How to Tell When Your 'Tough Boss' Is Really A Toxic Boss

Monica Torres
Updated
Self-proclaimed "tough" bosses like Sen. Amy Klobuchar use it to defend their behavior in the office. But sometimes “tough” is really “toxic and unacceptable,” and it’s important to know the difference. (Photo: sorbetto via Getty Images)
Self-proclaimed "tough" bosses like Sen. Amy Klobuchar use it to defend their behavior in the office. But sometimes “tough” is really “toxic and unacceptable,” and it’s important to know the difference. (Photo: sorbetto via Getty Images)

The “tough boss” is everywhere. In movies, they range from the domineering, impossible-to-please boss who rules by fear like Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada” and Gordon Gekko in “Wall Street” to the demanding-yet-encouraging leader who makes their challenging behavior worth it, like Jaime Escalante in “Stand and Deliver.”

They work among us, too. The latest person to claim the term is Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D), who responded to allegations of staff mistreatment by referring to herself as “tough.” As HuffPost reported last week, some former employees said Klobuchar berated them in emails, tasked them with running personal errands like washing dishes in her home and picking up her dry cleaning, and was “prone to bursts of cruelty” that drove people to resign. Her reputation for mistreating staff led to at least three potential staffers to decline to join her 2020 presidential campaign and, sources said, it also had previously prompted a private rebuke in 2015 from the Senate minority leader. Further allegations or evidence of mistreatment were subsequently reported by BuzzFeed News and Yahoo News, which is part of Verizon Media, HuffPost’s parent company.

Some other current and former staffers and Klobuchar’s campaign spokesperson disputed the allegations. The senator chalked her management style up to “high expectations.”

“Yes, I can be tough, and yes, I can push people” Klobuchar said Sunday. “I have high expectations for myself, I have high expectations for the people that work for me, but I have high expectations for this country.”

Many of us will encounter a tough boss. We asked experts how to understand the difference between a good tough boss and an abusive, bullying one.

What does “tough” even mean?

In offices, toughness is a vague descriptor of strength. How the word is deployed depends on the boss-employee relationship.

At best, it can be a synonym for assertive leadership that holds people accountable. Amy Edmondson, a professor of leadership and management at Harvard Business School, said that “seriousness of purpose and holding people to high standards” are components of toughness in accomplished leaders. When former Klobuchar staffer Tristan Brown used the term “tough boss” to describe Klobuchar, it was used to positively describe her exacting standards.

Toughness is not inherently abusive behavior if the boss makes it clear that the employee is valued and cared about.

“Bosses who are tough yet supportive tend to take their mentoring role seriously. They tend to be conscientious in explaining what needs to be done, how it needs to be done and why,” said Alan Cavaiola, a clinical psychologist and co-author of Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses, and Other Incredibly Critical People.

In this way, toughness can be a badge of honor. Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) once embraced the label: “I can be really tough (mostly on myself), but I believe that we have to always do the best that we can because there are so many people relying on us,” she said about what she’s like as a boss.

At worst, toughness can be a euphemism for abuse, a red flag to describe someone you should not work for.

The double bind “tough” women bosses face

It’s important to remember that toughness is not equally perceived or rewarded, as a rule. Being tough often means strongly saying no, and that trait is not judged evenly. One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the less agreeable men were, the more they earned at work. Disagreeable women were not given that same pay bump.

The tough boss label has been attached to famous leaders like late Apple CEO Steve Jobs, a so-called “tough micro-manager” who was known to throw tantrums to get his way but is still idolized by some managers as an original thinker.

Why do disagreeable or demanding male bosses get more of a pass? Soraya Chemaly, the director of the Women’s Media Center, said that generally speaking, this double standard is because toughness can be coded as masculine. When women act under masculine expectations of toughness, they are not conforming to societal expectations of gender and that can lead to a backlash against their reputation, she said.

“When a man is tough, there is the underlying implicit belief that he is tough and fair and that that’s acceptable. But when a woman is tough, it seems as though there is no option that she is being fair because it’s unreasonable for any women to be tough,” she said.

When women say they are tough at work, it could be a strategic move to align themselves with the men in power, she said.

“When women are forced to operate in male-dominated spaces ― and politics is a male-dominated space ― and when they become aware that gender may be a disadvantage, they often try and distance themselves from their own gender. If you say you are a tough boss, that’s one way for women to try and align themselves with the acceptability of being a boss that makes demands on people,” she said. “I’m a tough boss is a way of saying, ‘Don’t you dare call me a bitch or a mean girl.’”

When toughness is an excuse for bullying

But bullying does not have a gender, and it is important to recognize when any self-proclaimed or otherwise “tough boss” is really just an abusive one. When colleagues do not feel supported by their boss, high standards can feel impossible to reach.

“Toxic tough bosses tend to be perfectionists,” Cavaiola said. “They often use bullying tactics to make sure things go their way because it’s always ‘my way or the highway.’ The use of threats, yelling and screaming at employees is common.”

You cannot meet your boss’ ambitions or address their issues if you are too scared of them. “Psychological safety is the belief that I’m free to speak up. I’m free to share bad news. I’m free to ask for help when I’m in over my head,” said Edmondson, who studies the topic. “If you’re trying to get challenging ambitious work done, you want high standards and psychological safety. You want people to be fearlessly pursuing excellence.”

Tough bosses may believe they have to unduly pressure their employees to get the best performance. But that backfires when employees feel too stressed by this pressure to get any work done. High work stress is linked to bad health outcomes and more turnover. Klobuchar had the highest staff turnover from 2001 to 2016, according to the congressional salary database LegiStorm, although Edmondson said turnover isn’t always a “clean measure”: “Did [the Klobuchar staffers] get an exciting new opportunity, and they were being sought after, or did they leave because they just couldn’t bear it anymore and felt like they weren’t learning anything?”

Catherine Mattice-Zundel, president of the consulting firm Civility Partners, coaches executives on how to ditch their bullying management styles. She said that two reasons bosses bully is that they fear incompetence and “have a complex around it,” and that they lack social and emotional intelligence.

“They live in a world where they have to be seen as uber-competent,” she said.

It can reach a point at which a tough boss creates an environment of fear and anxiety for their employees. Under a tough boss that humiliates you, Cavaiola said, “The work becomes soul-crushing because the person comes away [from the encounter] feeling like they can’t do anything right. They really question their own worth or value within the organization.”

It’s possible to be tough and fair

Toughness is not incompatible with being a good boss. It is possible to demand high standards and to still treat your employees with respect. One study found that when managers were fair to their team members, their teams got more productive. Being a good tough boss means making the process of working for you a collaborative, mutual learning experience that feels fair.

Women bosses who are labeled or who own the label of toughness have it harder. “We clearly expect women to be nicer, to be more considerate, to be more empathetic, to try and cultivate better environments. It’s a ridiculous double standard. That’s not to excuse cruelty, it is just to explain that we have to acknowledge the impacts on women who are simply trying to do their work,” Chemaly said.

Having a tough boss can push you to grow in healthy ways. But if you feel humiliated, if you feel like you cannot speak up, if you are habitually on the other end of aggression and yelling, you do not just have a tough boss. You have a bully. And a bully has no place at work.

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Sen. Amy Klobuchar's Mistreatment Of Staff Scared Off Candidates To Manage Her Presidential Bid

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Downward-Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

If you only do one yoga pose after a long day at work, make it a downward-facing dog, a holistic pose that stretches and strengthens many parts of the body. To come into the pose, move into an inverted "V' shape. With hands outstretched in front and you, lift the hips and ground the feet (at about hips-width apart) into the floor. Ground all the fingers into the floor and point them forward, bring your attention to the breath as you enjoy the stretch for 30-60 seconds. "It helps you lengthen and strengthen muscles in the body," says Vidya Bielkus, certified yoga teacher and co-founder of Health Yoga Life. "It reduces tension in the shoulders, relaxes the neck, and lets a little more blood flow get to the brain. You're also able to really stretch the legs, so if you're sitting all day, the legs are getting inactive." The pose is also great for stretching out the wrists and hands, which may become sore or tired from hours of typing.

Mountain Pose (Tadasana)

Counter a long day of contracting the back with this powerful back and chest-opening posture. Come to a comfortable standing position with feet hips-width apart, bring your hands up over your head with palms facing forward and thumbs hooked as you bend gently backwards and breathe deeply. "This is a powerful pose to free up tight chest muscles," Bielkus says.

Fish Pose (Matsyasana)

Fish pose is an excellent tension reducer, and can also be therapeutic for fatigue and anxiety, <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/786" target="_blank">according to Yoga Journal</a>. To come into the pose, sit up on your hips with legs stretched out together in front of you and toes pointed. Bring your hands under your hips and lean back to prop yourself up on your forearms. Then, lift the chest above the shoulders and drop the head back to the ground behind you. Breathe deeply and rest in the pose for 15-30 seconds. Fish pose "releases tension in the neck, throat, and head, helps stretch the chest muscles and opens up the lungs," Bielkus says.

Standing Forward Fold (Uttanasana)

A forward bend provides a soothing feeling of release -- making the pose <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/19/yoga-for-anxiety-10-poses_n_3281986.html" target="_blank">therapeutic for stress and anxiety</a> -- and with the added arm bind, this standing forward bend variation provides a deep shoulder stretch as well. Stand with your feet at hips-width distance, and slowly bend forward from the hips to come into the forward bend. To take the strain off the lower back, bend the knees slightly. Then, try adding an arm bind to stretch the shoulders: Interlace your hands at the lower back and stretch the arms over your head and hands towards the ground in front of you. For those with tight shoulders, hold a belt between your hands, allowing the shoulders to get a deep but less intense stretch. "By binding the hands, you also allow the arms to stretch and tight shoulders to relax," Bielkus says. "After sitting all day, it's a great idea to turn your world upside down and bring some blood back to the brain while getting a great stretch for the legs."

Cat & Cow Pose (Marjaryasana & Bitilasana)

Cat-cow tilts can be an effective <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/15/yoga-for-headaches_n_3574848.html" target="_blank">headache reliever</a>, in addition to opening up the back and stretching the spine. Start with hands and knees on the floor in a tabletop position with a neutral spine. On the inhale, round the spine and curve up into your cat pose (pictured above). On the exhale, arch the back and lift the chest to come into a cow pose. Repeat three to five times, focusing on the breath. "It also helps bring the neck back into the position over the spine -- people tend to protrude it forward, and this pose brings the vertebrae back to homeostasis," Bielkus says.

Bound Angle Pose (Baddha Konasana)

This pose helps to open the hips and ease sciatica discomfort that can be made worse by sitting for long periods. Sit up tall with the soles of the feet touching and knees spreading open, bringing the feet in toward the pelvis and clasping your hands around your feet. Flap the knees up and down several times like butterfly wings, then sit still and focus the weight of the hips and thighs into the floor, easing pain in the sciatic nerve. "The sciatic nerve starts in the lower back and runs down both leg, and sciatic nerve pain can occur when the nerve is somehow compressed," Bielkus says. "Long commutes and sitting for long periods of time exacerbates it."

Slow Neck Stretches

To counter neck discomfort from staring down at a keyboard or phone, Bielkus recommends a few repetitions of yogic slow neck stretches. Sitting in a cross-legged pose, lean the head to the right and extend the left arm and hand toward the ground until you feel a deep stretch on the left side of the neck. Breathe deeply and hold for a few breath cycles, repeating on the other side. You can also try standing in Mountain Pose and stretching the neck to one side, gently pulling with the same hand. "This can also easily be done standing anywhere, even in a cubicle," she says. "It eases neck tension and strain."

Cobra Pose (Bhujangasana)

"This pose is an accessible back bend for most people," Bielkus says. "It lengthens the spine, opens up the chest and counteracts sitting hunched over all day." Lying on the floor, put your hands on the ground slightly in front of you and tuck the elbows into the chest. Push up into your hands, lifting into a slight backbend and drawing the shoulders down. Turn your gaze upwards, and try not to take any tension into the face or jaw.

Half Pigeon Pose (Eka Pada Rajakapotasana)

The hips can get tight from long hours of sitting. To improve flexibility and range of motion in the hips, and open up the chest and shoulders, try a half pigeon pose. Start on your hands and knees in a tabletop position, sliding the right knee forward and left leg back, as pictured above, trying to bend the front leg at a 90-degree angle. Sit up tall, and on the exhale, hinge the chest forward and bring the arms out in front of you to feel a deep stretch. "A half pigeon is great for opening up the hips," Bielkus says. If you're particularly tight in the hips, try rolling up a blanket under the hips and sitting upright, and then gently hinging forward.

Child's Pose (Balasana)

"Child's pose helps us turn inside and slow our minds down," Virayoga founder Elena Brower recently <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/19/yoga-for-anxiety-10-poses_n_3281986.html#slide=2455747" target="_blank">told The Huffington Post</a>. The foundational resting pose in many yoga classes, the soothing Child's Pose can help put the mind at ease while also gently opening up the back, hips and shoulders, according to Bielkus. Sit down with your legs folded beneath you, toes touching and knees spread apart from each other. Drape your chest down between your thighs, bringing your forehead to the floor and either extending the arms out in front of you or resting them by your sides. Breathe deeply and rest in the pose for as long as desired.

Happy Baby Pose (Ananda Balasana)

"This pose opens the hips and groin and is very calming for the mind and body," Bielkus says. Happy Baby Pose is accessible even for beginners, but still provides an excellent stretch for the hip joints, which can get stiff from too much sitting. Lie down on your back, draw the knees into your chest and grab your feet from the inside, pulling them down so the knees extend on either side of your torso. If the stretch is too intense, grab behind your thighs. Try to bring the hips down to the floor. Breathe deeply and rock gently side to side, returning to stillness at your center for 30 seconds.

Sitali Breathing

This cooling breath is the perfect antidote to a long, stressful day. "It releases tension in body and mind, and helps us relieve stress and anger and brings us to a more balanced and clear state," says Bielkus. To perform this refreshing pranayama exercise, sit in a chair or on the floor in an easy crossed-legged position with your eyes closed. Stick your tongue out and curl up its outer edges. (If you're having trouble tongue curling, try your best and form a slight “O” with the mouth). Inhale through the mouth, letting the air pass over the tongue, feeling a cool breath, and then exhale through your nose. "Continue long rhythmic breathing for three minutes," she says. "You'll feel totally refreshed!"

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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.