How to Build a Buffer Zone to Ward Off Stress

You can’t stop stress from happening — but you can have a say in how it affects you. (Photo: Getty Images/Martin Barraud)

Stress is contagious. It’s true. But unlike a flu bug that no one wants, the catching effect of stress happens because we want and need to share it — not only to vent about our own problems, but also to help relieve the burden of someone else’s. This is part of what it means to be empathetic — and it’s a good thing! Our ability to connect to and support one another during tough times is one of the critical building blocks of resilience.

But — and there is a but — when you cease to shore up your own boundaries, you’re like a person whose immunity has been compromised. You start catching everything that comes along. This is the danger of secondhand stress: It can wear you down over time, making you less able to support yourself or someone else. It can result in negative physical side effects, whether that’s trouble sleeping, headaches, or an inability to focus.

You know what this looks like: The significant other or spouse who turns toxic and whose negative mood poisons the relationship and home life; the coworker who spews nothing but bitterness and judgment all day; the friend who’s running you ragged with her mood swings.

So, how do you stay centered when other people derail you, and take responsibility for how you convey your own stress? Here’s how to do it.

1. Trap, map, and zap your triggers.

At meQuilibrium, one of our core beliefs about stress is that while you can’t control what happens to you or around you, you can control how you respond to it. You’re accountable for how you react to stress and behave toward other people.

Say you have a run-in with the boss who’s been tense lately, and you start venting to a co-worker. Stop yourself and do this:

• Trap it: Observe your emotions and where you feel them in your body.

• Map it: Identify the thought going through your head that’s causing the emotion. What thought or story flashed through your mind that created that emotion?

• Zap it: Challenge the thought. Is it true? Recognize that most of what you’re feeling came from your interpretation, not from reality.

The next time you encounter this person or your own stress, you’ll be primed to recognize your thoughts and feelings, and you’ll have the skills to process them quickly.

(Read more about how to trap, map, and zap negative thoughts.)

2. Train your relaxation response.

Relaxation isn’t a default for most of us. So you have to train yourself to do it. When you can relax your body in the midst of external and internal stress, you can build an emotional buffer zone at the drop of a hat.

Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows the heart rate and governs your body’s relaxation response. Try it: On the inhale, fill your lungs fully, hold for a second or so, and then exhale in a relaxed way. Continue for 60 seconds.

(Find more of our favorite simple relaxation practices.)

3. Set boundaries you can stand by.

It’s not easy, especially when you are conditioned to put others first. But buffer zones have to be real to work. First, what are your limits, and what is off limits? Maybe you don’t allow that friend to call you at all hours of the night, but let her know when you are able to talk to her and listen to what she’s going through. Maybe you need a few minutes every morning to yourself, without anyone else around.

Or maybe it’s not the times, but the topics that are a problem. Perhaps you lay down the law: No money talk in the bedroom, for instance, and no personal disagreements in the office. The where and when matters, and can help you create boundaries that work.

You can’t just “hope” no one crosses your boundaries; you have to be willing to say what they are. You’re not being mean; you’re actually communicating to the other person when and how you can best support them. The clearer and calmer your boundaries, the more positive, respectful and supportive your connections will be.

This story is part of “Cooler, Calmer, and Happier,” an ongoing series with meQuilibrium, the digital coaching system for stress. Learn more useful information about stress and your health! Order meQuilibrium’s new book, “meQuilibrium: 14 Days to Cooler, Calmer, and Happier,” co-authored by meQuilibrium CEO Jan Bruce, Adam Perlman, M.D., Chief Medical Officer, and Andrew Shatté, Ph.D., Chief Science Officer.

Read This Next: 5 Tips to Better Respond to Stress (and Feel Less Upset)

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