How couples handle their money can often be a major point of contention. We've talked about it again and again and again, and yet here we are once more.
Recently, I was scrolling through the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit — where people go to share their personal experiences and ask other users who was wrong in the given situation — and found this story by u/Dices1433, who has been dating her boyfriend for eight months.
For context, u/Dices1433 — whom we'll call Dices for short — said her boyfriend is a single dad with three children, and they usually take turns spending money on each other during dates. However, she's recently started feeling uncomfortable with how often he likes her to pay for his children. "Several times he had me pay for his kids' purchases," Dices said. "I didn't make a big issue out of it for the sole reason that those purchases were relatively small. All I had to pay was $30–$60."
Dices explained, "The other day, he called me while I was at work and sounded like he was in a hurry. He said he just found the gaming device he's been looking for for so long and wanted to buy it for his oldest son. I asked what this has to do with me, and he told me he was short on money and needed $300. He asked me to lend him the $300, and I hesitated but agreed."
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She continued, "He asked for my bank account info so he could pull the money, but I refused and told him to wait for me until I get there. He insisted and said he'd handle it — that all I had to do was just send him my bank account info."
"His insistence made me uncomfortable, so I still said no and told him to either wait or I won't pay. He got mad at me, saying he didn't get why I was acting like this. He got so loud, I had to hang up."
Dices said, "I found him sitting outside after I went home. He was waiting for me and was extremely upset. He asked why I didn't just send him the account info so he could pull the money we agreed on. I told him I don't feel comfortable letting anyone have my personal info, especially when it comes to finances. He got offended and said, 'I'M NOT JUST ANYONE, I'M YOUR F'ING PARTNER!'"
"Then he went on a rant about how he ended up not paying for the gaming device after looking for it for so long, and now his kid is mad at him and it's my fault.
"We had a fight, then he left and told me I'd better have an apology for him AND his son next time I call his phone.
"I haven't called yet, but I feel like I acted stupidly and irrationally. I think I should've just given him the info he asked for? I don't know if I made the right decision."
Obviously, commenters immediately told Dices that her boyfriend was crossing an extreme line, especially considering how short a time they've been together:
"Not the asshole. You've been dating this man for less than a year. Some partners wouldn't even have met the kids at this point, but he's regularly dinging you for expenses related to them (which I bet won't seem quite so small if you add them all up), even though he's the dad and that should just be part of his budget automatically," user u/mm172 commented. "Now he wants you to cover a major purchase that in no universe can be considered essential, he wants unrestricted access to your bank account to do this, and he's somehow made you feel like the unreasonable one for trying to pump the brakes and propose alternatives. Throw the whole man out."
Others quickly agreed, pointing out that there's no reason to share bank account information if one doesn't want to:
"That has red flag written all over it. The request to pay for his kids. 🚩 The demand for money. 🚩 The demand for your account info. 🚩 The anger when told no. 🚩 The demand for an apology. 🚩 The waiting outside your house. 🚩 Only eight months into the relationship to ask for money. 🚩
"With Zelle, Venmo, etc., there is no need to give anyone your account info. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS! It’s how people get all their money stolen. Rethink this relationship. It will only get worse," user u/LouisV25 said.
"Like holy hell, do not give away your info," u/Majestic-Seesaw9362 agreed. "I've known my partner for like 25 years, been married almost half that time. We do not share bank info with each other! And we literally have nothing to hide from each other. There is simply no reason why we'd be sharing bank log-ins."
On top of the fact that these are not Dices's children, she also does not owe her boyfriend access to her personal information just because they're in a relationship. Nor does she owe him an apology:
"The fact that he thinks you're at fault for him not being able to buy a gaming system for his son is ludicrous. You don't owe him or his son *anything.* Not money and not an apology. Please protect yourself and seriously reconsider this relationship," user u/GoblinGeorge said.
And finally, commenters felt that Dices was being gaslit and made to believe she was wrong when she clearly wasn't. This, they say, is more than enough of a warning, and she should leave the relationship immediately:
"Dices is being gaslit by her boyfriend," u/Consistent_Rent_3507 said. "He waited outside her home to light into her for not giving him her bank account info? And he expects her to apologize to him and his son because he didn’t have enough money to buy an unnecessary gaming device? Dices, you’re being manipulated and made to feel guilty for being rational. He’s using you. It’s only the beginning. But it’s up to you whether you allow it to continue. Drop this loser and move on."
Shortly after posting and reading through the comments, Dices provided readers with an update on her situation:
"I went to his place and talked to him and his oldest son — turns out that the gaming device thing was a lie," she said.
"He wanted the money for something else: to help pay for one of his buddies' car repair. I was shocked when he confessed. You can only imagine my reaction after this. I just blew up at him and left without giving him any chance to respond."