What Your Halloween Candy Says About You
Whether you know it or not, the candy you give out on Halloween determines your place in the pecking order of your neighborhood’s most influential lobby—ten-year-old sugar addicts who know how to deflate tires and throw eggs. So be careful in the candy mega-aisle at Costco, and fer crissakes don’t MAKE ANYTHING.
By Luke Zaleski
PENNIES AND OTHER COINS WRAPPED IN TAPE
What you think it says: A penny saved is a penny earned.
What the kids will say: Dad, what is this metal stuff with Daniel Day-Lewis’s picture on it?
INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED POPCORN BALLS DECORATED TO LOOK LIKE GHOSTS
What you think it says: We’re the most creative and caring family in Brooklyn. Also, I do all-right, so my wife doesn’t have to work.
What the kids will say: My mom says you’re a b*&(h. And my Dad says you should get an honest job!
MCDONALD’S GIFT CARDS
What you think it says: At least it’s better than candy, I think….
What the kids will say: I love you. Please let me live here.
APPLES
What you think it says: You think Obamacare is gonna work?
What the kids will say: Are you a doctor?
MINI CANDY BARS
What you think it says: I can appreciate the classics. This is what they gave out when I was a kid
What the kids will say: Cheap b*&tard.
CHARLESTON CHEWS
What you think it says: I am a refined sugar peddler, one who knows the history and quality of his product!
What the kids will say: meh.
BAKED GOODS
What you think it says: I have a Wolf range, and I know how to use it.
What the kids will say: Thanks for the gluten-free poison. I’m texting 911!
SKITTLES
What you think it says: Kids like colored sugar pellets and can’t get diabetes till they’re older, right?
What the kids will say: Can’t this moron read a nutrition label? Is he trying to give us diabetes?!
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The 15 Most Stylish Halloween Costumes
9 Things Every Man Should Have in His Pockets
Hottest Women of 2014 (So Far)
12 New Rules of Healthy Eating
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The Modern Man’s Guide to Beards
