What to Do — and Not to Do — If You Suspect a Loved One Is Struggling With Addiction

As with any chronic illness, there’s no quick fix for addiction. (Photo: Nadeen Nakib for Yahoo Health/Getty Images)

By Dennis R. Bates, for U.S. News

With the evidenced growth of substance use disorders, we are fielding an increased number of inquiries from families concerned that one of their family members might be abusing alcohol and other drugs, also known as AOD. When these calls are fielded, the family member calling is usually in, or on the verge of, panic and seeking “immediate” results. While this certainly could be a representation of the families’ misunderstanding of the disease concept of addiction, it could also be an indicator of the societal response to this current epidemic. Additionally, while there could be a somewhat similar response from the family of a patient with the diagnosis of another life-threatening disease, the reaction to this disease is different. What we continually hear, as opposed to reactions to other diseases diagnosis’ are: “It’s a choice…,” “They did this to themselves” or the standard “Why don’t they just stop?” Hoo-Boy! Those are the beliefs from the 1930s that assumed that this is a moral issue, thus the person must be morally flawed. Can one imagine a family’s response like this to any other disease?

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If one “suspects” that a family member or friend is struggling with AOD use, I suggest taking a different approach than, say, panic. There’s a significant difference between action and reaction, and activity doesn’t always indicate accomplishment. It can certainly create chaos, though. And if there truly is an issue with your family member, that could be their excuse to use again.

That being said, here are a few tips that might help if one suspects there could be an issue:

1. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Before you jump to any conclusion, make a character judgement, call an ambulance or assume the worst, take a deep breath. I say this, as I believe I could probably walk on to any college campus today, and 60 percent of the student body would probably meet criteria for alcohol use disorders. Does this mean they’re all doomed to the thralls of addiction? Of course not, though they’re off to a good start. However, most of these students don’t crave alcohol or drugs, haven’t lost complete control when under the influence and don’t continue to use if they suffer adverse consequences from their use.

There are certain questions the concerned family member might want to ask him or herself prior to reacting. For example:

a) Are you seeing a specific change in behaviors? Is your family member suddenly nodding off during the day or missing work? Have you noticed that he or she is pulling away from family functions, or just avoidant? These could be viable indicators that there’s an issue.

b) Are they setting limits on themselves when they go out? Sounds irrelevant – but it’s not. By definition, a social drinker rarely, if ever, drinks above a .05 blood alcohol content (which is about two drinks in one hour for a 160-pound man). If your family member is setting limits, what is he or she saying? Are they saying they’re being responsible, or do they know that after a certain amount, trouble is waiting? Most folks don’t need to set limits or make an issue of them.

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c) Have they already experienced negative consequences and are still using AOD? This is another key indicator. If your family member has encountered negative consequences from behaviors when under the influence of AOD, and he or she continues to use, that could also be a viable indicator.

2. Voice your concern. But don’t yell! Again, it’s action and not reaction that’s key here. It’s OK to ask a loved one if he or she is struggling – if it’s asked in a solution-focused and supportive manner. We’ve seen too many clients that have been “shamed” by concerned family members for experiencing symptoms of this disease. Comments like “how could you do this to us?” “you’re just too weak” and the most common one, “you’re in denial!” are all too common. These responses, albeit from a good intention, are fear-based and could have the opposite effect from its intent. Again, could you imagine saying this to a family member who had any other disease? (And as for the “denial” statement … if the presenting issues are the family members’ first exposure to this illness, and they’ve never been exposed to treatment for this issue, how could they be in denial? It’s difficult to be in denial about an issue you’ve never been educated about.)

3. Seek professional counsel (Or: If you’re having a plumbing problem, don’t call the electrician). And this is not only for your family member, but for you, too. There are a growing number of qualified addiction professionals in the field that are trained to specifically address such issues. By consulting these professionals, a qualified assessment and recommendation can be made to the most appropriate level of care needed by your loved one. By seeking help yourself, from a trained professional, you’re helping insure the best possible results for your family member.

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As with any chronic illness, there is no quick fix. However, with a solution-focused approach, and with the guidance of a licensed professional, there is a definitive possibility to move from hope to healing.

Dennis R. Bates, CADC, LADC-I, is Clinical Director of Serenity at Summit New England. Dennis is a Master Level Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor with almost two decades of experience in the field. He has practical clinical, supervisory, and administrative experience throughout the substance abuse continuum of care. In recognition of his talent as a clinician, he won an “Excellence in Outcomes” Award issued by the Association of Behavioral Healthcare, and was nationally recognized by Niatx for “Innovations in Treatment Dennis is has been a sitting member on the Massachusetts Bureau of Substance Abuse Counselors Certification’s Board of Directors for the last 10 years. Dennis’ professional philosophy is based on Solution Focused and Motivational Interviewing therapies. In his spare time Dennis regales in his family, plays the guitar, swims and golfs.