Who Needs Labels? In Defense of DTR (or Defining the Relationship)

Labels are NOT outdated in my book — and experts agree. (Photo Illustration: Erik Mace for Yahoo Health)

I’m the sort of person who likes black-and-white explanations, clear-cut expectations, and explicit boundary lines. If I have a question, I ask it. If I have a concern, I voice it. And if I don’t know where I stand with someone, I figure it out — especially in dating.

In other words, I’m someone who’s always considered herself invincible to the — cue horror music — undefined relationship.

… Until this year, when a lack of DTR (that’s “define the relationship,” for those unfamiliar with the jargon) left me totally confused. I’d just broken things off with a guy I was seeing for two-and-a-half months. In my mind, it was pretty clear that things had only been casual — never official. But toward the end of our “relationship,” as things were slowly fizzling out, he shot me texts about making it work. Shocking texts.

He used words like “girlfriend” and “relationship” and “couple.” Words we’d never used while we were “together.”

This quietly stunned me. We were friends first, so we definitely had a connection, but we could also barely make it a week without falling apart in some way. We were never completely in sync — and certainly never in sync enough to be official.

Ultimately, we weren’t right for each other. But realizing how not-on-the-same-page we were about our relationship surprised me. It was strange to be standing on the side of supposed lesser commitment without realizing it. This led me to do some soul-searching: Where did the miscommunication begin? Is it enough to just have a “connection” with someone, without needing to define it? And as relationship boundary lines become increasingly blurred, who are the real casualties?

“Defining the relationship.” “The Talk.” The moment you decide to be in a Relationship, with a capital R. We’ve been taught that relationships are all about that indefinable chemistry and connection. In an ideal world, you should just “know” when you’re with The One, right?

Sure, for some people, chemistry leads to coupledom, no questions asked. But for others, these “connections” become confusing when they remain undefined. After all, even ambiguous relationships are rooted in deep connection. And there’s evidence that men and women view “undefined” relationships differently, says modern-dating expert Susan Walsh, founder of the popular relationship blog Hooking Up Smart.

Today, we have this thing called, “friends with benefits” (a.k.a. “FWB”). And according to research, young women and men do not experience FWB situations in the same way. In a survey of 170 undergrads at a large southeastern university, when asked if their unlabeled FWB was an emotional relationship, 63 percent of women said yes, compared with just 38 percent of men. When asked if the pair was more friends than lovers, 84 percent of women said yes, versus just 15 percent of men.

So what does this mean? Women may place higher value on the emotional connection. “Women are socialized to view, enter, maintain and define relationships in terms of their emotional value,” the study authors conclude. “Specifically, they regard a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship as emotional with the emphasis on friends, while men tend to view the relationship as more casual with an emphasis on benefits (sexual).”

It’s obvious there’s a disconnect, which is why there’s still power in making things official — even in today’s “anything goes,” “keep it cool” dating world, says Art Markman, PhD, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

“Labels create an essence for the thing that is labeled,” he tells me. “Hanging out with a person, and even having sex with them, is an activity. But once you are in a relationship, then there is something there beyond the activities that you engage in together. That essence feels more stable and permanent than a relationship without the label.”

If you’re ever unsure about your status and want a relationship that feels firm and stable, defining what’s going on makes a difference.

So why have so many of us abandoned the practice?

“There has been an increasing trend over the past 50 years to separate two things that were critical for defining relationships in the past: economics and children,” says Markman. “When men were the primary wage-earners, relationships influenced women’s economic survival. As more women entered the workforce and as wages began to equal out between the sexes, the need to formalize relationships became less necessary.”

Add birth control into the mix, and suddenly relationships became almost totally about companionship instead of an unbreakable commitment or means of survival, says Boston-based dating coach Neely Steinberg.

“The good is that women and men are free to explore life on their own —careers, sex, and so on,” Steinberg tells me. “The bad is that a clear structure as to how relationships should unfold or play out are more ambiguous and confusing now than ever before.”

Reasons to stay ambiguous about a relationship are obvious on both sides. For the less-invested party, there’s the ability to continue playing the field: I can keep seeing this person, and keep my options open (you know, just in case). For the more-invested party, there’s a layer of fear: If I speak up and try to lock this person down, will I lose him/her?

From Walsh’s experience, young women seem more likely to want to DTR than men. “There are exceptions, of course, but 90 percent of my emails from people wanting to DTR are female, and 90 percent of my emails from people wanting to get sexual first are male,” she says.

Related: The Number One Relationship Problem, According To Therapists — and How to Fix It

That’s why it’s important to talk things out — without clear communication, “the person feeling attached can maintain a sense that the relationship is progressing without any evidence that the other person feels differently,” Markman says.

But let’s be real: Having that conversation is scary. It’s one of those things we don’t want to do, but know we probably should for our own sake. That was certainly true for 24-year-old Jessica Airey, a public relations professional working in San Francisco. With regard to a recent undefined relationship, she wishes she would have just spoken up and saved herself the anxiety.

“Personally, I’ve been in ambiguous and defined relationships and I absolutely prefer the latter,” she tells me. “I once wasted so much time worrying and wondering whether or not I was actually ‘dating’ one guy. All that stress could have been avoided if we had a simple conversation about where our feelings for each other stood.”

Walsh says the person who is more invested and wants commitment should be up front about it early on. She hears of undefined relationships carrying on for months with both parties on different pages “all the time” — until one person hooks up with someone else and all hell breaks loose.

“One party will point out that commitment was never explicit or discussed, but the other party will often have ‘evidence’ of their own — you said ‘I love you’ one time, you invited me home to meet your parents, or so on,” she says. “Sometimes [a relationship] was the original intent, but then a new crush or intrigue develops, [and] it’s easy to move on without guilt when the relationship was never official.”

If you haven’t already, you will eventually meet a person who does not care about labels. This person will likely argue that words mean nothing, and labels don’t make what a couple has any more or less real.

I’ve met this person. At the idea of labels, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said he was “agnostic,” but generally did not see the point. He rarely used them, and never did unless the person he was interested in brought up the need for boyfriend/girlfriend status. (His “relationships” also didn’t seem to last very long. Hmm.)

Related: Should We All Be In ‘Monogamish’ Relationships?

But does calling your honey “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” really make your relationship stronger? It just might, Markman says. Establishing an obvious and defined relationship represents a deeper level of commitment — that you are calculating another person into the equation that is your life.

No label, and you’re probably not a priority. No commitment, and there’s no need for real, genuine time together. Excuses like, “My friend is in town,” “Work is so crazy right now,” “I’ve got a lot on my plate,” or “I’m traveling this summer” are all considered fair excuses when you’ve got something better to do than hang out with your fling.

Defining your status shows everybody that you are all in. People start calculating a plus-one into their plans with you, for instance. And here’s an effect you may not have thought of: Even you begin to view other people differently, because you’re no longer looking for potential in everyone you meet.  

“Many people want companionship and are interested in having regular opportunities for sex,” Markman says. “If you are in a relationship, then you do not need to be thinking about each new potential person you meet as someone who might fulfill those roles for you.”

But when you’re in a kinda-relationship and want more, this mental dichotomy gets all messed up. You likely walk through life knowing you should look at other options, but feel too emotionally invested in the Unavailable Party to do so.

It also messes with the way you perceive your own identity. “Being in a relationship becomes part of the self-concept of the people within that relationship,” Markman says. “Their role in that relationship becomes part of what defines them. One reason why losing a relationship is psychologically painful is that it requires changing your self-concept.”

Changing that self-concept is another reason some keep it casual — at least for a while. Cara Lynch, a 23-year-old IT consultant from Michigan, was in the middle of college transitions when she met her now-boyfriend. The two of them had both separately confessed to their parents just two weeks after meeting that they’d found the real deal. But they also both privately freaked out about putting a label on the relationship: They were unsure if the other felt the same way, or if labeling things would add too much stress to the situation.

Related: 4 Ways To Better Your Relationship (According to Science)

Cara was afraid of shifting her priorities too soon, investing in an “us” while she was still working on “me,” and potentially losing something great before it ever got off the ground. 

“I was planning on going to Europe, and we were both afraid that three to four months of long distance would be too much,” she explains. “It seemed scary, in a sense. Keeping it casual seemed like the thing to do, and we did it for several months even though it was clear to both of us after two weeks that we had met The One.”

Finally, three months into their “relationship,” they DTRed.

So, let’s say you’ve been dating a few months. You’re pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone else, and neither are you. Must you DTR, I ask Steinberg?

“‘Pretty sure’?” she throws back. “How would you really know?” If it’s something you’re stressing over, then it’s something you probably need to do, she says, “because at the end of the day, if you haven’t talked about where you are as a couple, you can’t make that assumption.”

She makes a good point. Everyone has a different idea of what a relationship should entail — but the only definitions that need to match are yours and your (presumed) other half’s. But at some point, you will need to figure out what you mean to each other.

So, how long do you wait to DTR? There are no rules, according to dating expert Evan Marc Katz. Some people are insta-relationship types, while others wait a while. But if you have a very clear idea of what you want, make sure you give the other person ample time — even a few weeks — to figure out how he or she feels about committing.

Katz insists that when you meet the right person, DTR will very likely be one of the easiest things you ever do. (Even if you do still experience a nugget of anxiety.) And don’t “overcomplicate things,” advises Katz. When he locked it down with his now-wife, it was a simple “I think you’re my girlfriend” over Chinese food on his couch one night. Defined: yes. Difficult: no.

Here’s what to do: If you see things you don’t like about the person, nix him/her. If you see things you do like, keep the person around. And if it’s been, say, a couple months and you’re not sure where things stand, Katz says to simply say, “While I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, I’m looking for a relationship. Best of luck.”

If the other party also wants a relationship, he/she will make that clear. If not, wave goodbye. Don’t get involved in a drawn-out are-we-or-aren’t-we.

But, like Katz says, you really, truly can set your boundaries and walk. If you’re just not that into the state of your situation, don’t be discouraged. There are people out there looking for commitment … so, go find that stable relationship you’ve always wanted, complete with a DTR moment so easy it’ll knock your socks off.

Read This Next: 5 Things That Happen When You’re In A Healthy Relationship

Let’s keep in touch! Follow Yahoo Health on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Have a personal health story to share? We want to hear it. Tell us at YHTrueStories@yahoo.com.