The Ultimatum: Queer Love's Xander Says Vanessa Only Wanted to Get Engaged 'to Make Herself Look Good' (Exclusive)
By the end of the Netflix series' season, Vanessa wanted marriage — but not for the right reasons, her partner Xander claims to PEOPLE: "I think it would've been for her control"
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Vanessa and XanderWarning: this story contains spoilers from episodes 9 and 10 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love.
The Ultimatum: Queer Love's Xander Boger is speaking her truth after her turbulent journey with Vanessa Papa on the Netflix hit series.
On Wednesday, fans finally got to see the final two episodes of the season, which included the highly anticipated Ultimatum Day where the couples decided whether to get engaged or split, and the cast reunion.
For Xander and Vanessa, their love story ultimately came to an end on Ultimatum Day when Xander made the decision to break things off after four years, despite being the one who issued the ultimatum to Vanessa. A major factor in Xander's decision was her strong bond with her trial marriage partner Yoly, who she later attempted to pursue to no avail.
Speaking to PEOPLE about her decision, Xander says she strongly believes Vanessa only wanted to get engaged because she developed such a strong connection to Yoly.
"I don't [think Vanessa would've wanted to get engaged] unless it was to benefit her in some way," Xander says. "I don't think that it would've been for us. And I don't think that would've been for because she wanted to be with me necessarily."
"I think it would've been for her control or because she wanted to make herself look good," she continues. "I think that's something that I knew too when I would visualize myself on the decision day. What if I did propose to Vanessa? If she said yes... I would've looked at her and I would've been like, 'I don't believe you.'"
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Yoly and XanderHowever, Vanessa tells PEOPLE that she felt differently about the situation. "I would have committed to an engagement if that was her choice. I would've said, 'Okay, so you still have some faith in this. Let's see where this goes.'"
She continues: "I wanted to give it my all. I wasn't willing to give up ... For me, I looked at it as, we are in a four-year relationship that definitely got stale in some aspects. Here's this new person who's new and shiny and ready to be romantically involved and kiss you and everything. Of course, that's going to be more exciting than a four-year relationship. But I was trying to get Xander to come back to reality a little bit. Yes, this is super exciting with Yoly, but is there a long-term situation there? You don't really know that yet, but here's me and I'm offering you this and we know we work well together. Let's try it."
"I still held on to hope going into the decision day," she adds. "But it was kind of more like, 'Okay, it's in her hands now.' She was the ultimatum giver, and she took it back, which was not very nice to do. So it wasn't even my decision in the end, but there's a relief in that it wasn't my decision."
Netflix
From left: Vanessa, Xander and YolyDespite everything that unfolded, Xander believes that she still would've broken up with Vanessa with or without the show.
"I had actually given myself one year, which is a long time. But I'd given myself one year where I was like, 'If things are not moving forward, we got to make some changes,'" she says. "To be completely honest with you, I don't know if it would've happened that soon. I think that my space and time and all of the work that we did on the show was a big part of what really helped me see what I needed to see and actually make the actions because I had a lot more accountability."
Following the Ultimatum Day, the cast came back together to film the reunion episode. As fans learned, nothing changed for Xander and Vanessa as they both confirmed they never rekindled their romance and hadn't spoken since their breakup. (Xander also never pursued a romance with Yoly following the show.)
"We did not rekindle when we got back to Hawaii after the show," Xander says of Vanessa. "It was actually terrible and it was much better once she left."
Says Vanessa: "We went back to Hawaii. We had a whole life there. We had a lease together. We had our full-time jobs there. Everything was there. So for about a month, I would say we were trying to date, and then it became very clear that she was still involved with Yoly, and it was like, 'I need to get out.' So I moved out of Hawaii. That was the real end of the relationship."
While things didn't end as planned, Xander and Vanessa are both hopeful for the future — whatever that may entail.
"She reached out to me a few weeks before the reunion. I felt like she was very apologetic and it felt like that we had both grown a lot," Xander recalls. "So it felt good. It felt like that we could start new come full circle and become friends. But I don't think that's really the case. I think that we're probably just an 'in the past' kind of thing. I think that we both learned from each other."
"There's this quote that is embedded in my head that says 'I taught her unconditional love, but she taught me how to love myself,'" she continues. "And I feel like that's exactly what happened because Vanessa told me multiple times as we were ending the relationship, 'You taught me what love is.' I'm like, that's great but I also figured out how to love myself, which is also great."
Adds Vanessa: "We're trying to be friends, but it's very hard... I'm just constantly figuring new things out, and it's like, I don't know about her, but I keep getting hurt. So I'm not really able to be completely friends with her yet, but I'm hopeful for the future."
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The Ultimatum: Queer Love is now streaming in full on Netflix.
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