The 50 Funniest Tweets From Women This Year
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — and succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up the hilarious 280-character musings. To close out 2018, we’ve picked 50 of the funniest tweets from women this past year.
Scroll down to read some truly laugh-out-loud posts from some wonderful women. And sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
The human body is 70% La Croix
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) May 29, 2018
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
— Sara Valentine (@saramvalentine) September 18, 2018
Coffee mugs do a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to personality in the workplace
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 16, 2018
When I say “I’ll let you know”... pic.twitter.com/KLn5n0Zmg1
— new or lean (@KennSunshine) July 7, 2018
A page after the acknowledgements for people that have wronged you.
— Lucie Britsch (@LucieBritsch) September 12, 2018
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with. pic.twitter.com/DWmWEKQFkm
— Simply TC (@BienSur_JeTaime) January 5, 2018
Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don't say anything weird
Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh*
Me, out loud: THAT'S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 22, 2018
I love seeing my friends on vacation. I watch their stories and like their pictures all happy. I also think I’m with them. When they get back I’m like “omg we had so much fun visiting that waterfall near the beach. We gotta go back.”
— Quinta. (@quintabrunson) January 3, 2018
I’m going to introduce the tiny, useless pocket on my jacket sleeve to the tiny, useless pocket on my jeans so they can hook up and make tiny, useless pocket babies.
— Just J (@junejuly12) November 6, 2018
Whenever I save the numbers of my female friends’ male partners in my phone, I use the Handmaid’s Tale model for their last names, so Anthony OfBianca.
— Lesley Nneka Arimah (@larimah) April 14, 2018
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006— Cheish (@TheCheish) June 13, 2018
Jan 1: New Year, new me!
Jan 2: I’m back on my bullshit.— Zeba Blay (@zblay) January 2, 2018
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 19, 2018
Why send sexy pics to dudes for validation when you can update your FB photo and instantly get hundreds of compliments from your middle aged aunts
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 11, 2018
If a woman lends you a hair tie, by law you are officially sisters forever and ever amen
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) March 27, 2018
I’m late to work cuz I followed this dog for 3 blocks in the wrong direction pic.twitter.com/OmgiWyQZqm
— Paris (@sweatingalready) April 30, 2018
Nails are just your finger teeth. Next question.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 17, 2018
everyone please keep me in your thoughts, i’m about to enter the first date montage portion of my rom com
— anna ho ho horges (@annabroges) December 4, 2018
The only thing men bring to the table is the audacity
— aries (@proletariatitty) November 8, 2018
I'm into
⚪️ Men
⚪️ Women
🔘 Researching the menu ahead of time so I know exactly what to order, including side dishes and dessert— ms claws (@alicegoldfuss) July 31, 2018
I wonder who is laughing at me harder when I pack my bag for a vacation: my workout clothes or my book.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) September 3, 2018
Looking at a man's bookshelf or collection of records or list of favourite movies like pic.twitter.com/oPNc6FAOG3
— Sam Montgomery (@sammontgomery) February 26, 2018
there is a startling trend on Instagram of people pretending to still be on vacation when I know for a fact they’ve been back home for days. as your elected official I will work to end this
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 3, 2018
Come on, everyone knows the four major seasons: "rosé all day" season, "pumpkin spice" season, "new year new you" season and "festival" season
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) January 4, 2018
To give a good high five, watch the other person’s elbow. Keep watching it. Binge 5 seasons of it. It’s undoubtedly overrated.
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) March 19, 2018
Nothing in life is as shocking as discovering that one of your male friends has decided he is now a Bracelet Guy
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 23, 2018
The girl Flo Rida sings about in Low was wearing apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, baggy sweatpants, AND reeboks with the straps all at the same time so we must conclude that she was, in fact, a centaur. In this essay I will
— Splenda Pappy (@caroline_oreo) March 26, 2018
copywriting question when it comes to typing "Meryl Streep" do we do italics, question marks, or a conspicuous font change so everyone reads it in a special voice?
— alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) February 1, 2018
yes the rumors are true i care about ariana grande more than any person in my life
— kate (@kaiteasley) November 4, 2018
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her pic.twitter.com/OZJ1yb9WRI
— Chloe 'Merry Chlingles' Adams (@addamschloe) November 10, 2018
I’m just saying when the live action Mulan comes out I will not be able to contain myself I’m gonna cut my hair with a sword in the theater
— EM! (@uhhmmily) February 24, 2018
Me: Hold on, I'll get my wallet. I tell ya, at my age, you don't know how nice it is to get carded.
Doorman: Yeah, like I said, mam, this is a Costco, and we're just checking to make sure you're not stealing that five hundred count case of mini quiche.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 17, 2018
I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT A COOLATTA IS, SHE SCREAMS AT THE GLASS SEPARATING HER AND THE DUNKIN' DONUTS EMPLOYEES IN HER FOURTH HOUR AT THE AIRPORT
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 27, 2018
Help. What are the best wireless earbuds on the market right now? For when I call Domino’s but want to look like a smart business woman.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) October 13, 2018
PowerPuff Girls ain’t even got fingers bruh. Hands forever balled up in fists. They had no choice but to be bout that action
— mhm (@HoeStopTwatchin) November 12, 2018
every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper "are you mining bitcoin you little shit"
— Eleanor Robertson (@marrowing) June 12, 2018
My daughter is singing an original song called "When My Mom Grows Up" and I've honestly never felt so understood by a 3 year old.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) July 27, 2018
I really only go on Facebook for work and to see the latest pyramid scheme someone I went to high school with is now deeply invested in
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) April 11, 2018
Me finding my friends in the club after wandering off for two hours pic.twitter.com/Oi6EmRlltz
— sophie (@sophxthompson) October 3, 2018
Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 22, 2018
You know what else is a liar? Ramen noodles. One brick is two servings?
I think the fuck not.— Imani Gandy Cane 🎅🏿🎄🕯 (@AngryBlackLady) April 30, 2018
[operator]: 9-1-1 what's your emergency
[me, breathless]: HI I DON T WANT TO SOUND ALARMED BUT I JUST SAW TWO MEN WEARING SHORTS IN 25 DEGREE WEATHER HOW DO I PROCEED? CITIZEN'S ARREST?— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) February 2, 2018
me on tinder pic.twitter.com/8rQy3tsm74
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) March 15, 2018
Man next to me on the subway fell asleep and his head dropped onto my shoulder for a sec and anyway I have a husband now
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 2, 2018
"Why Can't It Be Bedtime Yet" and other tales from middle age
— Susan Money (@susanemoney) September 30, 2018
not to brag but this bird just proposed to me pic.twitter.com/ou2sqVbeBD
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 11, 2018
omg I just heard a mother say “let’s play the silent game” and her two kids fell for it what a boss
— Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew) August 6, 2018
the REAL March madness pic.twitter.com/StmPvgvUgQ
— Blair Thornburgh (@ATallOrder) March 12, 2018
If multiple women sit separately in a food court, each quietly eating a salad, do not interrupt us. We are silently communicating through salads, like whale song.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 13, 2018
Titles I‘d fully believe were British TV shows:
Beamish and Quigley
The Quite Corking Quiz Show
Shan’t We Tell the Vicar?
A Bee’s As Good As A Bonnet
Up Your Arse, Alistair!
That Isn’t How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isn’t How We Do It At All
Just Joanna Lumley— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 9, 2018
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
