Funny Moms Rank The Best And Worst Boozy Ice Pops
Every hardworking person in America deserves a drink. But because time is a precious commodity, it can be tough to whip up something cold, alcoholic and refreshing. But now you don’t have to.
America’s finest booze innovators have begun to sell ice pops filled with wine, spirits and a ton of fruit flavors. It’s a summery, adults-only treat that’s poised for a huge surge in popularity. And who better to give these a test drive than some of the busiest people in America, moms?
We gathered up a roundtable of moms from Denver, Colorado, and its suburbs to taste a slew of alcoholic ice pops. The tasters were was led by Erika Thomas, the Boss Lady (her official title!) and dessert expert behind High Point Creamery, one of Mile High’s finest ice cream shops.
We want to share as much nutritional information about these products with you as possible, so we hunted down almost all of it. But there’s one glitch: alcoholic drinks are not legally required to share it. Some brands freely list their calories and ingredients on their label, while others shared it with us via email. But sugar content was not disclosed on any of the packaging.
Let’s see what these moms thought about some of the best-selling boozy ice pops in the land (all of which are available for purchase online).
#21: Watermelon Lemonade Vodka Martini Skinny Freezer
8% ABV, 100 calories
“Oh god! No!” “Someone dumped stevia in this. It’s terrible.” “Way too sweet.” “I would never want that, ever.”
Ingredients: Vodka with a splash of vermouth, natural flavors, artificial sweetener, FD&C Red #40
#20: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Ice Blue
6% ABV, 90 calories
“Smells pungent.” “Tastes like weird Kool-Aid.” “It tastes like the blue juice in the plastic bottle you’d tear off with your teeth, and there’d be that blue shit in there. You know, from day camp?”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (blue #1)
#19: Lemon Drop Vodka Martini Skinny Freezer
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8% ABV, 100 calories
“It’s all aspartame.” “I have to say, I think that’s what a Lemon Drop shot tastes like.” “You’d drink it at Spring Break and go, how did I get so drunk and get third-degree sunburn? I don’t know!”
Ingredients: Vodka with a splash of vermouth, natural flavors, artificial sweetener, FD&C yellow #5
#18: Buzz Pop Blueberry Mania Sorbet
10% ABV, 69 calories
“It has a berry taste, for sure. It’s refreshing.” “It’s like bad syrup at Waffle House.” “I don’t think this one’s bad.”
Ingredients: Blueberry puree, distilled water, tequila, pomegranate juice and natural stabilizers
#17: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Cherry Lips
6% ABV, 90 calories
“It’s a little Robitussin-y.” “I feel like I just took a spoonful of cough syrup.” “Maybe that’s the secret, they just froze cough syrup.”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (red #40)
#16: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Modern Mango
6% ABV, 90 calories
“Awful.” “It’s not mango, it’s fake.” “It’s refreshing and tropical, I like it.”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (red #40, yellow #5)
#15: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Purple Party
6% ABV, 90 calories
“It tastes like nail polish remover smells.” “It’s like bad cough syrup.” “I actually like it because I love grape … even when it tastes like nail polish remover. It tastes artificial, but it’s good.”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (red #40, blue #1, yellow #5)
#14: FrutaPop Sparkling Mango Mimosa
5% ABV, 60 calories
“Wow. This tastes like vomit.” “I like it!” “It hit me in the back of the throat.” “It tastes like mango.”
Ingredients: Prosecco wine, filtered water, organic cane sugar, mango puree, citric acid, ascorbic acid and vitamin c
#13: Cosmopolitan Vodka Martini Skinny Freezer
8% ABV, 100 calories
“It tastes like spiked Kool-Aid.” “It’s super sweet.” “Way too sweet, but it did have flavors of a Cosmopolitan.”
Ingredients: Vodka with a splash of vermouth, natural flavors, artificial sweetener, FD&C red #40 and cochineal extract
#12: FrutaPop Piña Colada
5% ABV, 100 calories
“It’s horrible and doesn’t taste like pina colada to me.” “The first bite was delicious and perfect, and then there’s a weird pocket in there.” “At first I thought it was great, and then it had a clump that was overpowering.”
Ingredients: Rum, coconut water, natural fruit sugar, pineapple juice, citric acid, guar gum, locust bean gum
#11: FrutaPop Sparkling Lychee Mimosa
5% ABV, 60 calories
“This tastes like an old, watered-down, sad mimosa.” “I don’t think this even tastes like a mimosa.” “Not my favorite.” “I like that it didn’t taste like crazy purple shit.”
Ingredients: Prosecco wine, filtered water, pear juice, lychee puree and vitamin C
#10: FrutaPop Ginger Lime Mule
5% ABV, 50 calories
“I love it!” “Tastes like urine.” “Tastes like fresh ginger in a delicious Moscow Mule. It tastes just like one.” “It has a little burn, but it tastes like it’s from ginger.”
Ingredients: Vodka, ginger, lime, cane sugar and vitamin C
#9: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Grab Apple
6% ABV, 90 calories
“This tastes like a jacked-up Charms Apple Blow Pop.” “It reminds me of childhood … without the alcohol.” “It’s like a Jolly Rancher.” “I think it’s really refreshing, but I was also just sitting in my hot car for so long ... ”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (blue #1, yellow #5)
#8: Appletini Vodka Martini Skinny Freezer
8% ABV, 100 calories
“Definitely tastes like an Appletini.” “It reminds me of college.” “It’s like a green Jolly Rancher.”
Ingredients: Vodka with a splash of vermouth, natural flavors, artificial sweetener, FD&C blue #1, FD&C yellow #5
#7: Claffey’s Frozen Cocktails Pink Lemonade
6% ABV, 90 calories
“It’s too cloying.” “I’m all in with this one because I love citric acid. And that’s all that’s in here.” “This is nice and light and summery, and I’d have a couple of these.”
Ingredients: Water, premium wine, cane sugar, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzonate, guar gum, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (a preservative), colorings (red #40)
#6: Buzz Pop Southern Belle Sorbet
10% ABV, 69 calories
“I like the whiskey and pear flavors.” “It tastes like real whiskey.” “It didn’t feel like I was sucking on something full of sugar.” “I like this one!”
Ingredients: Peach puree, fresh brewed iced tea, distilled water, bourbon whiskey, lemon juice, ginger and natural stabilizers
#5: Buzz Pop Caribbean Breeze Sorbet
15% ABV, 70 calories
“Super refreshing.” “This tastes like the beach.” “It’s dangerous because it goes down easy.”
Ingredients: Pineapple juice, distilled water, orange juice, organic and GMO-free rum and natural stabilizers
#4: FrutaPop Coconut Rosé
5% ABV, 45 calories
“It’s not too sugary.” “Subtle coconut in this.” “I’d take this one to the pool with Juan. My son would come up and say, ‘Mommy, can I have a popsicle?’”
Ingredients: Rosé wine, guava juice, pear juice, guava puree, coconut water, natural fruit sugar, vitamin c, agave nectar and lemon juice
#3: FrutaPop Guava Cosmo
5% ABV, 50 calories
“This actually tastes like guava.” “It’s not overpowering and it has a nice flavor.” “It’s tart, and has a little grapefruit flavor to it. Just a hint.” “Tropical!”
Ingredients: Vodka, guava juice, pear juice, guava puree, cranberry juice, filtered water, sugar, ascorbic acid and vitamin C
#2: Buzz Pop Moscow Mule Sorbet
10% ABV, 60 calories
“It tastes like a Moscow Mule.” “Subtle ginger flavor.” “You can taste the alcohol and the ginger; it’s a good combination.”
Ingredients: Lime puree, distilled water, organic vodka, fresh ginger and natural stabilizers
#1: Buzz Pop Mango Passion-Fruit Sorbet
10% ABV, 60 calories
“Texture-wise, it’s almost like a mango.” “You can tell they use real mango.” “It’s different from the other ones.” “I didn’t taste the passion fruit.” “I want to finish this.”
Ingredients: Mango puree, distilled water, organic rum, passionfruit, lemon puree and natural stabilizers
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
