YouTube personality Sabrina Quesada is speaking out about the recent death of her ex-boyfriend, TikTok star Cooper Noriega.
On Friday, Quesada shared a nearly 13-minute video discussing her journey since Noriega's death on June 9 at age 19.
"I guess I always read books and saw the movies about what grief is, and it always just looked so bad, but I never really imagined it could possibly be this bad," she explained in the video.
Over the last three weeks, Quesada said she has been in denial and filled with "lots of anger."
"YouTube has always been the place where I'm very honest about how I feel," Quesada said of her channel, which she began in 2020.
"Everything is just gray," she added. "There is no color, and that's the best way I can describe it. So, It's weird for me to go outside and, like, see someone skateboarding."
Quesada described having a "hard time keeping track of days" and being "scared to post" on social media. In addition, she said her grieving process has been "10 times harder" since she feels "under a microscope" as a YouTube star.
GoFundMe Cooper Noriega
"It's really hard for me to watch people take advantage of this, like suddenly everyone's his best friend, and suddenly people were dating him," she said in her video. "I lived with him for two years. I loved him and spent every second of every day with him. I can hear Cooper laughing at everyone because it's like, what are you doing?"
Many of Quesada's fans have supported her in the comment sections of her social media accounts.
"I hope you're doing okay sab<3," one fan wrote on TikTok.
"Stay strong i love you," another commented on Instagram.
Noriega and Quesada began dating in October 2020. In April, Quesada confirmed their breakup in an Instagram Story.
Hours before his death last month, Noriega posted a video to TikTok with the caption, "who else b thinking they gon die young af."
A Los Angeles Medical Examiner-Coroner spokesperson told PEOPLE that Noriega's cause of death has "not been determined." They could not provide a timeframe for when it would be available.
In her YouTube video, Quesada told her fans she is seeing a therapist to help her "go through the acceptance stage of grief."
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In a TikTok post shared just days after Noriega's death, Quesada thanked her former boyfriend for "the best years of my life."
"This is the most painful thing i've ever felt, but i'm so blessed to be able to feel it," she captioned the TikTok video, which showed clips of her and Noriega.
"It means i was lucky enough to love you. you're my soulmate in this lifetime and every other one," she continued. "i can't wait to see you, squeeze you, and hear your beautiful laugh again. i am so incredibly sorry baby, you deserved a million times better than this. thank you my angel, you're with me forever."
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.