Small Talk Is the Worst. Here’s How to Make It Less Painful
Can’t stand mindless chatter? You’re not alone. (Illustration: Erik Mace for Yahoo Health)
The people who actually like small talk are undoubtedly few and far between.
Nice weather we’ve been having, huh?
How about those Mets?
Ugh.
Even research affirms what a drag idle chitchat is. In a 2010 study published in Psychological Science, 79 college students were asked to wear audio recorders that randomly recorded 30-second intervals of conversation over the course of four days. When researchers analyzed the results, they categorized 18 percent of discussions as insignificant, and 36 percent as meaningful (the rest were considered ambiguous). Interestingly, they found a negative correlation between small talk and happiness — in other words, the more time people spent engaged in banal chatter, the less satisfied they were, whereas those who had substantial conversations experienced greater well-being.
To some, meaningless chatter is just something we all have to suffer through from time to time. But the truth is, it’s actually possible to hone the skill of good conversation. “Small talk is the appetizer of any relationship — social, business, or romantic,” Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, tells Yahoo Health. “It leads to a deeper connection between two people.”
The trick is to find a way to transform surface-level banter into something scintillating, where you form a true connection with the other person — and that’s where we come in. Read on for six tips to improve on small talk, as well as advice for escaping from a boring conversation partner.
Conversation Improver #1: Mirror your partner.
The old saying, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it,” turns out to be spot-on. Research out of Duke University and the Netherlands found that the best way to create a connection with a new person — and thus have a more enjoyable, comfortable conversation — is to subtly imitate your speaking partner, from their cadence and tone of voice to their mood and body language.
So don’t worry too much about how you come across; “instead, swivel your spotlight around and try to match the other person,” advises Leil Lowndes, author of How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. “For example, if you’re with a fast-talking New Yorker, speed up your speech to keep pace with them. For a Southerner with a drawl, slow down.”
The same goes for sensibility: Talking to someone upbeat? Pick up your enthusiasm, too. With a low-key conversationalist, keep your tone measured. Indirectly matching their actions (taking a sip of your drink when they do, crossing your legs a few beats after they cross theirs) helps, too. They’ll get the impression that you’re on a similar wavelength — perhaps because mimicry activates the regions of the brain associated with empathy, studies show — and feel friendlier toward you.
Related: Running Out Of Things To Talk About? 20 Topics To Get The Conversation Started Again
Conversation Improver #2: Make a point to recognize your partner’s passions.
To turn a conversation from ho-hum to intriguing, start with a mundane question (a la, “How do you know the host?”) and from there, try to clue into what the other person cares about. “Make a game of it: Become a word detective and look for where they place their emphasis or what new topics they bring in,” Lowndes says. “Maybe their eyes light up or there’s extra energy in their voice when certain subjects come up, like their child or job.”
Just take that old small-talk standby, the weather: If someone says, “At least the rain is good for plants,” ask if they have a garden; chances are, that’s one of their hobbies. A response like, “With all the rain, I can’t walk my dog,” indicates they’re into their pet. Follow up by asking more about whatever they touched on.
Conversation Improver #3: Seem excited.
One easy way to make small talk instantly more interesting is to add excitement to your tone. When we talk about dull subjects, our voices, in turn, tend to fall flat. But even the weather can become a thrilling conversation piece if described with enthusiasm: “Wasn’t the storm earlier so beautiful? The wind was blowing, and the rain was dripping off the trees like tiny jewels.”
“Your passion will rub off on the other person, putting them in a good mood,” Lowndes says. “They’ll like you better, because they’ll anchor you with happy feelings.” Plus, they may become more magnetic conversationalists, automatically turning up their charisma in response to your vibrancy.
Related: Don’t Be a Stranger: 5 Reasons to Chat Up the Person Next to You While Traveling
Conversation Improver #4: Emphasize common ground.
Maybe you went to college in the same town, both love windsurfing, or are going gluten-free. Whatever the case, look for situations where you can highlight a shared background or interest. “Similarities deepen your level of communication,” says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, professor of psychology at UMass Amherst. “It’s validating, and reflects shared values.” Once you feel like someone is on the same page as you, you’ll open up more.
Conversation Improver #5: Do a little prep work.
One reason people dread small talk is that “we have so little control over whether it will go well,” Fine says. “Statistics say that one of the greatest social fears — equal to public speaking — is starting a conversation with a stranger.” To feel less adrift, she suggests coming prepared with three things to talk about before a party, meeting, or event.
Consider something directly related to the gathering, such as, “What other associations are you involved in?,” “Have you gone to any other concerts this year?,” or “What got you interested in nursing?” And make sure to be up-to-date with current events, Fine adds.
Conversation Improver #6: Avoid the three worst small-talk crimes.
Certain habits kill a conversation faster than you can say, “Whoops, I totally thought you were pregnant! My bad!” First off, while asking someone about themselves is great, avoid firing off question after question. It will make them feel interrogated and shut down any chance of having an easy back-and-forth. “You don’t want to act like an FBI agent,” Fine says.
And when someone asks you a question, don’t give a one-word response. “People can’t connect with you if you don’t disclose anything, and that stalls the conversation,” Fine explains. If someone asks how your weekend was, and you simply reply, “Fine,” there’s nowhere else to go. Including a bit of detail (“Great, my brother was visiting,” or “I finally caught the new Jurassic World movie,”) gives them an opening to keep the discussion going.
“Another deal-breaker is body language,” Fine adds. “No one is comfortable talking with someone who appears ill at ease.” Lowndes shares that studies using hidden cameras reveal that people with open body language (arms by the side, legs uncrossed) are more likely to be approached by others — and, thus engage in conversation — than those who are physically closed off. “Showing your knuckles also sends a subliminal message to go away,” she says. “Instead of holding your drink, set it down on a table and leave your hands open.”
How to Escape From a Bore
If you’re trapped in a mind-numbing conversation you really can’t salvage, Lowndes promises you can make an exit without wounding anyone’s ego. Simple say: “It’s really great talking to you, Andy, and I should probably let you mingle. Maybe we’ll meet up again before the end of the party.” This clever phrasing (“I should let you mingle”) makes it seem as if you’re doing the other person a favor by jetting out.
Or try a sneakier strategy: While chatting, look over the other person’s shoulder and give a little wave. A few moments later, mouth, “OK, OK, just a minute,” as if someone were trying to get your attention. Then tell the person, “If you’ll excuse me, there’s a friend I just have to talk to.”
Somewhere you can’t physically extricate yourself from (think: a chatty seatmate on a plane)? Whitbourne says it’s best to be direct. “It’s been nice talking to you, but I was really hoping to catch up on some shuteye/work/reading.”
4 No-Fail Convo Starters
Want to start up a quality conversation, but not sure where to start? Make these lines your new go-tos; they’ll trigger more dynamic discussions:
What is your average day like? “It’s broad, yet specific, so it gives you a panoply of threads to pick up on to keep the conversation going,” Lowndes explains. For example, if they start out the day with a mug of green tea and The New York Times, you can mention that you read the Times too, or that you heard matcha is the new rage.
Where did you meet? A great one to use when talking to couples, it strikes the right balance of personal but not prying — and there’s usually an interesting backstory. “Often they’ll burst into gales of laughter, or look at each other lovingly,” Lowndes says. “Even if they met online, you can ask what it was about each other’s profiles that they liked.” Plus, it’s an upbeat subject, so people will associate you with good times. (Along the same lines, but for non-couples, Fine suggests, “Tell me about your family.”)
Where are you from? This neutral question provides a jumping-off point for several different points of connection, from favorite sports teams to regional food. “It’s also a chance to learn about a new part of the country,” Whitbourne points out.
What are you most looking forward to during the rest of your summer? Better than simply asking “What are your summer plans?,” this line emphasizes the positive and helps you quickly hone in on your conversation partner’s favorite pastimes.
Read This Next: This Is Why Awkward Pauses Are The Worst
Let’s keep in touch! Follow Yahoo Health on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.
Have a personal health story to share? We want to hear it. Tell us at YHTrueStories@yahoo.com.
