Why I’m not holding back about what happened to me after I was on ‘The Bachelor’

This story mentions sexual violence. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

When I was in high school, I was sexually assaulted, and I didn’t tell my family for years. I took myself to the doctor’s office to make sure I was OK. A couple years later, it happened again, at a party. In Asian culture, we're raised to not show too much emotion, we’re taught to not say too much. I held onto that for a long time, and I knew going into college that I wanted a career that allowed me to help people.

My dad is the one who encouraged me — he said, “I think you’d be an amazing nurse.” In nursing school, when I was doing clinicals, I ran into a lot of patients who were victims of rape or sexual assault, and they wouldn’t talk to me. But when I told them I’d been through the same thing, I saw them relax and feel safe. Now I’m very outspoken when sexual assault victims come into the hospitals where I work as a travel nurse: “Please make sure they only have female nurses and female staff. Give them a private room. Give them space. Let them talk when they’re ready.” It’s very emotional, and it can be triggering, but they need support.

When I took a break from my job to go on “The Bachelor,” I hadn’t really watched the show. My best friend nominated me. I just thought, “Oh my gosh, what a great opportunity. I can showcase who I am and what I am and my roots, and maybe the world will love that.” My dad is Arab and Black, and my mom is from the Philippines. I was born and raised in Hawaii, and I grew up in a big, blended family. I loved it.

For my hometown date on Joey Graziadei’s season of “The Bachelor,” I let my family take the reigns and introduce him to several Filipino customs — traditional dances and a feast of lechon. Before the date, I had to prepare myself. I wondered, “Am I doing too much, showing my culture?” But my family loved it, and I loved it. My mom and my auntie, who are both from the Philippines, were so proud.

As soon as that episode aired on the east coast, I knew something was off, because I started getting some direct messages on my social media — people saying I’m disgusting, and “seeing you guys kiss is foul.” I deleted the messages. Then once it aired all over, my phone blew up. People were saying my family is barbaric, my culture is barbaric, I’m a jungle Asian. People who were repulsed that Joey would even want to be with me.

I tried my best to not let it get to me. The attacks on me weren’t what bothered me — it was that people were attacking something my family was so proud of: where we come from. The comments were the worst. I started deleting any comments on my posts so that my family wouldn’t see them, but it was too much. They’d already seen. Finally I put a safety filter on TikTok and Instagram so I couldn’t see what everybody was saying. I blocked words like “animal” and “Asian” and “skin.”

It wasn’t my first time dealing with racism. But I always kept it very quiet. I didn’t bring it up to my boss at the workplace. I didn’t bring it up to the referees at my volleyball games. And later, I felt that by being silent in those times, I kept the cycle going. So ahead of the “Women Tell All” episode of “The Bachelor,” I asked producers if I could share my experience. Because if I don’t, I think everyone will think everything is perfect and there are no repercussions for being from a multicultural background or a minority in Bachelor Nation.

I was so emotional. It was like everything I’d ever experienced was coming up at that point. I have a hard time letting those emotions out, because of how I was raised. I didn’t want anyone to think, “Oh, she’s just trying to make a scene.” While I was on stage talking, the girls were cheering for me. I felt the love from all of them. The audience, too. For the first time since getting all those hateful messages, I just didn’t feel alone.

I don’t regret going on the show. I loved every second of it — the ups and the downs. When I first started filming, I met with the show’s therapist and she asked me, “What’s your purpose for being on the show?” I said, “My purpose is that I’m here to find love and I think it might be with Joey.” But sometimes when it’s not you at the end, that’s the best outcome. And honestly, for me, not being with Joey was the best outcome, because I fell back in love with myself, with my family, with who I am as a person. Toward the end of filming, I spoke with the therapist again and she asked me the same question and I said, “Now I think my purpose is to heal myself from things I didn’t know I was going through.”

Would I do reality TV again? I don’t want to say no, but I also don’t want to say yes because I only want to say yes to opportunities that feel right in the moment. I’m still a nurse full-time, and I love it. It’s crazy because sometimes patients or people in the emergency room lobby recognize me now. I’m passionate about advocating for sexual assault survivors, and also for mental health in the health care field. I’m not sure what’s next for me, but whatever it is, I hope I can be a voice for those who have been silenced.

As told to Rheana Murray. This interview has been edited.

This article was originally published on TODAY.com