A Lesson on How to Eat for April Fool’s Day

The following is an excerpt from FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia from Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant, a new and not entirely helpful guide to all things edible “by” Alfredo and Antonio Mizretti (but actually by Kelly Hudson, Dan Klein, and Arthur Meyer). You’re not crazy: It’s completely ridiculous. Happy April Fool’s Day!

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If you’re going to get the most out of this cookbook, you must know how to eat.

Eating is one of the best ways to enjoy food. But did you know that you’re probably doing it wrong? Most people rush through their meals, wolfing down large chunks of beef like they was fat. Believe it or not, there actually is a right way to eat, which, when done successfully, will ensure full enjoyment of your meal.

1. Sit down in your chair and tuck yourself up to the table’s edge so that it is firmly pressed against your stomach. Make sure your knees are bent at a 90-degree angle and that your enshoed feet are planted flat against the floor.

2. Breathe in deeply and hold your breath. DO NOT EXHALE.

3. Bring your hand from beneath the table to above it. Slowly contour all five fingers around your fork as if grasping the skinny neck of a sleeping enemy.

4. With the prongs of your fork, lightly poke your food to see what happens. Then spear your food, making sure the fork steadily penetrates your food’s body.

5. Lift your arm ten inches and display your fork of food to everyone else at the table. Say, “Look.”

6. Slowly bring the fork to your lips. Part your lips slowly. Do it sexy.

7. Bring the part of the fork with the food on it inside your mouth. Let the cold, metallic prongs sit atop your velvety tongue. Close your mouth and slide the fork out of your mouth in between your lips. This will deposit the food in your mouth.

8. Using your teeth, grind the food up, down, and all around. It may seem mean to do this, but remember, we’re humans. We won.

9. Continue letting the food tumble about the inside of your mouth. Use your tongue to notice the texture and temperature of your food. Jot that information down in your FUDS Handbook.

10. Using your esophagus (or maybe it’s your lungs), swallow the food down your throat. This part is somewhat sad because it means saying good-bye to the bite of food that you just met. But don’t worry. It’ll still be in your body for a few more hours.

11. EXHALE. Repeat this process for every bite of food you take. A typical meal should take three and a half hours.

More funny stuff:

Brilliant Seamless parody hits a little too close to home

Gingerbread house fails

The worst (imaginary) Girl Scout cookies

Do you “know” how to eat? Tell us below!