Great, Now You Have to Worry About Your Ex 'Cause-playing' You
A few years back, Kathleen Lee, a designer who lives in Truckee, California, was scrolling through her emails when she saw a subject line that took her aback: A guy who had basically ghosted her after months of dating was requesting to connect with her on LinkedIn.
Yes, that LinkedIn, the site where coworkers and business acquaintances add one another and vouch for each other’s leadership and communication skills, not some alternative universe LinkedIn, where f**kboys make one last bid for contact and ask you to vouch for... nothing.
“I got this request several months after he told one of my friends how stupid he felt for messing things up with me,” said Lee, who co-hosts a Kardashian-focused podcast called Say Bible. “I didn’t contact him. Communication is not a skill I can endorse in good conscience.”
There’s a word for what had happened (because isn’t there a word for everything that happens while dating these days?): Lee had been cause-played.
Not to be mistaken for cosplaying, cause-playing involves no costumes, no manga or anime, just your ex thinking it’s socially acceptable to hit you up and ask you to donate to his shitty podcast’s Patreon page.
Named one of the top dating trends to look out for in 2020 by Plenty of Fish, cause-playing is a catch-all term that can be applied to all types of asks: A request to donate to your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook birthday charity fundraiser; an invitation to your ex’s improv show simply because they need people in seats; a request for an endorsement on LinkedIn. (Yikes.)
That might be fine if you have a civil, amicable post-split relationship, but when things have ended on a sour note, it’s awkward as all get out. Lee knows that firsthand.
“Perhaps I have selective memory, but I’d like to think I’ve never cause-played someone myself,” she told HuffPost. “In general good, bad or ghost, I like to stay far away from my exes. Even those I maintained a semi-platonic friendship with, I don’t want to give any mixed signals or feel on the hook by asking favors.”
Clearly, those reservations aren’t shared by others. According to Plenty of Fish, 61% of singles they polled have had someone break up with them and eventually circle back to ask them for a favor.
The job or career request is incredibly common. Alex Ludwig, a student from San Antonio, Texas, has been cause-played multiple times, but one request stands out for how audacious it was.
“My ex and I had been broken up for roughly three months before he texted me asking if my dad, a landscaper, had any jobs available,” she said. “We had actually ended on decent terms, but not to the point where I would feel comfortable having him work for my family.”
The ex won’t be trimming grass with Alex’s dad any time soon. But he did get a courtesy reply from her: “I honestly didn’t bother asking my father and just told my ex that he didn’t and wished him luck,” she said.
Ludwig also took the request in stride because, really, who hasn’t worked the cause-play angle just a little, given how abysmal job-hunting can be?
“I was a promoter for half-a-decade or so, so I’m certain I’ve sent some flyers to be shared with an ex or two,” she said. “But besides that, I’ve never felt the need to ask an ex for any big favors… yet.”
I just noticed that an ex-girlfriend set up a GoFundMe account for her wedding expenses.
Yes, I definitely dodged a bullet there.— Sensedog 🇺🇸 (@Sensedog) April 27, 2015
It could be worse; at least the cause-player is direct and relatively transparent about what they want. Orbiting, another one of the many “dating trends” we’ve heard about in the last few years, is probably more frustrating.
An orbiter is someone you dated casually and/or who ghosted you who continues to look at your Instagram or Snapchat stories, ad infinitum. Why “orbiting”? They’re like some puny creeper planet orbiting around you, the sun who’s living their best life. A cause-player has no such reservations about reaching out: They’re mercenary. Every dollar counts!
Cause-playing isn’t always frowned upon. There are times where people are all too happy to donate to an ex’s fundraiser, especially if the ex isn’t expecting it. Isabella, a single woman we spoke to from Chicago, considers donating to a good cause the ultimate power move in the wake of a breakup.
“My ex, who I had dated for two years, reached out on Facebook to get donations for her flag football team’s cause, which was ALS that year,” she said. “I donated to sort of establish dominance; we hadn’t talked in a while but thought it might be funny if the only thing she heard from me was me donating to her cause.”
adding my ex on linkedin to endorse him for cheating
— lil sewer rat (@jihanyewest) June 13, 2019
Plus, Isabella said, “I was the one sort of demonized in the breakup and wanted to prove that even though I wasn’t set on the relationship, I’m still a good person.”
And sometimes, you just have to admire the cause-player’s hustle.
Out of the blue, Alessandra Conti, a celebrity matchmaker in Los Angeles, heard from a guy she had gone on a few dates with years ago. Things had fizzled out amicably but there had been radio silence since.
A few weeks ago, she got a text from a random number, from someone asking if she could leave a five-star rating on their new podcast about cryptocurrency. Conti did a quick reverse phone number search and realized it was the same guy she had casually dated.
“I didn’t reply because it was a strange, random request, but I admire his hustle,” she said. “Is it in the best taste? No. But it brought awareness to his podcast, and he tried to tap me as a resource in his network, which I really cannot shame him for.”
Like most of the people we spoke to, Conti thinks cause-playing is only really kosher if you’ve left things on a good note.
“If you’re breaking up and want to remain acquaintances for work, you should verbalize that then,” she said. “It makes it a lot more acceptable to cause-play them in the future.”
If the breakup was contentious ― or if you ghosted your ex ― keep your cause to yourself.
“It comes off as being desperate and careless, and truly diminishes the cause that you are trying to promote, even if the cause you’re involved in is wonderful,” Conti said. “You might not be trying to hurt the person you dated ― you’re just attempting to utilize your network ― but wow, are you going about it the wrong way.”
If you’re on the receiving end of an unwanted cause-player, don’t take it personally. Roll your eyes, take it in stride ― hell, donate, if the cause actually speaks to you ― and try to give your ex the benefit of the doubt: They probably weren’t reaching out with any malicious intent ― or with the intent to hook up with you.
“Think of it as receiving a mass email or a reply-all, and don’t take it as an invitation to rekindle,” Conti said.
Causes are fine depending on how things ended, but a LinkedIn endorsement request is patently too much. Don’t send those, Conti said, and if you do end up on your ex’s LinkedIn page (sure, you weren’t stalking, “it just happened”), for the love of God, go on private view mode. (What, you didn’t know people could see when you’re searching them on LinkedIn? Yep. Now go change your privacy settings.)
Love HuffPost? Become a founding member of HuffPost Plus today.
Related Coverage...
If You’re On A Dating App, Chances Are You’ve Been Hatfished
'Orbiting' Is The New Dating Trend That's Even More Frustrating Than Ghosting
Oh Crap, Now We Have To Worry About Being 'Soft Ghosted'
Also on HuffPost
When a 22-year-old talks about how they’re going to be alone forever because dating is hard, I break out in hives.
— BOO-is Frightsman (@LouisPeitzman) September 9, 2019
One time on a first date I yawned and the guy stuck his fingers in my mouth. I was like “wtf” and he said he used to do it to his ex. I didn’t know her but I understood her decision to leave him
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@SJSchauer) November 12, 2018
[on a first date]
do you got any games on your phone— everett byram (@rad_milk) October 17, 2019
Don’t think of it as dating ladies think of it as creating a lifelong audience for your Instagram story
— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) March 24, 2019
Told a boy I fancied him last night and he said ‘let’s just nip that in the bud’ patted my back and walked away
— joy (@theothrjoy) July 27, 2019
After exchanging numbers with a new guy on Hinge, I noticed my phone already had his number saved as a guy from Bumble, and now I feel like a Westworld robot realizing they’ve tried the same escape 100+ times before
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 23, 2019
You ever check your tinder matches from last night and think.. maybe I drank a little too much? 😬
— Nate Hill (@NateHillTV) June 10, 2019
I often think about the tinder date that told me they don't "believe in medicine"
— Charlie Haynes (@charliehtweets) October 31, 2019
When the dating app profile lists his politics as “moderate” pic.twitter.com/8ZN1AzN50d
— Jackson McHenry (@McHenryJD) March 29, 2019
So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.
— Troy (@thunt59) August 15, 2018
Guys on dating apps:
Moms love me 🤷🏻♂️ haha.
Your mom is gonna love me.
I’m gonna love your mom.
Your mom and I are in love.
We’re getting married.— Nick Lehmann (@NickStopTalking) October 3, 2019
I was looking up old Barbies on eBay, and all the Kens look like shitty Tinder dudes who got turned into dolls by a witch. pic.twitter.com/GXOXHtGkrI
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 6, 2019
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) February 12, 2018
what’s the pettiest reason you’ve ever swiped left on someone? once after a few wines and a bad day at work I saw a guy on Hinge whose profile said that even if money was no object he’d still do his current job and i was like FUCK YOU BRO. SWIPING LEFT. FUCK OFF. JOB LOVING FUCK
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) February 10, 2019
A joker-style villain origin story, but it's a girl who goes crazy after dating a standup comedian
— No Dana only Zuul (@DanaSchwartzzz) October 9, 2019
Happy Halloween to the single girl who dressed up as “Ghosted” or “Bread Crumbing” or any other sad dating thing to show they’re totally ok and not hung up on anything that happened with Greg a couple weeks ago.
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) October 31, 2019
A tip for all the young straight guys out there: If you're on a first date and she hasn't heard of your favorite band, the best thing you can do is start from the beginning of their discography and describe every one of their albums in detail, as well as all their influences.
— Jesse Singal (@jessesingal) September 3, 2018
I’m sorry but if you are dating my crush you need to have easily accessible pictures of you online so I can compare myself to you IN A HEALTHY WAY.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 24, 2019
Dating in your 30s seems awful but what’s the alternative? Getting married in your 20s? This is a lose lose situation
— cassandra (@jungIered) December 8, 2018
“Hey. Glad that we matched”
[2 days later]
“Hey, same! how’re u”
[4 days later]
“Good. You?”
[a week later]
“Good too. Been busy. How’re you?”
[8 months later]
“Hey again! It’s me. I’m single again”
pic.twitter.com/GEVco4Gkmv— Draculan 🧛♂️ Cashin (@Tweet_Dec) August 20, 2019
Dating in your 20s: He's mysterious.
Dating in your 30s: He's an alcoholic.— Lauren Vino (@LaurenVino) June 12, 2019
- This girl tweeted "no guy would be interested in me"
I DMed her, I'm interested
She deleted the tweet, and posted "no good looking guy would be interested in me"pic.twitter.com/DB47g59QAX— a²zeez (@sh4hnoor) July 19, 2019
Dating apps are dumb. I miss the good ol’ days when you’d send a horse-drawn carriage for a suitor and by the time they arrived, you'd died of the flu
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) September 14, 2019
HOW AM I SINGLE WHEN DUDES ARE OUT HERE MARRYING NOT EVEN REAL PEOPLE?!?!?
Brb I’m going to jump off a cliff. https://t.co/31NlbamZgu— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) November 18, 2018
Dating in your 20s: wink, wink, bla, bla, smooch, smooch, love.
Dating in your 30s: My love language is acts of service, I'm a saggitarius & I'm too busy to speak to you for the next 6 days.— Kerry Contrary (@Kerry_Contrary) March 20, 2019
When you’re on a first date and go to reference something about him you only know through an Instagram post from last year pic.twitter.com/2HusocHRup
— Sean (@seanbgoneill) April 23, 2019
On a first date, PLEASE find a way to say your own name in conversation several times (I have probably forgotten it)
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) June 17, 2019
A Dating App only for introverts where they talk awkwardly, it's called Mumble!!!
— sumaira shaikh (@sumairashaik) October 31, 2019
Fave dating app = Ouija board
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 30, 2019
Best part of being single is u can stay up late reading about escalator fatalities on Wikipedia with your phone's brightness all the way up
— Greg Sprinkles (@GraceSpelman) June 9, 2017
It is unnecessary for a guy on a dating app to specify that he's only in town for a few days, that is more than enough time for me to ruin your life
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) September 19, 2019
I’ve found it, the worst tinder bio pic.twitter.com/phguX5qE8P
— Abby Tomlinson (@twcuddleston) August 5, 2019
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.