3 Ways to Stop Anger From Controlling Your Life

Stop being such a hothead! (Photo: Getty Images/Yahoo Health)

Nothing erodes your sense of well-being like anger. And sometimes, almost anything can trigger it: Your boss handing you an assignment at 4:45 p.m., your husband watching TV and not responding to your questions. But just like stress, this anger doesn’t originate outside of you — the circumstances just trip the wire. The emotional cascade comes from inside.

When you feel that boiling anger, it’s often caused by the thoughts running through your mind, like a ceaseless feed of inner status updates. It might sound like:

“I don’t believe this!”

“This is completely unfair.”

“How could he do this?!”

“I need more help and I’m not getting it!”

All of these thoughts share one core emotion: You feel your rights are being violated.

Why Anger Is Your Go-To Emotion

You developed what we call your “emotion radar” when you were very young. It’s your way of perceiving the world, which you learned from the people around you. Your radar is always scanning for clues to make sense of what’s happening around you. And by the time you’re 10, it’s your default way of processing things that happen to you.

If you struggle with anger, your emotion radar is likely tuned to scan specifically for that violation of your rights — when you think someone is messing with you or trying to take advantage of you. You’ll look so hard for it that you may find it, even if it isn’t there.

Related: 7 Ways Anger Is Ruining Your Health

Of course, your thought might be accurate – your husband really may be paying more attention to the TV than to you, and your boss may be insensitive. Problems arise when your thoughts are dominated by an imagined violation of rights, or when your emotion radar “pings” even though no one is messing with you. You end up feeling angry for no reason, which robs you of emotional and physical health.

(Read more on tuning into your Happiness Radar.)

How to Make Peace with Anger

The good news is that an anger habit doesn’t have to be out of your control. You can interrupt it, and rewire it, through awareness.

Identify a recent situation (or maybe you’re angry right now!) in which anger took hold of you. Now, try the trap it, map it, zap it technique.

TRAP IT: When you feel anger coming on, flag that emotion. Notice the symptoms, such as a clenched jaw or tight shoulders.

MAP IT: Identify the thought going through your head that’s causing the emotion.

ZAP IT: Challenge the thought. Is it true? Can you be sure that your boss is specifically out to make you miserable, or is he or she also under a lot of pressure? Do you really think your husband doesn’t care at all about what you have to say? Don’t let that anger-fueled thought get off so easily.

When you can get some space between you and your thoughts, you become aware of what’s happening to you. That gives you room and energy to question the source of your anger-fueled rage, as opposed to getting caught up in it. Now you’re far more likely to calm that emotion, and less likely to make a decision you’ll regret.

This story is part of “Cooler, Calmer, and Happier,” an ongoing series with meQuilibrium. Jan Bruce is CEO and co-founder of meQuilibrium, the digital coaching system for stress, which helps both individuals and corporations achieve measurable results, and the co-author of meQuilibrium: 14 Days to Cooler, Calmer, and Happier with Andrew Shatté, Ph.D., and Adam Perlman M.D.

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