We're coming for Meredith's bathtub! The 10 best quotes from the “RHOSLC” season 4 premiere
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The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City burned hot and fast when it first premiered mid-lockdown in November 2020. It seemed to have the Housewives formula down to a T with a cast of loony ladies who were ready, willing, and able to play the game.
Rihanna was a fan, and that's all anyone needs in terms of approval.
But then the controversies started piling up, and RHOSLC got less fun and more true-crime, culminating in the arrest and conviction of OG Housewife Jen Shah for wire fraud.
Now the most frivolous ladies in Utah are back for a fourth season, and we're pleased to report that there's a palpable lightness to the proceedings. Case in point: The main drama in Tuesday's 90-minute season premiere is over a bathtub. Caulk and all. No federal charges present. (Yet.)
Monica Garcia also makes her Housewife debut and breathes some new life into the show, but it's some old life that's got us heaving with relief: Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Cosby has re-entered the chat.
The preternaturally peevish Pentecostal preacher is back and absent as ever. "Is that a Mary Cosby hologram?" Whitney Rose asks after seeing the elusive Housewife after she stepped away from the show last season.
Whitney's confusion is correct. Mary is not a full-time Housewife, just a "friend." Honestly, this is where she belongs. We need Mary floating in and out like a Gucci/Prada/Hermès-clad ghost, offering up random lines and/or insults and then disappearing into her closet to recharge for the next day. A full-time Mary can get… uncomfortable. But as a supporting character, she's just what RHOSLC needs to heat up again.
May we tentatively say that The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is back. Can we ever recapture the magic of season !? Can any show? Unlikely. But here are the 10 best quotes from the season 4 premiere that had us giggling in our ski boots.
10. "So, to be completely honest, Jen never said anything nice about Heather. But she also never said anything nice about anybody. Ever." —Monica
NBCU/Bravo Monica Garcia on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
One thing about the producers of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: They are MESSY. And god bless 'em for it. This new Housewife comes with the pre-owned baggage of Jen Shah, having been one of her seven assistants. Monica jumped ship months before Shah was arrested, but she still comes aboard bearing tea she's eager to spill all over these ladies. Not that one would expect Jen Shah to have said anything nice about anyone anyway, when she and her maliciously arched eyebrows were giving off Disney villain vibes from season 1, episode 1. —Lester Fabian Brathwaite
9. "It is my right to prefer to take a bathtub alone." —Whitney
NBCU/Bravo Whitney Rose on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
The feud that will henceforth be known as #Bathtubgate (more on that below) rages throughout the supersize season 4 premiere. At Heather's "fresh start" party, Meredith confronts Whitney about comments she made in the press about couples taking baths together. The Wild Rose Beauty founder tries to pass it off as a "funny joke," and then turns the accusation around on Meredith: "Like, why are you judging me for wanting to take a bath alone?" Enough, you two! Everyone's bathtub feelings are valid. —Kristen Baldwin
8. "No one's reading that book." —Mary Cosby
NBCU/Bravo Mary Cosby and Monica Garcia on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
Leave it to prodigal Housewife Mary Cosby to say out loud what everyone else is thinking. At Heather Gay's "fresh start" party, new housewife Monica loudly asks Heather's assembled friends if any of them have read her memoir, Bad Mormon. An awkward silence follows, which Mary is all too happy to fill. —KB
7. "Have someone fix that door." —Mary Cosby
NBUC/Bravo Meredith Marks and Mary Cosby on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
This is Mary Cosby doing what Mary Cosby does best: complaining. The woman who gave us "You smell like hospital" makes her grand entrance strutting up the hill in Park City on her way to visit Meredith Marks at her boutique. But when she gets to the door, the petite Pentecostal preacher can barely push it open. "That could have left a mark," she grouses, after nearly knocking herself over getting inside the store. "That door needs to be fixed." Don't make her tell you a third time, Meredith. —KB
6. "You wanna know what I'm obsessed with right now? Anything maritime." —Lisa Barlow
NBUC/Bravo Lisa Barlow on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
Lisa Barlow finds herself endlessly fascinating, and through the sheer force of her will, doggone it, so do I. Well, not so much "endlessly fascinating" as "delightfully insane." Barlow always comes in at a 10 then takes it up several notches, forcing the other Housewives to keep up. That's why she's the alpha. No one else has that same level of clear-eyed delusion. One can only hope Barlow's maritime obsession leads to a series of palazzo pants, sailor tops, and her inevitable forced seizure of a luxury liner. —LFB
5. "It's like Lord of the Flies, which is probably a book they haven't read either." —Heather
NBCU/Bravo Heather Gay on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
Heather may have fallen from grace as the de facto fave Housewife (as per Rihanna) after her feud with Whitney and her dogged support of noted criminal Jennifer Shah, but the gal can still quip with the best of 'em. She knows her group of "friends" aren't a "literary bunch," so she's not too offended that no one's read her book, as Mary previously and publicly pointed out. But a read about reading? That's fundamental, kids. —LFB
4. "So, Robert Jr. has a girlfriend but everyone's telling me it's his wife. So we're gonna figure that one out." —Mary Cosby
NBUC/Bravo Mary Cosby on 'Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' season 4 premiere
If anyone knows a thing or two about maybe being married, it's Mary Cosby, having famously married her grandfather (in a, thankfully, non-incestuous way) under some rather mysterious circumstances. Well, the marital apple don't fall far from that designer-scarf-wearing tree, so is it any surprise that her son possibly got married without telling her? Meanwhile, the producer has the gall to ask Mary how she doesn't know if her son jumped the broom or not since they live in the same house. Even a casual viewer knows the only time Mary Cosby leaves her closet is to cackle at the moon on the monthly anniversary of Jen Shah's incarceration. —LFB
3. Mary Cosby's magnum opus of mean texts to Lisa
NBCU/Bravo Lisa Barlow reads a series of mean texts from Mary Cosby on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
Vida Tequila maven Lisa Barlow isn't expecting to see Mary Cosby at Heather's "fresh start" party, nor is she expecting the (almost) pleasant welcome she receives from the former Housewife. "The last text message I got from Mary wasn't exactly nice," Lisa notes. Cue the dramatic reading: "Lisa, you're the biggest idiot… You're a black widow… You are the biggest liar in Utah... You'll kill people with your nasty tequila… You remind me of a witch… You evil person… You're not interesting… You're a horrible human being." On the plus side, Mary loves Lisa's coat. — KB
2. "I would never assume that Meredith has a dirty house. I don't even know where you're living right now. I don't know what vacation rental you're staying in. I'd assume she'd wrap everything in plastic so that she gets her deposit back at the end of the lease." —Whitney
NBCU/Bravo Whitney Rose on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'
I know we're in the middle of the WGA strike, but which Emmy-winning comedy writer wrote this? Because it's too good! Whitney Rose delivers (perfectly, mind you) the read of the episode, maybe the read of the entire franchise, coming for the perennially bare walls of Meredith Marks, with an assist from the always-shady editors, who throw up a collage of Meredith's four rental homes across just as many seasons. This is what Housewives is all about. You come for the drama, you stay for the comedy. —LFB
1. "Don't come after my bathtub!" —Meredith
NBCU/Bravo Meredith vents to Heather on 'Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' season 4 premiere
This instant, cross-stitch-it-on-a-pillow masterpiece stems from Meredith's displeasure with Whitney Rose, who mentioned in a February interview with Page Six that the idea of taking a couples bubble bath — as Meredith did with her husband, Seth, last season — "creeps me out." As Meredith rants in Tuesday's premiere, the perceived slight was "like saying I'm dirty and creepy. It's offensive!" Maybe, but this #Bathtubgate slogan will also look great on an Etsy T-shirt. —KB
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Bravo.
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