27 Priceless Tweets That Find The Humor In Married Life
Once you’ve been married to the same person for a while, certain patterns of behavior start to emerge and then repeat themselves over and over again.
Case in point? You can’t go a week without arguing about the number on the thermostat, getting annoyed because your spouse sneezed too loudly or comforting your partner in the midst of their hangry tirade.
Below, we’ve gathered 27 hilariously relatable tweets that married people will identify with:
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
If you’re one of the eight people in this world that my wife hasn’t told yet, she’s been on the Keto diet for 18 minutes and it’s absolutely amazing.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 20, 2019
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 8, 2019
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) March 12, 2019
My wife has 2 moods.
Normal human being.
Everything is burning down and I’m hungry.— Dan (@dadopotamus) March 10, 2019
Me: *achoo*
Wife: I despise you— Bacon Popsicle (@Gupton68) March 17, 2019
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma'am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) January 3, 2019
My wife messaged me from the shopping mall to ask if I think that she looks fat. I was typing "Noooo" and autocorrect changed it to "Moooo".
So long story short, I can I come over and stay at your place for awhile?— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) March 9, 2019
wife: Are you ready to go?
me [showing the dog how to use the remote] Almost— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 19, 2019
Wife sent me out to buy some B batteries.
After 3 hours and 14 stores, I’m beginning to suspect she may have just wanted me to get the fuck out of the house.— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) March 16, 2019
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 8, 2019
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) January 8, 2018
Me: What's for dinner?
Wife: I made brown rice with broccoli and-
Me: [already at McDonald's]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 18, 2019
[marriage 101]
ME: we should do this
WIFE: we should definitely not do that
ME: perfect— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) March 9, 2019
How much do I love my wife?
Two full seasons of Riverdale. That’s how much.— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) August 21, 2018
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 3, 2019
The other day my husband asked "where's that thing we got from Target" and I was like "Ummmmmm you're gonna need to be more specific..."
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 17, 2019
A spray bottle, but for when your husband whistles.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 17, 2019
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 12, 2019
My wife just read an article on parasites at the playground and long story short we’re hermits now.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 20, 2019
Me: [showering by rubbing an ice cube all over myself] I’m doing my bit to save water.
My wife: Please do that in the bathroom not the kitchen.— Phil (@geowizzacist) March 5, 2019
When you're married, one fight you'll continuously have is how someone doesn't clean off the kitchen scissors before putting them back in the drawer
— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) March 7, 2019
My husband got excited because I bent over and apparently my leggings are worn-in and see through now and welcome to foreplay as a parent.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 22, 2019
Marriage has many textures.
Grainy, smooth, bumpy, rough, soft, fluffy, hard, slick, slippery, squishy...
Especially squishy.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 8, 2019
The Cold War, but it’s just me and my wife setting the thermostat when the other isn’t looking.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 4, 2019
I’ve got jeans on today that make my wife ask me to load the dishwasher but like in a sexy voice.
— Butch Raptor 🦖 (@IamDadSerious) March 14, 2019
My wife isn't always right but she can always make it sound like she's right.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) March 4, 2019
Related Coverage
What It's Like To Date A Hangry Person, In Comic Form
31 Tweets About Married Life That Are Ridiculously Relatable
22 Spot-On Tweets About Grocery Shopping As A Married Person
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
