29 Truly Relatable Marriage Tweets That Will Crack You Up

I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2018

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2018

Boss: I see your wife visited the office again.

Me (picking up throw pillows): Yep

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) August 16, 2018

After years of secrecy and arising suspicion, my husband finally caught me in the act of shaving my toes.

— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 20, 2018

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 11, 2018

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018

My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I’m Jesus or something.

— Dan (@dadopotamus) August 26, 2018

Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 30, 2018

If you don’t start a fight with your husband because he’s underreacting to something that you’re overreacting to, then you’re not wife-ing it like me.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 17, 2018

Me: hey babe, can you get me th-

Husband: I can’t find it

— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽‍♀️ (@nottheworstmom) August 8, 2018

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 11, 2018

There needs to be a flame font for when I’m rage-texting my husband.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 23, 2018

my wife just dropped ‘your father’ in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks

— Gle[nn]ish (@Glennot73) June 29, 2018

I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.

— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@sdurbin23) May 23, 2018

I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 19, 2018

Wife: You did not buy a motorcycle!

Me: *standing next to motorcycle* but look *points to saddle bag*

Wife: OMG IT HAS POCKETS! HOW CUTE!

— obi (@ThaJawn) August 9, 2018

The best marriages are never separated more than six degrees on the thermostat setting.

— DevilryFun (@DevilryFun) July 28, 2018

FaceTime with my husband and I asked to talk to the dog.

— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) July 26, 2018

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 21, 2018

My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018

My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis. We may never have to speak again.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 14, 2018

I bought a heavy duty night guard bc I grind my teeth. My husband likes feeling like he’s sleeping w Wayne Gretzky.

— Suds o’Bitches (@SudsBitches) August 18, 2018

If my wife wants to argue, we’re going to argue - doesn’t matter if I’ve already agreed with her - we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2018

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) June 29, 2018

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 22, 2018

Person: what does your husband do for a living?

Me: he's the President of Putting Up With My Shit.

— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽‍♀️ (@nottheworstmom) July 31, 2018

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2018

Me: *trying to be romantic* I bought wine.

Wife: What kind?

Me: I don't remember.

Wife: What does the bottle look like?

Me: A cardboard box.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2018

Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together. Meanwhile it's a good day when my wife and I are still speaking to each other after going grocery shopping together.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 20, 2018

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018

“Where does this go?”

- my husband cleaning

— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018

Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.

We’re 7 mins in.

— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018

90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018

If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018

Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.

— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018

*Looking for something around the house.

Me: Have you seen it?

Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.

Me: Ah, thank you.

*Still has no idea where it is.

— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018

If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018

I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.

— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018

Love is letting her charge her phone first.

Marriage is buying a second charger.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018

What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?

— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018

Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018

Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.

— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018

The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.

— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018

My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018

I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."

— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018

I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017

90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018

“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.

— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018

Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable

*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018

Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.

Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!

— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018

WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that

ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*

— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.

— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.

— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018

There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018

Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.

— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”

— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018