If it's worth your ears, it's worth your money: Pay the artists fairly | MARK HUGHES COBB

As every dog and their littermate post year-end Spotify lists — Mine's "Sir Not Using This Service," plus one accidental click-on of Madness' "Our House" — I got to pondering which is goofier: The fractions of a penny streaming services pay artists? Or Hollywood's Al Capone-esque accounting swaying critical appraisal, which bends what gets made, which effects what we can see ....

The answer: Purple clairvoyant bonobo moist squish.

Does not compute.

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Folks rail against Spotify, as the giant pays between .003 and .005 cents per stream, and yes I looked several times to be sure I hadn't added an extra zero, or misplaced a decimal. Try cutting a penny into .003rds. I did, and now I need Polysporin.

If you scored a million streams, you might get a whopping $3,000, or what The Beatles turned down from Lorne Michaels to appear on "Saturday Night Live."

In 1976.

And Michaels was kidding. At the higher rate, it's still just $5,000.

Say you reject Spotify, and go for Apple Music: .006 to .008 per stream. Technically a bump, up to $6,000 to $8,000 for what would have once been considered a monster hit. Tidal, which until now I'd never heard of, pays higher, .0125 to .015; for our theoretical million-streamer, $12,500 to $15,000.

YouTube pays slightly worse than Spotify; Amazon pays slightly better. Oddly, it's Napster, once sued out of existence before selling its brand at a bankruptcy auction, paying .019 and .021 per stream, that bests the services.

"Weird Al" Yankovic shared that his 80 million spins on Spotify netted him about enough for "a nice sandwich, at a restaurant." He mighta been kidding: 80 million might earn more like $400,000, which starts to sound like real money. But bear in mind Taylor Swift, queen of the world right now, topped Spotify's end-of-year lists with 26.1 million spins, which would cut her check at $130,500.

I mean, I'd take it, but for TSwift, that's what she tips the pizza delivery kid.

So that's depressing. For a breath of fresh green, let's look at misogynistic elitism driving Hollywood.

Starring three charismatic women actors in Brie Larson, Teyonah Parris and Iman Vellani, and directed by Nia DaCosta, who shocked, pleasantly, with her 2021 reinvention of "Candyman," "The Marvels" has thus far made $80 million domestically and $197 million worldwide. That's low for a Marvel flick, and possibly a losing figure overall, for a movie that reportedly cost $200 million to make.

But early press seems to have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Flopflopflopflopflop went the Hollywood corps, elitists who'd rather certain types of movie — certainly not film, much less cinema ― would go away and stop making money by being beloved.

Yet they're suspiciously mum on how Martin Scorcese's "Killers of the Flower Moon" cost essentially the same to create, and though released three weeks before "Marvels," earned $66 million U.S., $154 million worldwide.

Don't hold your breath waiting for Marty-flopmouth, even though the movies' audience-favor score is near enough the same, at 84% and 82% favorable.

The anti-"Marvels" hysteria sounds a bit like knee-jerk reaction to blockbuster "Barbie," a women-led superhero joint, scoring $1.4 billion, which absolutely is stunning, but you know what's a close No. 2 this year?

"The Super Mario Bros. Movie," with $1.3 billion. Who's talking about that? Where's the "Ohmygod, would Hollywood just stop making fun animated movies for the whole family!" backlash? You know the anti-"Barbie" "Ohno, now they're going to make enjoyable movies about toys! And more pink things for women!" whine is redolent in the air.

Another place cartoonish characters in bizarrely decked-out cars scored massively: The Fast and Furious franchise, now on film 11, though it was 2023's "Fast X," not "Fast XI" that made $741 million, because the 2019 "Hobbs and Shaw" exists in that universe, but doesn't fall neatly into the Vin Diesel-lead family.

If, like me, you continue to think-hope Diesel retired years ago, with this ongoing franchise, and voicing the tree that says one line in Guardians, he's one of the biggest movie stars in history, despite working with the screen presence of backwash and the charisma of a dowel rod.

He's sixth all-time most-gross actor ... um, highest grossing. Scarlett Johannson ― who had to tussle with Disney over how simultaneous streaming would cut into her "Black Widow" take — is no. 1, with an average of $441 million per movie, lifted by the Avengers, totaling $15 billion.

Next are Robert Downey Jr. (10 Marvel movies, Guy Ritchie's Sherlock films, "Tropic Thunder" and the like ... his role in "Oppenheimer" isn't a lead, or that total would click up past Scarlett); Samuel L. Jackson (11 Marvel movies topping a long career including a pair each of "Star Wars" and "Incredibles" films; if you count his non-lead movies, Jackson's the second-highest-grossing actor of all time, after ... Stan The Man Lee); Zoe Saldana (the three "Guardians of the Galaxy" flicks, plus the two "Avatar" films); Chris Pratt ("Guardians," plus three "Jurassic Park" movies, voice of Mario this summer); and then Vin.

Rounding out the top 10: Chris "Thor" Hemsworth, Tom Cruise, Chris "Captain America" Evans, and Bradley Cooper, with a Rocket Raccoon boost because he voices that creature for Guardians and Avengers flicks.

Looking at star numbers, though, is like thinking of Beyonce or TSwift when justifying Spotify: Outliers. Writers and actors' strikes this year worked not to continue polishing brass, but to try and achieve equity — puns always intended — for hundreds of thousands below the line.

The grips, supporting actors, sound, lighting, set and costume design folks, writers low on a room's totem pole, they're the kids with the guitars and voices, ones who've put in the time, who've got the skills, but don't have the spotlight's shine to demand a living, per-stream raise.

It shouldn't be considered demanding, not in our current capitalist system, to pay for the things we love.

Mark Hughes Cobb is the editor of Tusk. Reach him at mark.cobb@tuscaloosanews.com.

This article originally appeared on The Tuscaloosa News: Spotify, other streamers need to raise their rates | MARK HUGHES COBB