Your Necessary Guide to Surviving a Shark Attack
Of the 400 known species of sharks lurking around in the ocean, only about a dozen—say, the Jawsian great white with its gnashy rows of teeth—actually pose a threat to humans. We’re a much bigger threat to them than they are to us. Still, it’s summertime in the continental United States, which means people are playing in the water, which means shark attacks are a few percentage points up across the board, because math. You’re 99.99999% safe. But just in case, here’s a handy guide should you encounter an unchill shark.
What do I do if I see a shark in the water?
Are you sure it’s a shark?
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I think so. It’s big and torpedo-like and has fins.
Are you sure it isn’t a dolphin?
Never mind! It’s a dolphin, ha ha. My bad.
You’re good! Although it’s something of a myth that dolphins will protect you from a shark attack (they won’t), the shiny, slippery mammals certainly know how to have a good time. While dolphins do fight sharks sometimes, it’s unwise to expect a saintly Flipper to save your ass in the event of a shark attack. You’re on your own.
I think I see a shark now and… YEP. THAT’S DEFINITELY A SHARK. What should I do?
Stay chill. :) Everything is gonna be okay.
First: Make a beeline for the sand as quickly as you can. Don’t panic. The key is to stay calm, says Perry Hampton, a marine biologist and shark expert at the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, CA. Flailing around like a hurt seal is probably not a good look.
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Well, a shark just grabbed me. Ouch. What do I do?
Here’s some good news: If a shark bites you it’s most likely by accident. You were probably mistaken for a fish or something. The fact of the matter is most sharks have terrible vision: A 2011 Australian study found that an usually high percentage of shark species are colorblind.
“Humans are not natural prey items for sharks and in most cases attacks result in only a single bite, probably as a result of the shark mistaking a person for a food item,” Perry explains. “In the vast majority of these situations, sharks move away from humans without our ever knowing that they are around.”
Okay, I mean that’s cool, but this shark is not letting go. How do I fight it off?
Byyyyyyye.
So there’s nothing I can do?
Real talk, friend: You will probably lose a fight against a shark in the water. I didn’t make up this rule. This is just a cold, hard fact and the universe is cruel and indifferent.
Now, if the shark has you and isn’t letting go, there are stories of shark-attack survivors who were able to make the predators go away by tearing at the gills or eyeballs. In 2002 for example, a 17-year-old Hawaiian kid was surfing during a rainstorm when what was likely a tiger shark dragged him underwater. “It was just tossing me all over the place,” he told the Telegraph. “I remember hearing my leg break. I heard the bones snap. I just grabbed the shark’s eye and ripped it out and then it let me go.”
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Then he swam to shore like it was NBD, where a nurse wrapped his leg in a towel and applied pressure to stop the bleeding. A word to the wise: If you see a one-eyed shark in the water off the coast of Hawaii he’s probably a bad egg.
I heard that putting zebra stripes on your rash guard or wet suit might ward off sharks because it makes you look like a poisonous fish. Is there any merit to this?
Unfortunately there’s no clinical evidence to suggest such stripe-y shark deterrents work. Sorry dudebros.
However! Another study from Western Australia found that an electronic device called the Shark Shield might actually keep sharks out of human-chomping range. In a recent experiment, researchers successfully kept hungry sharks from approaching a baited test rig 90% of the time by scrambling the predator’s electroreceptive systems.
The bad news is that the Shark Shield is expensive. (Think $500-$600.) It’s an investment. But if you have cash to blow and spend a lot of leisure time in the ocean riding on the backs of giant turtles or paddleboarding or whatever, it seems to work pretty well!
Are sharks evil?
No way, my friend. Sharks are beautiful lovely creatures and they deserve our respect and fiercest conservation efforts. Even if they sometimes mistake us for snacks.
By Chris Gayomali
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