't embracing -- whether it was when they were dating, had five kids under age 8, or just before my grandfather died of cancer. I couldn't wait to grow up and have what they had with someone. They were a real life fairy tale." -<em> Cari Watts-Savage</em>
"I've never seen a photo of my grandparents where they weren't embracing -- whether it was when they were dating, had five kids under age 8, or just before my grandfather died of cancer. I couldn't wait to grow up and have what they had with someone. They were a real life fairy tale." - Cari Watts-Savage

2. You don't have to agree on everything

"My grandparents were married for 65 years until my grandma passed away last summer. Opposite religions, opposite politics and they still made it work. I have a lot to live up to!" - <em>Clare Dych</em>
"My grandparents were married for 65 years until my grandma passed away last summer. Opposite religions, opposite politics and they still made it work. I have a lot to live up to!" - Clare Dych

3. Age ain't nothin' but a number

"I asked my grandma why she married my grandpa who she only dated for one year when she was 18 and he was 31. She answered me, 'Why not? He was hot back then!' My grandparents weren't the lovey-dovey type and actually distant, I think, due to the 13-year age gap. But they didn't bail, they're faithful, they kept each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, through thick and thin." - <em>Tze Tonn Ng</em>

4. You can do anything if you do it together

"After 40 years of smoking five packs of cigarettes a day together, they decided to quit with no outside help. And they did. Together." - <em>Michelle Brown</em>
"After 40 years of smoking five packs of cigarettes a day together, they decided to quit with no outside help. And they did. Together." - Michelle Brown

5. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly

"When I got married, my grandmother and grandfather had been married some 68 years. My grandmother gave me her blessings and told me that if I got married, I had to stay married and it was a lifetime commitment." - <em>Leslie Johnson </em>
"When I got married, my grandmother and grandfather had been married some 68 years. My grandmother gave me her blessings and told me that if I got married, I had to stay married and it was a lifetime commitment." - Leslie Johnson

6. Be with someone who makes you laugh

"My grandparents were always teasing each other. We all got such a kick out of it growing up, hanging out in their kitchen and listening to them when we were over there for dinner. But it also showed us how important it is to be with someone that you'll have fun with, no matter what life may throw at you." - <em>Kristen Girone</em>
"My grandparents were always teasing each other. We all got such a kick out of it growing up, hanging out in their kitchen and listening to them when we were over there for dinner. But it also showed us how important it is to be with someone that you'll have fun with, no matter what life may throw at you." - Kristen Girone

7. Never stop flirting with each other

"Pinch butts." - <em>Sarah Hosseini</em>
"Pinch butts." - Sarah Hosseini

8. Your roles may shift in ways you never imagined

"My grandparents very much conformed to regular gender roles my entire childhood, but when my grandmom got sick, it was amazing to see my granddad taking care of her and cooking and cleaning. They really proved to me that true love lasts a lifetime and that marriage can last 'until death do you part.'" - <em>Carrie Burke</em>
"My grandparents very much conformed to regular gender roles my entire childhood, but when my grandmom got sick, it was amazing to see my granddad taking care of her and cooking and cleaning. They really proved to me that true love lasts a lifetime and that marriage can last 'until death do you part.'" - Carrie Burke

9. Always kiss hello and goodbye

"My maternal grandparents always kiss and say 'I love you' before they leave and it's the first thing they do when they come together again -- whether it's a run to the grocery store or a full day's work." - <em>J. Williams</em>
"My maternal grandparents always kiss and say 'I love you' before they leave and it's the first thing they do when they come together again -- whether it's a run to the grocery store or a full day's work." - J. Williams

10. You never know who you'll fall in love with

"I learned that love is unexpected, and anyone can fall in love, even if the relationship is shunned by society. Their love was somewhat reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet in the sense that they were both on different sides of society, but fell in love and had to keep their relationship secret at first." - <em>Carter Garcia-Kimura </em>
"I learned that love is unexpected, and anyone can fall in love, even if the relationship is shunned by society. Their love was somewhat reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet in the sense that they were both on different sides of society, but fell in love and had to keep their relationship secret at first." - Carter Garcia-Kimura

11. Find joy in the little things

"They found joy in sharing the details of daily living. Always smiling, even when doing the weekly budget or grandma peeling a banana for grandpa because she knew he didn't like the feel of it." - <em>Kristen Van Orden</em>
"They found joy in sharing the details of daily living. Always smiling, even when doing the weekly budget or grandma peeling a banana for grandpa because she knew he didn't like the feel of it." - Kristen Van Orden

12. Not every day is going to be a picnic and that's OK

"You don't have to like each other every day." - <em>Nicole Snyder</em>
"You don't have to like each other every day." - Nicole Snyder

13. It takes two people to make a marriage work

"They divorced after three kids and nearly 40 years of marriage, but my grandmother has always told me: A relationship will never work unless [both people] want it to." - <em>Mina Barnett</em>
"They divorced after three kids and nearly 40 years of marriage, but my grandmother has always told me: A relationship will never work unless [both people] want it to." - Mina Barnett

14. Sometimes your first love isn't your forever love

"You might not get things right the first time, but you can't give up because it could be the second time that you find true happiness. My grandparents have been together for 25 years and although my grandpa is not my biological one, he is the best thing to happen to our family and I could not love him more." - <em>Natasha Baker-Streit</em>
"You might not get things right the first time, but you can't give up because it could be the second time that you find true happiness. My grandparents have been together for 25 years and although my grandpa is not my biological one, he is the best thing to happen to our family and I could not love him more." - Natasha Baker-Streit

15. Never stop doing the things you love together

"They share a sense of humor and make it a priority to do things they enjoy together, even though that has become harder for them with age." - <em>Theresa Kelliher</em>
"They share a sense of humor and make it a priority to do things they enjoy together, even though that has become harder for them with age." - Theresa Kelliher

Love HuffPost? Become a founding member of HuffPost Plus today.

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.