Some Christian Gay Couples Are Saving Sex for Marriage

You better put a ring on it. (Getty Images)

Now that gay and lesbian couples have the legal right to marry in the U.S., some same-sex couples are waiting for the wedding night before they have sex, which is very rare for the majority of Americans.

A recent article in The Atlantic reported how hard it is for gay people with deep religious beliefs and affiliations to remain virgins until they marry. It was a topic that didn’t really exist before the marriage equality movement gained steam.

The Atlantic interviewed Julie Kerr, the daughter of a Baptist minister. She grew up as a Christian who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. When she was a teen, she realized the person she imagined she’d wait for was a woman.

Most Americans have sex before marriage, according to “Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States, 1954-2003,” a 2007 study by Lawrence B. Finer, director of domestic research at the Guttmacher Institute, which studies sexual and reproductive health worldwide.

“Premarital sex is normal behavior for the vast majority of Americans and has been for decades,” Finer said.

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More statistics from WaitingTillMarriage.org, a pro-abstinence site, show that only 3 percent of Americans wait until marriage to have sex.

Kerr, a 33-year-old barista from Oakland, Calif., told The Atlantic, “It’s mainly through [my faith] that I felt a calling to wait until marriage, or waiting until I meet the love of my life. For me, the love of my life is definitely going to be a woman.”

Unlike many heterosexual young people who take a purity pledge at balls before their families and congregations, gay and lesbian people who believe in waiting until marriage rarely have the support of fundamentalist religious groups that embrace neither their sexuality nor their right to marry.

It’s hard to stay chaste, but it’s even harder when you have to travel that road alone, says Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan psychotherapist with a large gay and lesbian practice.

“I think it’s hard for all people to wait for marriage unless they have a strong religious motivation to do so,” Alpert told Yahoo Health. “If they have the support of their religion or church, it makes it easier.”

Luckily for gay Christians, their ranks are growing. A 2014 survey of American religious congregations conducted by Duke University and the University of Chicago found that between 2006 and 2012, the share of congregations allowing openly gay and lesbian couples to become members grew from 37 percent to 48 percent.

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The recent Supreme Court decision giving same-sex couples the right to marry has opened the doors for gay and lesbian people to wait until they put a ring on it, something that author and activist Matthew Vines says will become more common.

Vines, who promotes the inclusion of gay people within Christianity, told The Atlantic that “as more LGBT people from Evangelical backgrounds come out and receive at least some support from their churches and families, I think waiting until marriage will become relatively more common.”

Shara Sand, a New York City psychologist who works with many lesbians, says there are none in her practice who are “waiting for marriage or even talking about it.” Then again, Sand said in an email to Yahoo Health, “I don’t know many straight women waiting either.”

Alpert, co-author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days, says that gay people who plan to wait for sex until marriage may have to form their own support groups rather than wait for religious congregations to get around to supporting them.

“People need to find support in other ways,” Alpert says. “I’m sure there are gay and lesbian people who believe in abstinence; it’s a matter of finding like-minded people. And you shouldn’t be afraid of developing your own group. There are plenty of more progressive churches that are more accepting of gay marriage and abstinence.”

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