Brittani Boren Leach is revealing new details about the devastating loss of her baby boy, Crew.
The 29-year-old YouTube star — whose 3-month-old son died on Dec. 30 — shared a heartbreaking message on Instagram Friday, explaining the special items that the family placed in Crew’s casket.
“Oh how I wish this picture was taken today, I would give anything just to hold him this close again,” Leach captioned a photo of her with little Crew pressed against her chest in a striped baby wrap.
“Those of you who were following me before and ‘knew’ Crew, knew he lived in this wrap. It was his favorite place to be,” she said.
The grieving parent went on to share that Crew was buried “in a gown made from my wedding dress, with a small favorite toy from each of his siblings, and this striped wrap placed snugly over him,” before adding, “I figured, who is better to carry him until I get there, than Jesus 💙.”
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Leach concluded her post by offering words of advice to other parents.
“If I could say one thing to you, here it is. Take all the pictures. Forget the laundry. Forget the dishes,” she said. “It really doesn’t matter. Just love your babies. Breathe in their scent. Memorize their smile. And love them really really hard.”
On the day of Crew’s funeral, Leach shared an emotional message on Instagram, along with a photo of her son’s casket and another photo of her other children at the funeral.
“We laid our sweet baby boy to rest today, and a part of me went with him,” Leach wrote. “During his memorial, Carter reached over and grabbed my hand. Then Cooper laid his hand on ours and then Sydney laid hers on top. I’m so so proud of them.”
“We will always feel like we are missing a piece of our family, because we are,” she said. “And until we get to Heaven, I know he’s smiling, laughing and playing at the feet of Jesus.”
“I just wish he was here instead,” Leach continued, explaining that the family “laid a tiny blue cape with a ‘C’ on it over his casket to celebrate our little Hero Crew. It was Jeff’s idea and I loved it. Thank you to everyone who made it today, your support means so much to us. 💙 #crewscrew #blueforcrew.”
The Leach family made the decision to donate Crew’s organs, and the hospital where he was being treated held an honor walk for the infant three days after his death.
“Our sweet Crew went to be with Jesus today,” Leach wrote on Instagram Dec. 30. “Right now Crew is dancing and playing in Heaven with Jeff’s brother, great grandparents, a little brother I never met, and some very special little boys. And one day we hope we to meet the 3 or 4 little lives that he has saved. But right now there’s a big hole in my heart and my arms feel empty.”
The YouTube star has been very open about how difficult it has been for her to deal with Crew’s sudden death.
“It’s all just too much. All of it. I know God has a plan for this, but I’m really really mad at him right now,” she wrote in a previous Instagram post. “It’s all too much. I’m sorry to vent, but this is my heart. And I need all the prayers to get through this.”