Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: Avengers, Protecting the World From Clothes
Unlike any model who wants to keep her job, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show has far outgrown itself. It’s a boob-ular explosion of color and wonder! The pinnacle of peacocks! The well-packed Super Bowl of fashion! Or as company rep Monica Mitro puts it: “an hour of entertainment.” Can you feel yourself disappearing as the bubble of fantasy expands? The annual CBS special has transformed its models into “something almost, like, bigger than life,” according to one of them. It’s almost like they’re the Avengers, defending the world from clothes.
There’s Captain America, of course:
Iron Man:
Dr. Octopus:
Thor?
As if anyone could forget to include Thor. Now, okay. Maybe not everyone on the runway is a superhero. Although really, how do you know? Perhaps your definition has been limited, in both fitness and in life. Who are we mortals to question the powers of angels wearing lingerie and what seems like it might be a bit too much more? Somehow they make it work, right? I mean, Sexy Mrs. Roper can pull off seven different looks at once:
The Fringe Fairy sweeps away threats like they don’t even matter…
Anne of Green Gables stars in her own puffed sleeve fever dream…
Caitlyn Jenner cheers on daughter Kendall, a first-time angel…
And your bored teenage daughter rolls her eyes at you. Again.
Backstage, it’s a flurry of fantasy-driven action. “I need hair. Aggggggghhhh!” a blonde mop bristles in terror. Potential heroes crouch flexibly so the makeup people can reach their faces. Michael Bay lurks somewhere in the background, scouting for talent. And the SELFIES!
Oh, the selfies. They scatter into the digital breeze, untouchable gems of charity strewn across chilly church halls worldwide. The trick is to hold your iPhone way above your head — unless you have 40 million followers already and can afford a more reality-based perspective.
Kendall Jenner kindly shows us how it’s done. Lily Aldridge has only posted one picture today, so it’s into the shame chamber for her. (Long flannel pajamas.)
“Welcome back to the runway,” calls out spirit angel Heidi Klum in my imagination. She’s always ready to party. Selena Gomez is, too; she just hasn’t figured out the whole wing thing yet.
Hers are way too low for such a high-flying time. Granted, they’re the legs of her backup dancers, so she might not be in total control.
Ellie Goulding’s up next, for a winter wonderland dream sequence set to “Love Me Like You Do”. All the angels are snow-spattered and subdued — except for the White Rabbit, who would like to remind you that you’re late, you’re late, for a very important Christmas shopping date at Victoria’s Secret.
Just as Ellie calls out “Never knew that it could mean so much,” Candice Swanepoel drifts by…
And I’m 100 percent positive this song is about that glitter bodysuit she’s wearing. Because oh my God. This is what I need. This could be my gateway to angelhood.
My Christmas list of all the runway looks I plan to ask for grows longer by the minute. This one would be perfect if I still worked in an office:
It’s very “Don’t mind the gap; I’m just doing my job here.” Simple and straightforward. Still, it’s a little formal. My best best at the moment as a freelancer in L.A. might be this cute sports bra with no support but a fun surfboard sticking out:
See, that’s practical. My other desires, by contrast, are mere wishes. But should they have to be? Like, why can’t we wear these boots?
Those would look great on all of us. Still, they’d cower in the gleaming presence of the ultimate prize beyond our grasp: The Fireworks Fantasy Bra, a $2 million pile of over 6,500 white diamonds and other precious gems that also features a detachable belt.
Its suggestive functionality is the ultimate tease, but will not bring us any closer to this hour of entertainment’s holy grail. As if to emphasize the divide between the Fantasy Bra and reality, the human it has chosen to puncture come runway time ruffles the invisible feathers of a security guard who can never touch her back.
This man is filled with sadness.
But oh, how brightly the Fantasy Bra sparkles, and Lily Aldridge along with it. Meanwhile, Alessandra Ambrosio is vitality personified, while singer The Weeknd makes a very convincing Lucy van Pelt from Peanuts:
Fireworks are everywhere, some sprouting leaves. Soon it will be spring. Ooh, here we have an empire of intestines in the swirling sun, a somewhat harsh reminder that swimsuit season is only half a year around the corner.
Eh, who cares. IT’S THE HOLIDAYS!
