19 Tweets That Will Make Married People Say 'Yep, Exactly'

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 16, 2017

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
"Aww for ur wife?"
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) March 7, 2015

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

"Pick that up."

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 2, 2017

*pours wife a glass of wine*

- me, helping her make dinner

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 9, 2017

Every marriage goes from “I'd love to know what you're thinking” to “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking.” Don’t worry, that’s normal.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) August 13, 2017

Me: I had a dream that we got in a big fight.

Wife: Who won?

Me: Me.

Wife: Yup. Definitely a dream.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2017

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 15, 2017

You know it's love when your husband checks the conditions of the port-a-pots for you before you go in.

— 🐾Suds o' Bitches🐾 (@SudsBitches) August 2, 2017

I miss the days when my wife didn't even know what a farmhouse sink was.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 11, 2017

I asked my husband to put fresh towels in the guest bathroom, and he hung them tag side out, a suburban horror story.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 6, 2017

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it's a dead body.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 22, 2017

me: Ow
wife
me: Ow
wife
me: Ow
wife: The waitress said the plate was hot why the hell do you keep touching it?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 29, 2017

Stop laughing at your phone. It's Annoying.

-marriage

— Jennifer Farrar (@jennfarrar7) August 6, 2017

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) August 5, 2017

A fun thing to do at Home Depot is ride the flatbed like a scooter to get my husband back for acting up when we're at TJMaxx.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 28, 2017

Wife: *tells me to do the thing*

Me: You don’t have to keep reminding me. I’m not a child.

*forgets to do the thing*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017

Some couples sext when they're apart. I just sent my husband a picture of a weird looking mole on my boob.

— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) August 15, 2017

87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016

My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) May 18, 2016

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015

Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.

Me: No need. I'll remember.

[an hour later]

Wife: What did you buy?

Me: A panda.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016

"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"

- Marriage

— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016

It was while watching husband eat 9 hard-boiled eggs in one sitting that I realized I'd achieved my childhood dream of marrying Gaston.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 15, 2016

Marriage is basically shouting the word DOG at each other whilst out when you see a dog and acknowledging that it is indeed, a good dog.

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) April 10, 2016

me: HONEY COME DOWN to THE BASEMENT!
wife: are u dressed as Pickachu again?
me: NO NO, ITS AN EMERGENCY
wife: ok
me: pic.twitter.com/iFzsSOMQuZ

— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) May 13, 2016

[in bed]

Me: I like the sound of that. What are you doing under those covers?

Wife: Stirring mac and cheese.

Me: oh hell yeah

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) April 14, 2016

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016

Most of your time being married is spent saying, "I never heard you say that."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 11, 2016

You: *opens mouth to say something

Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."

-marriage

— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016

[watching a video of melted cheese being poured on food]
Husband: Whatcha doing?
Me: PORN

— Jenn (@heyevergreen) April 17, 2016

My wife & I are pretty sure if we make coffee, we can stay awake to watch a movie after 9 PM. So yeah, I'd say we keep it lit.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 16, 2016

Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016

That moment when you turn a corner and scare the hell out of each other and then you both get mad like it was on purpose.

- Marriage

— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 6, 2016

🎶 You take the good, you take the bad, you took the leftovers, now I'm mad. 🎶

-The Facts of Wife

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 3, 2015