How to Sync Up Your Sex Drive With Your Partner

Twice a month, Yahoo Health’s Hormone Whisperer Alisa Vitti, HHC, is answering the most common questions about hormones and how they relate to weight, sex, acne, bad moods, low energy, and everything in between. Read her introductory column to learn more about Alisa’s approach to stopping hormonal chaos and getting into hormonal flow.

THE QUESTION: My partner and I always seem to be on different pages when it comes to our sex drives. Why do our libidos seem so mismatched and how can we fix the problem?

ALISA’S ANSWER: Most people know that women operate on a cyclical schedule. It’s no surprise that at different times of the month, the same woman can go from feeling fired up in the bedroom to being completely turned off by the thought of sex.

When you are truly aware of your cycle, you might notice that your feelings about your partner, your energy levels, and your interest in sex changes depending what phase you are in at that time. This is perfectly natural. In the first half of your cycle, you will feel a growing sense of desire that spikes around ovulation. Then, in the second half of your cycle, the closer you get to your period, the less interested in sex you will feel. That said, with my tips for engaging in the right sex for your phase, you might find yourself with a much larger window of high desire.

Here’s the thing: Men operate on a cycle, too. Sure, they may not menstruate or demonstrate the complex emotional and hormonal patterns as women, but all of a man’s basic drives are dictated by a 24-hour clock, and that includes sex.

Related: How To Jump-Start A Stalled Sex Drive

The FLO Science: What dictates the male cycle?

Men produce testosterone while they sleep, and testosterone is one of the primary drivers of sexual arousal and performance. Low testosterone can compromise a man’s sexual ability or satisfaction and it can even lead to a depleted sex drive or erectile dysfunction. Cortisol, the hormone responsible for keeping you energized and alert at the right times, and testosterone are both at their peak first thing in the morning for men. This double-whammy of hormones makes the early to mid-morning a prime hour for sex if you’re a guy. Men are more interested in initiating sex during this window and they’re more capable of having a better sexual response (which can also be good news for you).

But the news for women gets better: The late afternoon is another great time for men to have sex, but a different kind of sex. During this time, their estrogen rises and their testosterone dips low. While this may not seem like a logical set-up for satisfaction given the previous endorsement of testosterone, the combination actually makes men more emotionally present during sex and better able to focus on your needs and satisfaction. You can see why “Afternoon Delight” is a thing.

The FLO Fix: How to sync your peak sex times

The trick to having a truly satisfying sex life is to figure out how to synchronize your libido’s peak times with your partner’s.

The best time for women to get it on, no matter the phase, is mid-day to late afternoon. This is when cortisol is still abundant and energy is high. Additionally, for the 10 days or so from ovulation through the first half of the luteal phase, women experience a surge in estrogen and testosterone that causes their desire to skyrocket. You’ll feel way more appreciative of receiving pleasure at this point in the month.

Related: Are ‘Man Periods’ a Real Thing?

So armed with all that info, what’s the best time to pencil in a sex session with your partner? The magic hour is (drumroll please): 3 p.m.! This mid-afternoon hotspot is the perfect compromise when it comes to your satisfaction and his, and he’ll be able to give you the emotional support you crave while still getting plenty of enjoyment on his side. If you really want to blow both your minds, shoot for 3 p.m. on any of those 10 days between ovulation and the first half of your luteal phase, and you’ll be in sex-synced heaven. Have fun!

Feeling frazzled, bloated, and unsexy?

If you’ve noticed more distance between cycles or some periods are light and some are super heavy, your sex drive is flat, you’re more moody in general (anxious, depressed, or both), and if you’re in your mid 30’s and up, your hormones may be aging faster than they should. But you can start reversing this process by adding one key micronutrient that you’re likely missing. Get your free report: The Magic Missing Micronutrient to Get Your Sexy Back.

ABOUT ALISA: Alisa Vitti, HHC, is an integrative nutritionist, best-selling author of WomanCode, creator of the WomanCode System, and the founder of FLOLiving.com, a virtual health center that supports women’s hormonal and reproductive health. A graduate of Johns Hopkins University and the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, Alisa has been featured on The Dr. Oz Show, has a web series on Lifetime, and has been a regular contributor for CBS, Fox, Shape, Women’s Health, MindBodyGreen, and the Huffington Post. She’s also presented at TEDx, Talks@Google, Summit Series Outside, Hay House, WIE Symposium, and SHE Summit.

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