I Wish Stormy Daniels Would Have Left Toad Out of It
IThis week, in a thwomp heard 'round the Mushroom Kingdom, news broke that adult film performer and professional Donald Trump arch-nemesis Stormy Daniels had compared our 45th president’s penis to the “mushroom” head of Toad from Mario Kart.
In a quote from Daniels’ new book, which was recently obtained by The Guardian, the porn star described his piranha plant as “unusual,” saying: “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart... It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Donald J. Trump has been likened to many things throughout his annoyingly endless decades in the public eye-from Biff Tannen in shitty old-age makeup, to racist conservative icon Andrew Jackson, and of course, to Nazi final boss Adolf Hitler himself-but never has the wannabe-fascist drawn comparison to such a pure, innocent character as Nintendo’s beloved Toad.
It is simply a crime against Mushroomkind to compare any part of the creepy old man running our nation to poor little Captain Toad, however tempting. Please, leave Toad alone.
Toad is a good boy. According to the official Mario Wiki, he is “Princess Peach’s attendant and long time protector of the Mushroom Kingdom...[who] tries to help Mario and Luigi on their own adventures.” And though, like Mario, Trump does wear a famous Red Hat, Toad does not associate with tyrants, and can be seen in countless games throughout Nintendo history aiding in the destruction of greedy overlords and their violent regimes. He offers tips in Super Mario Sunshine to help clean up Bowser’s sludge in Delfino Plaza. He throws a bomb to blow up Wario’s castle at the end of Wario’s Woods.
While he is a protector of Princess Peach and a lifelong resident of the Mushroom Kingdom’s Castle (the walls of which he was once imprisoned inside during the events of Super Mario 64), the only true political organization to which Toad subscribes is obviously the Mario Party. As seen in the hugely popular multiplayer titles on every Nintendo system since the N64, Toad is a mainstay of the high-octane, family-friendly Mario Party series, which is as apolitical as it is whimsical and charming. Though many of our generation’s first sexual experiences were probably committed to the muffled soundtrack of Mario Party 5’s menu screen, there is nothing sexual about Super Mario's greatest party game-and we, as longtime subscribers of Nintendo Power magazine (RIP), demand that Toad be excluded from the gross Trump/Penis narrative.
If the state of this country was a game of Mario Kart, we’d be slogging through the sewage beneath Luigi’s Mansion right now, haunted Chain-Chomps springing forward to bite down and drag us deeper into the shit, driving backwards through a sea of ghouls like Brett Kavanaugh and Jeff Sessions. The Gigabowser-terror of Trump demands more detailed and imaginative analogies-and really, if you want to talk about a Nintendo character that in any way resembles 45, start with one of the poorly written, horny woodland abominations from Conker’s Bad Fur Day.
While the jury is still out for whether Toad will finally become a playable contender in the upcoming Smash Bros Ultimate, the speedy, non-sexual explorer will appear in the upcoming Super Mario Party for Nintendo Switch, and can be seen already in the reissue of the Wii U's delightfully quaint Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker, his first big solo outing, available on the Switch right now.
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