12 Vintage Miley Cyrus Moments We Once Actually Considered Shocking

(photo: Kevin Winter/TCA 2009/Getty Images)

“She’s just being Miley” didn’t always mean “She’s just a celebrity refugee from a pansexual hempist nudist colony.” There was a time when it just meant “Oops… she’s upsetting her Disney Channel overlords by showing a flash of her back.”

Remember those innocent days, when Cyrus could shock us just by having an older boyfriend, being near a beer, or accidentally leaking a modest bathroom selfie? We barely can either, given her current pro-spliff, always-in-the-buff, I-lick-anybody-or-anything agenda.

But sometimes it’s sweet to indulge in nostalgia for an era when Cyrus could scandalize us without even trying so hard. So put on your high Victorian collars and flash back with us, if you will, to Miley’s Dozen Quaintest Controversies (in chronological order):

1. The leaked tummy-baring photos (April 2008)

Her age: 15

True scandal level on a scale of 1-10: 0

Cyrus was seen lounging across the lap of her then-boyfriend, Thomas Sturges. Her sin? Showing a few less inches of abdominal skin than Shania Twain would on a wholesome night.

Token apology: Cyrus said she was sorry for the “silly, inappropriate shots” and added, “I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.”

2. The backless Vanity Fair cover (April 2008)

Her age: 15

Scandal level: 3

An Annie Leibovitz photo shoot had Cyrus draping herself in a bedsheet but showing off some prime teenage shoulder blades. When the sheets hit the fan, her handlers blamed a magazine supposedly bent on jailbait provocation. What did papa Billy Ray know, and when did he know it?

Token apology: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” Miley said. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.” A Disney spokeswoman claimed “a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” Crocodile tears of remorse all around.

3. The pirated selfies (July 2008)

Her age: 15

Scandal level: 1

Unlike some other teen queens, Cyrus actually had a reasonably full set of clothes on in a set of photos that she supposedly shot for her boyfriend at the time, Nick Jonas… time-stamped October 2007, when she would have still been 14. Take away the sexy expression and she really wasn’t showing much more skin than she did as bare-bellied Hannah Montana.

4. Mocking Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato on YouTube (July 2008)

Her age: 15

Scandal level: 3

Cyrus and her friend Mandy Jiroux parodied her Disney princess rivals, throwing in a jab at Lovato’s teeth-gap just for immature measure. I know you are, but what am I?

5. Dating a 20-year-old underwear model (September 2008)

Her age: 15

Scandal level: 3

Miley and hunk Justin Gaston weren’t rubbing their Calvin Kleins in anyone’s faces, but the statutory gap was troublesome to some. (photo: WireImage)

6. The “Asian eyes” face-making photos (February 2009)

Her age: 16

Scandal level: 3

Group slant eyes? What group slant eyes? She and her friends were being rascals, not racists! They were probably just doing a perfectly innocent impression of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Token non-apology: “I’ve also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces!” she wrote on her website, finally starting to turn into the unrepentant Miley we’ve all come to know. “Well, I’m sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context! In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of [sic] been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’!”

And, yes, everything is much more forgivable with exclamation points!!! (photo: TMZ)

7. The movie-producer lap dance (July 2010)

Her age: 16

Scandal level: 4

It’s so easy to mishear “wrap party” as “lap party,” right? A video of 16-year-old Cyrus grinding on 44-year-old film producer Adam Shankman at the end-of-production party for The Last Song at least made everyone forget about the age difference with her underwear-model boyfriend for a while.

Token non-apology: “It’s what people her age do,” explained Billy Ray Cyrus.

8. The ice-cream-cart pole-dance at the Teen Choice Awards (August 2009)

Her age: 16

Scandal level: 3

What a short road it was from being slimed to getting slimy on the pole for Nickelodeon.

Token non-apology: “You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people,” said Billy Ray Cyrus, again stepping into his newfound role as press secretary.

9. The fake quasi-lesbian kiss on Britain’s Got Talent (June 2010)

Her age: 17

Scandal level: 2

She did not inhale that woman’s tongue. It was not the real Sapphic-mania, but an incredible simulation, while she and a dancer got kissy while performing “Can’t Be Tamed,” she swore.

Token non-apology: “I promise you I did not kiss her. It is ridiculous that two entertainers can’t even rock out with each other without the media making it some type of story. GET OVER IT! NOTHING HAPPENED. Let’s start focusing a little less on making up ignorant rumors and focus a little more on world peace!”

Message: She’s really after a Nobel Prize, not an AVN.

10. The “Who Owns My Heart” video (October 2010)

Her age: 17

Scandal level: 3

It might not have been a huge deal that Cyrus was gyrating on a dance floor — and bed — and showing a hint of black panties in this club-oriented video if Hannah Montana hadn’t still been in its waning moments as a first-run kiddie series. The Parents Television Council was not amused, much less aroused, saying, “It is unfortunate that she would participate in such a sexualized video like this one. It sends messages to her fanbase that are diametrically opposed to everything she has done up to this point. Miley built her fame and fortune entirely on the backs of young girls, and it saddens us that she seems so eager to distance herself from that fanbase so rapidly.”

Ironically, Daddy Cyrus was listed as a board member for the PTC at the time, but he ultimately chose blood over bluenoses.

11. The salvia video (December 2010)

Her age: 18

Scandal level: 6

Why do you think they call it dope? We mean… why do you think they call it perfectly legal salvia?

Token apology — possibly the last one of her career: “I’m not perfect… I made a mistake… I’m disappointed in myself for disappointing my fans… For me it was a bad decision, because of my fans and because of what I stand for.“ And she got through that entire statement without succumbing to the giggles or trying to eat her own blog.

12. The penis cake (January 2012)

Her age: 19

Scandal level: 4

Hundreds of thousands of Americans finally gave up their sugar fixes for good upon the unappetizing sight of Cyrus licking a frosted phallus on a birthday cake for her then-fiancé, Liam Hemsworth (who, in a sign of increasing age-appropriateness, was turning 22, a mere three years older than she).

And then, in June 2013, came the MTV Awards duet with Robin Thicke… and things were never the same. The scandal alert level finally went to the 10 we’d all been waiting for, and Miley was no longer the little salvia-smoking, sexy-selfie-sending, pole-gyrating Pollyanna we knew and loved.

Oh, how quickly they grow up and join the Flaming Lips…