CIA: Here Are Solutions to Your Cafeteria Problems
Photo credit: Duke University Archives/Flickr
Whether it’s the gloppy sloppy Joes at a high school cafeteria or the wilted iceberg lettuce salads at a hospital commissary, institutional cooking claims few fans. And, it turns out, the fare at the Central Intelligence Agency cafeteria is no exception.
On Monday, the website MuckRock published the results of a 2010 Freedom of Information request: a handful of complaints from CIA employees grousing about stale bread and a lack of vegan options.
Spies: They’re just like us! (Except the CIA apparently has an in-house Burger King and Subway, which is not like us.)
Well, CIA employees, because we’re thoughtful citizens of the world (and happen to know a thing or two about food), we’d like to offer a few solutions to your cafeteria woes. Because we’re just nice like that.
Here goes:
"Last week and then again this week I have talked to numerous cafe employees to inform them that the Pepsi coming out of the regular pepsi spout is diet Pepsi. They have the wrong Pepsi tank [hooked] up to the wrong Pepsi spout. Yet no one has fixed this problem. Why has this problem not been fixed?"
Unfortunately, we lack the necessary security clearance to know why this problem has not been fixed. But probably the CIA is working on higher-level stuff, like making sure the cafeteria’s almond supply is adequate. In the meantime, we suggest a bottled water, Pepsi Guy.
"As of late there seems to be a shortage of almonds for the breakfast cereals, such as oatmeal, cream of wheat, etc. [I’m] sure I’m speaking for myself as well as others when I kindly request that whomever is responsible for ordering food supplies note the level of usage and increase the almond purchases/supplies as appropriate. Thank you.”
OK, maybe we were wrong about almonds being a higher-level priority. Perhaps switch to cashews until the almond ‘sitch clears up?
"Please put back the individual packets of ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise. The large pump boxes of these items are not convenient to use, causing frustration and not liked by many people. Two times this week I heard folks make comments about these pump boxes. There are no containers to put ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise in. When I and others have had to use the pump boxes, we use the containers at the salad bar to put the condiments in. We have to find someplace to put down our food and drink, put the condiments in the container and put the lid on the containers…"
We had to cut this comment short, because it just goes on and on and on. We get it. You don’t like the pump boxes. To this we suggest… deal with it? Of all the problems in the world, this seems like the least worthy of a rant.
"Why doesn’t the [Burger King] facility here offer the [same] ‘dollar menu’ as the outside facilities. Why can’t there be nicer food handlers? Attitude every day."
First of all, Burger King doesn’t have a “dollar menu.” That’s McDonald’s. Burger King has a “value menu.” So nothing we can do there.
When dealing with nasty food handlers, take the following steps: First, consider that maybe the food handler is just having a very bad day. Be considerate of said worker. Second, smile, because it’s hard to be nasty to someone who’s smiling at you. Third, say ‘thank you.’ Kill ‘em with kindness. Tomorrow, that person will hopefully be nicer to you.
"I was very [aggravated] at buying a Subway sandwich and going back to my desk to eat… to find the bread [stale] and ‘crunchy’ hard… I had to eat the inside and throw the bread out… PLEASE PLEASE… do not serve us stale bread."
We’re with you on the stale bread front. Stale bread is pretty gross, unless it’s been transformed into gazpacho or savory croutons for a Caesar salad.
To prevent stale sandwich situations in the future, ask the Subway employee when the bread was baked. If his answer isn’t ‘this morning,’ turn around and bring your business elsewhere. Like maybe off-campus, CIA. Aren’t you allowed to leave the freakin’ building?
There! Solutions! You’re welcome, CIA.
