The Week in ‘Wives: RHOD bad at pranking, RHOSLC mad at ranking
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Happy Valentine's weekend, Bravoholics! Your pre-V-day treat this year was a bit of a light week in the Housewives universe, as The Real Housewives of Atlanta took some time off. All the better to prep us for the box of chocolates that awaits us with The Real Housewives of New Jersey's season premiere next week, I suppose. Anyway! We started the week with a saucy evening on The Real Housewives of Dallas, where Tiffany tried to throw a totally fun pizza party, bless her heart. Then The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City took their first turn on the reunion stage for a tense socially distanced sit-down with Andy Cohen. Here are the best, worst, and wildest moments from this week in 'wives!
HIGH POINT: Heather vs. Lisa, RHOSLC
Anthropologically speaking, I can think of few human subjects as fascinating to study as brand new reality stars learning the game in real time. Never was that more thrilling in RHOSLC's first reunion than during the argument between Heather and Lisa. That this tension would take up so much energy of the reunion surprised me; it didn't seem like a crucial conflict as the season came to an end. As it picked up in the episode's final moments, however, it became clear: Lisa — clearly a dedicated student of Housewives, considering how easily she directed the editors to "roll the footage!" — was upset that she hadn't become the fan favorite after the show aired, and she blamed it on Heather, who quite clearly had. "You told the world what to think about me, and you did a damn good job!" she cried. Oh, Lisa. Nobody can tell Bravo fans what to think about a Real Housewife. They know exactly how to read this show for themselves.
LOW POINT: 10:30 p.m. sharp, RHOD
The low point of every week is when the party has to stop, am I right? And this week everyone's Range Rovers turned back into pumpkins at the stroke of 10:30 p.m., at which time the Dallas 'wives had been previously informed they would be obliged to depart Tiffany's home — regardless of whether they'd finished their cricket pizza or were throwing up in the bathroom — because it was a work night. I like Tiffany and respect her work and understand the necessity of sleep and appreciate the challenge of balancing home, career, and social obligations. However, a "just to set expectations" text is absolute violence against a party. The party was DOA. It had been murdered before it even began. RIP.
WILDEST MOMENT: Cricket pizza, RHOD
Just on so many levels, wow. First of all, again, I like Tiffany. But sneaking crickets onto pizza is just a terrible prank. It is pure "gotcha!" and nothing else; there needs to be humor in the actual discovery, which Brandi, a gifted prankster, understands. But then second of all, while I feel bad that Brandi thought so hard about the crickets on her pizza that she actually threw up, her argument that "If I fed her a turd and she didn't know it and then I told her, would she not throw up?" really doesn't work, considering that crickets are, in fact, perfectly edible, and turds are not. Meanwhile, Kameron's pride in creating a "low-calorie" (she dabbed the oil off) pizza and D'Andra's fearless testing of the offending toppings — "they taste like dirt" — made this absolutely doomed party a really rich Real Housewives tableau. Congrats to everyone.
👑 QUEEN OF THE WEEK 👑 Heather, RHOSLC
BIGGEST REVELATION: Meredith's birthday party (feat. Tongan dancers) took place on Lisa's actual birthday. RHOSLC
BEST LUXURY MOMENT: "My girlfriend had a Chanel piñata one time, and her husband put Chanel jewelry in the piñata." — Kameron, RHOD
MYSTERY OF THE WEEK: What is Brooks' problem with Jen on RHOSLC? The high kick thing seems like a made-up excuse and I reject it. What happened that night when Meredith smoked a cigarette and Jen caught it on camera and someone — unclear who — passed out and then Jen scored a Brooks Marks tracksuit in the morning? This is critical information.
MOST INSTANTLY ICONIC LINE: "You should write a book. I won't read it." —Heather, RHOSLC
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